To Be A Killer

Chapter 74: Sowing Season

"Yeah. Yeah. You made it up to Dunder Woods in just under your usual time. I think we can definitely say you haven't lost any fitness, and uh, you haven't lost anything else." Sam pauses when I don't reply. "Really. You can take my word for it. Dr. Meyers has run every test under the sun on you. You know that. Your brain scans check out just like hers do."

"I know, Sam."

He sighs, an awkward tension between the two of us. It's been three days since I tried to kiss him and then chickened out, and I've been avoiding him as much as I can. But it's kind of hard to do that now since he's my operator for this section of the mission.

Right now I'm just trying to avoid talking about it. Thankfully Sam's done the same.

"Yeah, but I mean, the stupid thing is that you're one of the few people in the world now who's definitely not susceptible to mind control anymore. I-I-I know that doesn't make it any easier. You know, people do stupid, bad dangerous things all the time, and they don't have the excuse of 'oh, my brain was taken over by an evil hippie determined to make everyone in the world happy all the time.'

"As if you could be happy all the time. As if it's okay to be happy all the time... I still think about Alice sometimes, ya know. I'm happy I knew her. I think it'd be uh-yeah, sort of an insult to her to just be happy when I think about her turning into a walking corpse."

I cringe. I remember him having nightmares about her, losing her. He's still in love with her... and I tried to kiss him. I have that sinking feeling in my stomach, and him telling me this somehow makes me feel even worse about my actions.

"Yeah. Sometimes it's good to not feel good. My mum used to say that to me. There was this time, right, when I was seven, my grandad had made this huge cake for my sister's birthday in the shape of a castle, and left it on the table. I mean, I knew I wasn't supposed to have any, but I was seven. And you know what's coming, right?"

I can feel a smile starting to form on my face.

"It was a castle cake. I thought maybe I could just eat one turret, and no one would notice. Then it looked uneven so I ate the other turret, and then I was like, 'Oh, it's gonna be really clear I've eaten those two turrets.' And I thought that maybe I could destroy all the evidence and go like, 'What cake? There was never a cake. You imagined the cake, Grandad.'" He chuckles when he hears me laughing, unable to stop myself. "I made myself so sick, my mum didn't even punish me. She said, 'This feeling is your punishment,' and she put me to bed, and held the bucket for when I sicked up about three pounds of cake.

"What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to feel how you feel. And I know I've told you this before, but I thought maybe you needed to hear it again since you've been avoiding me, although I doubt that's the only reason why you've been avoiding me."

I cringe, my laughter dying in my throat.

"Sam, can we... can we please just not talk about it?"

"Well, we could, but then we'd just continue on like-like this, which wouldn't be be too great because I do like being around you, and I'd rather you not flee from the room whenever you see me, like you've been doing the past few days."

"Then can we talk about this later, when I'm not on a mission?" I'm desperate, and you can hear it in my voice. Sam sighs heavily.

"Five, just hear me out. When you tried to... to kiss me... I'm not angry at you. I want you to know that. I don't resent you or anything. I know why you did it."

I blanch. That does not make me feel better.

"You were upset and vulnerable and your mind's been all over the place so you just acted, and I was the one who just happened to be there. I-I know it didn't mean anything. I know you don't have those kinds of feelings for me. I've heard the chatter about there being some mystery person you have eyes on, and I know it's not me. But it's a good thing because I... I don't feel that way about-about you."