𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{ten}

The ground and the ceiling seem to be disappearing
Nothing to stand on, oh God, I hate this feeling
You put the weight of your world down on my shoulders
Why'd you have to make me older?
Make me older, make me older

I'm tired of holding my head up
I'm tired of trying to hold onto you
This cycle, fighting and making up
I'm tired of trying to hold on

Everything is falling apart, slipping away
There's no rewinding the things we say
Everything is falling apart, slipping away
No way to fight it

-Lennon Stella, "Breakaway"

k e n z i e

The morning hits me like a rock. I can't get up, feeling weighed down and empty of emotions. Annie comes in and leaves a note on my nightstand, thinking I'm asleep, telling me she made breakfast and that I should call her if I need anything.

Seeing her and the sweet note she left me should have made me feel better, but it didn't. I try to sit up, but I don't have the energy to do so.

I hear the door shut as Annie exits the apartment, and silence fills everything.

Like my mind.

Darkness closes in on me, and the familiar feeling chokes me. I'm alone, and no one cares about me. No one can, and no one should.

I can't control the tears that follow.

~~~

My body physically hurts from crying so long. I crawl weakly out of bed and into the bathroom. The mirror shows all. Red, puffy eyes, tangled hair...I've seen it all before.

I pick up my phone. 12:41 pm. My stomach growls, but I don't feel like eating at all. I sit on the bathroom floor, feeling drained.

Pulling up Twitter, I draft a simple tweet and post it.

---

Kenz ❀
@mackenzieziegler

four hour crying session ✔️

---

I crawl back onto my bed, and sit there, trying to breathe deeply. Take it slow, Johnny advised me before.

How am I supposed to take it slow if everything moves so quickly?

My phone lights up with a text message.

Johnny Orlando
text me. i want to know you're ok.

I don't...because I'm not.

My phone buzzes again, lying next to me on the bed.

Johnny Orlando
take down your recent tweet.

Excuse me? I go on Twitter to see it filled with hate replies. There are some sparse comforting replies, but the majority is hate, as usual.

---

Replying to @mackenzieziegler

KAYLA ❤️
@misskayla15

I'm glad you're feeling bad about all the disgusting things you do 😘

---

Replying to @mackenzieziegler

Emma Jaxet 👐
@pinketeer

Four hours for the four billion times you were dumb? Sounds about right 👍

---

I gulp, swallowing more tears. What even is my life? Hate, struggle, and more struggle. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to take it.

My phone rings suddenly, shattering the heavy silence. I close my eyes, wanting to ignore it, but the ringing persists.

Looking down, I see who it is. Johnny.

What does he want now? Why does he care what I do, anyways? He's just a counselor. I heave a sigh and slide to accept the call.

"Hello?" I answer quietly, attempting to sound preoccupied or disinterested.

"Hey, Kenz, can you...never mind." He pauses for a second. "I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. If you're not doing anything and you need a break from thinking, I could come by and take you to see a movie or something."

"No, I'm fine." I shrug, attempting to lighten up my voice.

Johnny sighs. "Kenz, I've seen all the comments on your posts, and on Hayden's posts, too. I know what's going through your brain."

I scoff quietly. "You really don't."

"Okay, I don't. But I can take a pretty guess."

I purse my lips. "Okay, thanks, I appreciate your effort to get inside my head."

"This isn't a counseling session anymore, Kenzie. I don't even want your money." Johnny sounds concerned, like he actually...cares.

He takes a second before continuing. "I just want you to know that your value isn't determined by what people think of you. And I know, in this world, that's what everyone thinks it is. But they've gotten it all wrong. They don't see the real you. That's why I don't want you to let what everyone says about you define you."

I can feel myself start to crack. "Thanks. That's really...nice of you."

"Look, even if you were number 1 on the charts and you won 1,000 music awards, that wouldn't define you either. It doesn't matter what people think of you because that doesn't change who you are. You're so special, and I wish you would just see that."

I don't know why Johnny cares so much, enough to call me and tell me this, but it really gets me. My eyesight blurs, and I feel the tears start to fall. But they're different tears from the ones I cried before.

"Thank you. It means a lot to me."

"You mean a lot to everyone too. Don't forget that."

"Okay." I wipe the tears from my cheeks and nod. "I'll try."

"Remember what I said about this whole thing being a refiner? When you get over this, do you know how strong you're going to be? You're getting better every day. You just have to take it day by day."

"I'm trying." I take a deep breath. "But can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You said when, and not if I get over my depression. You think this will end?"

He answers without hesitation. "Absolutely."

"Okay. Thank you...again."

"Anything you ever need...I'll do the most for you."

After he hangs up, I sit there for a while, thinking.

It's gonna get better.

I'm gonna get over this.

I'm worth more than what anyone can say about me.

+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+

a/n: can you guys please do me one GIANT favor? please vote for me in blissfulsmiles november jenzie awards? it's the category "best jenzie fanfic you can think of" because i have the most votes in that category lol

thank you guys so much if you've already voted for me!! it means the world to me <33