178. To Kill the Ghost

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Monday came around, and my life continued on as always. Like before, I would wake up in the morning, and after leaving my house, Muria would be there waiting by the elevator for it to arrive on our floor. We wouldn't speak to each other or share a glance. When at school, I would also isolate myself in my back corner, away from all the voices of the others.

This was the life that I had lived prior to receiving the Socialization app. It was the life that I had wanted to live. Yet, for some reason, it felt oddly boring and empty. If my memory serves me correctly, then this lifestyle should've been extremely peaceful. There should be an utmost tranquility in my mind as it will be free of any malicious stimulus of any kind. I should be able to remain myself. That should've been the case. However, that is not what I am feeling.

Even though there's no turmoil within my mind, no external influences, and my mind being able to be itself, I feel...empty. There's just this sense of loneliness in my mind that made it impossible for me to truly reach that tranquility that I lusted after, that storm eye tranquility over a calm ocean free of any waves or ripples, so clear that it reflected the blue, cloudless sky overhead. That tranquility isn't available to me. Instead, there just seemed to be a constant disturbance in my mind.

That feeling persisted for the entire day, and it continued on for the entire week. Each day after school, when I would enter the club room, I would occasionally glance over at the closed door, lifting my eyes off of the illuminated screen of my phone while listening to music in my earbuds to block out the conversation noises of the others. It was quite foolish of me, yet I have to admit. I was looking for someone. I was subconsciously looking up, in hopes that Luna would enter at any minute. I was waiting for her.

It was extremely stupid of me to even have that notion hidden in my subconscious, yet...no matter how hard I try to contain myself, whenever my mind would lapse, I would find myself glancing over. I just can't help it.

Friday afternoon, when it finally came the time to leave school, I grabbed my school bag by its strap and allowed it to rest on my shoulder. As I followed the others out of the clubroom, I adjusted the muffler scarf around my neck, making sure that I would be able to stay warm once I leave the club room that was heated by the air conditioner.

Loyd locked the doors and the rest of us walked with him to the faculty office to return the keys. Then, we left the school building and entered the cold world outside. The sun was setting, causing the sky to be dyed a color of orange and in the far distant sky, the orange sky was slowly transitioning into a light purple with some stars shining in the distance.

"See you guys," Loyd bode his farewell to us as he boarded the train that would take him to the station nearest to his place of residence. 

The rest of us then went our separate ways, but Noah and Muria accompanied me on my way back home as we all lived in the same building. However, the walk home was conducted in silence. It might be quite unusual as Noah was remaining extremely silent on the way, a gesture that I was grateful of him for. Then there was Muria, who, like before, would usually remain silent. It was just the three of us, walking in silence. Yet, I would still feel as if I was walking alone in the cold, winter streets of Palisia. It was...rather lonely for me.

I do not know when it had happened, but it was probably sometime after I had met with Luna. She had changed me. She made me want to have company, made me be afraid of being alone, made me afraid of the dark nights. As for company, if I were to allow my guard down, then maybe I will be able to find that company in those around me, allow me to escape from this loneliness. Yet—

I looked up at the sky that had entered into the nighttime phase. Stars dotted the nighttime sky, yet...there was no moon.

—she took the moon with her when she left this world. No more shall there be a moon in the nighttime sky that will illuminate the way when I am conflicted. There will no longer be that light to guide me in my way...

The house that I returned to was dark and lifeless as Loriana was still at her workplace. The lights were off and the temperature was low. Therefore, the first thing I did upon entering was to start the air conditioner and turn on the lights. However, even with the lights on, the house still appeared quite bland, similar to everything else in the world.

With a sigh, I walked towards my bedroom and placed my school bag down by my desk. The week is finally over, and tomorrow, the weekend officially begins. My attention was caught by the drawer in which I had stored her locked diary, and I paused and stared at it in silence. Slowly, I pulled the drawer open and observed the diary itself, taking in its worn edges and the small, silver lock. Next to it laid the silver key that she gifted me.

Slowly, I brought a hand to the diary and ran my fingers along the front cover.

"Not going to read it?" I heard a voice say from behind me.

Startled by this sudden voice, I looked over my shoulder and my eyes widened. For a split second, I seemed to have seen her. Luna...she was sitting on my bed with that charming and energetic smile on her face. Yet...it was simply my imagination as there was no one there.

I stood there, motionlessly as I kept my eyes on the spot where I had thought she had appeared in. For some reason, my heart rate increased as a sour, warmness slowly seeped into my empty chest. A soft tremor slowly shifted the basis of my mind, making me feel an agitated feeling.

Slowly, I turned around and reached for her diary. I held my breath as I picked up the diary and the silver key. I walked over to my bed and sat down in the spot that I had kept my eyes focused on earlier. Upon taking a seat, I felt a tremor run up my spine, soothing the tensed muscles in my body, allowing my body to truly relax for the first time since her death.

With a deep breath, I picked up the key, aimed it at the lock, and inserted the key into the keyhole. Then, I turned the key, unlocking the diary for the first time since she had locked it the last time she had made an entry into the diary.

Even with the diary now unlocked, I was reluctant to open it and flip through its contents. I was rather afraid. My heart rate increased and my breathing became irregular as a sense of anxiety flooded my mind. It was an awful feeling, yet...for some reason, I couldn't pull myself away from it.

This is the only memento I have of her. In this book, the last slivers of her lived on. In this book, there's probably messages from her directed towards me. If reading them is the closest I can get to communicating with her, then...if I were to read them, then they would lose their magic. I am afraid that for each line I read from it, I would be slowly erasing her presence in this world as rereading something she had written for me would cause it to lose the emotions Luna had embued into it. If I were to read this diary, then I would simply be killing off the last of her presence. Yet, if I do not read it, then I would never get to experience this final encounter with her.

Both options are equally terrible. If I read it, I would be able to have my final conversation with Luna. Yet, that would also mean the end of it all. It would be the true death of her as there will be no more conversations between us. But if I choose to not to read it, she will remain alive. Yet, I will not be able to engage in this conversation with her. Both options seal her away, but if I think about it rationally, the first option at least allows me to see her for the last time in my life. Therefore, maybe reading it now is the better choice.

With a deep breath, I slowly flipped over the cover page of the diary, revealing a blank white page where she had written her name. I traced the letters of her name with my finger, feeling the pressure that she had exerted herself when she had written her name into the diary, imbuing it with her spirit. Her writing...it was the evidence of her existence.

Slowly, I reached my finger to the edge of the page, and turned it.


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