Holy shit! Holy shit!
Ezra and I kissed!
Then I ran away.
I ruined everything!
Oh my god, why am I so terrible at everything, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I get a notification on my phone and check it to see that it's Ezra calling again. I let it go to voicemail as I try to figure out what the hell I am supposed to say to her.
What am I supposed to tell her? I don't know what that kiss meant. I mean I have feelings for her, but what if that's not what that kiss meant to her? What if she is just playing me? What if she actually doesn't have feelings for me?
Ugh why is this so complicated?
But why was that kiss so good. Her lips are so soft and she smells so wonderful and the way she grabbed me was so hot. That kiss was amazing. It felt so right. That second kiss was the best kiss I have ever had.
Oh my god I can't believe I asked for another kiss! I'm not that kind of person to just ask for that, but I don't know. I felt bold in the moment and thought what the hell.
"Hey, there you are," says Ally finally finding me in the library.
"Oh thank god you're okay and didn't get in trouble," I say getting up to hug her.
"Dude, you were amazing back there. The way you punched Francis was so cool," Ally says excitedly, then she looks around, "Hey, where's Ezra?"
"Long story," I say sighing.
"What happened?" she asks looking at me skeptically.
"Well, we ran and things happened and we kissed," I blurt out.
Ally widens her eyes in shock and stays speechless for a few second before snapping out of it. "Finally," she says happily.
"No not good, I ran away from her after," I explain.
"Well why the hell did you do that," asks Ally shaking her head at me.
"I don't know I panicked, okay," I say.
Ally sighs and motions for me to sit down, "Avery you can't keep running from your problems. I get it, you're scared, but you keep letting opportunities get away. You need to have more faith in yourself and that things are going to be better. I know you're first relationship with that bitch who shall not be named was horrible, but not every relationship will be like that. Ezra is not her. Ezra is a good person."
"But, how do I know it's real? How do I know if Ezra really feels the same way about me? Why do I keep comparing my relationship with Ezra to my ex?" I ask sadly.
"Avery, that's something you will just have to ask Ezra. Be honest with her and then ask her how she feels about you. I know you're guarded and scared to open up again because of your ex, but you have a right to love again. So, promise me you'll give it a shot. That you'll talk with Ezra," Ally asks.
I smile at Ally and say, "I promise. I want to stop being scared all the times. I don't want to keep holding anything back."
"That's the spirit," Ally says giving me a hug.
I come back home around 10:30 p.m. feeling exhausted and miserable. I haven't talked with Avery since we kissed and it really sucks. I miss her already and it hasn't even been a day.
When I enter the apartment, there my mom is drinking with her boyfriend and some other alcoholics. I sigh and walk pass everyone without even saying hi and no one cares. They don't acknowledge me, not even my own mom.
I enter my room and lock the door behind me lay on my bed. Unfortunately I'm not tired right now, I normally go straight to sleep, but I can't now. My mind is preoccupied with thinking about Avery.
I just want to hug her and kiss her again and tell her how I feel about her. I want to tell her how important she is. How she is the only person who really makes me happy.
I get up to change into pajamas and when I open the drawer I see the shirt that Avery let me borrow when I stayed over at her house. I grab it and decide I want to put it on; it just makes me feel better.
I'm about to go to bed when I hear a ruckus going on in the living room. I get up and quickly get up and check up on my mom. Her friends have left by now and her boyfriend is passed out on the couch.
I see my mom standing over broken shards of glass on the floor. It seems like she dropped one of the wine bottles.
"Mom, you need to be more careful, this is like the third wine bottle you have dropped this months."
"Fuck it, who cares," my mom slurs.
"Mom, please don't say that," I beg as I start cleaning up.
"I'm out of alcohol," my mom whines looking through the cabinets. "Give me money, so I can get more," she slurs again.
"No, mom. It's late. You need to go to sleep," I say.
"NO, I want more to drink now, give me money," my mom repeats.
"I can't, mom. It's too late now," I say again.
"Okay, look, I did not take care of you for years just so I could be treated horribly like this now. SO give me your money so I can get more drinks," she says harshly.
"NO, now you look. I am the one who has been taking care of you this whole time, you don't do shit," I angrily yell. I've had enough of this; I don't deserve to be treated like this anymore.
"I am the only one in the house who works and pays rent and for the food. I spend all my time taking care of you and that's not how it should be. You're my mom, I'm not yours," I add.
"Listen here you pathetic brat, I will not let you talk to me like this. You think I wanted to take care of you? I never wanted too; all you ever did was remind me of your dad. He hurt me when he left me and all he left me with was you! I hate you," she spits out.
"I hate you. You ruined my life," she yells slapping me across the face as hard as she could.
I immediately hold my cheek in pain as tears stream down my face. I didn't know she hated me. I thought she loved me under all that depression and alcoholism. I thought that deep down she cared, I was wrong.
I don't let her say another thing, I run to my room and stuff a bunch of clothes into a bag and run out as she continues to yell obscenities at me.
I can't stay there. I just can't. It hurts too much. I feel so betrayed by my own mom.
I feel so alone. I feel so horrible.
I don't know what to do.
I just know where I need to be. I need to be with the one person who I feel safe with.
YOU ARE READING
The school knows Ezra as the mysterious badass who always speaks her mind, but the truth is that she is barely holding on. She is forced to work long hours to support herself and her depressed mother and just wants to be reassured and loved by someo...