Chazz
"Do you feel like you are scared of what might happen if you become pregnant again", Dr.Roslyn asked.
"Yes", I sighed.
I was now seeing a therapist after much convincing from Coby , Blake, and my family. I didn't feel like I had any issues other than the drinking, but I can kick that on my own. Or , so I thought. Everyday I found myself wanting to drown in a bottle.The trauma from the crash and losing my child was still a heavy cloud hovering over me releasing at its own accord. I could be perfectly fine then the next moment I'm in pieces. The rollercoaster was too much , so I gave in and here I am. This was only my second session ,but so far she was cool.
"Now let's explore where that fear lies. Whenever we speak about the crash there's alot of I. I wasnt, I didn't, or I couldn't. You are putting a lot of blame on yourself for a situation you had no control over. There was no crystal ball to spell out the actions of your day. So, why are you feeling so much guilt?", she said leaning back further in the chair.
"Because...I..I had a feeling I was pregnant before the appointment ,but I brushed it off. If I would've told Coby he could've came. Maybe we could've took a different route just avoided the whole thing. But I couldn't tell him..." I muttered the last part hoping she wouldn't hear.
I looked up and she peered over her glasses looking me directly in the eyes.
"And why is that?"
"Why is what?", I asked hoping to advert her attention elsewhere.
"Why couldn't you tell him about your suspicions of being pregnant?" She leaned over resting her arms on her knees.
I twiddled my fingers in my lap with my head down. I traced the patterns in the carpet with my eyes ignoring her question. I couldn't possibly tell her. Shoot, I couldn't tell no one. Anyone in their right mind would judge me and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
"Chazz , this is a safe place. Nothing you say to me leaves this room. I personally would never ,but I am also legally unable to share what you tell me with anyone. Here ", she said looking around," you can speak freely."
I let out a long sigh.
"I didn't want him to get his hopes up and become excited. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children. Coby adores them and he talks about us having them almost everyday. I was weighing my options of having an abortion or possibly adoption." I lowered my head into my hands and cried.
"I feel like God punished me by taking the baby from me. Taking away my choice. Disallowing me of willingly giving my child up", I pushed out between sobs. "Coby would leave me in a heartbeat if he knew I was even considering it. I love him and now I'd do anything to have another child ,but the guilt is weighing heavily on me."
I took a deep breath feeling some of the pressure surrounding my conscious subside. I knew the whole thing wouldn't disappear until I told Coby ,but I'm just not ready yet.
"That is interesting. We will pick up on your last statement in the next session, but I'm going to give you some homework." I looked up meeting her gaze. "I want you to tell someone close to you what you told me. It's not as far as telling your significant other ,but its a step in between. When you come back you can let me know how it goes."
I nodded and stood up. She extended her hand and I grabbed it shaking it lightly. I walked out of the office feeling heavier than when I walked in. I thought therapy was to make you feel better or put things better into perspective. All it did was leave my mind a clouded foggy mess. I walked across the parking lot and fished my keys out of my coat pocket. I pressed the unlock button and opened the door of Mercedes G wagon. I stepped inside and closed the door shivering from the cold leather interior. I started the car and connected my phone after I turned on the heat. I put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking spot. I exited the parking lot and pulled onto the street joining the light afternoon traffic. I drove the car on auto pilot making sure I kept my eyes on the road as my mind wandered aimlessly around trying to wrap my head around the homework Dr.Roslyn gave me. Suddenly the car began to ring and I was brought back to reality. I pressed the answer button on the steering wheel after seeing it was Coby.
