The tea about me. (Author)

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So, Y'all I was just venting to my ppl in my Daily Struggles Of Sis book, whew chile!! When I tell you, this piece I wrote took me clean tf out. 😂😂 It's true tea though. It'll kinda give you insight of me as an individual. It basically tells you why my summer has been trash and why the ending of my story was high key trash along with it.....Lastly it also gives you insight on the insecurities of me.

As a plus sized girl, a dark skinned plus size girl at that, I tend to question myself ALOT. On one end I'd be like what if I did this? On the other end I'd tell myself I can't do it because of this, that, and etc. As I lay around in bed , I think about all the things I can and should do. Like maybe I should go back to school, or maybe I should do a photo shoot for big girls, but then again all of these bad thoughts come in my head. Like what if no one is down for it? Where the hell Am I going to get the money from for that, and where the fuck am I going to find some cute plus sized girls to do this shit with. I only have two plus sized friends. Everyone else is petite asf.

Anyways, another thing that I question is my love life. Like why in the hell are all my friends finding good ass men, while I'm still single, and a virgin? I'm not hating, but damn ..... They could at least tell me what prayer they used to find these good ass men. Shit, I'm tired of being alone. I've tried dating and lowering MY standards, and Guess what? I still got played and used. (Well, not really used ... but played.) While dating this man, I let go ALL of the men I was communicating with , just to show my loyalty, and guess what I got out of the deal? Good head, and strep throat. Yup, I ended up getting sick y'all . All in the name of lust. In the process of him giving me head, the fool had the NERVE to ask me if he could take my virginity. I told him NO. Like , I may be a lil naive at times.... but a dumb ass?! Nah. I've only knew the dude for a month and a half , and When I tell you that was the LONGEST month and a half I've ever had to endure, honey it was crazy. There I was trying to get over the death of my grandmother, which I'm still not . There he was trying to get over the death his mom, so he says. I refuse to believe that he wanted to hang with me after the loss of his mother. 🙄 Ooo , not to mention the fact that he tried to get money out of me. The fuck he thought I was a cash cow? Like yeah, I'm may be a big girl with a tad bit of money, but a cash cow? Nah. Then he asked me to order him some food. Like dude, you have two jobs. I only have one, and looking for two my damn self. Where the hell does all your money go? Oh yeah that's right, on weed. The mf spent most of his money on weed, but never had the funds to even take a bitch out on another date , but there I was tryna be considerate. Giving him a chance because he was depressed, and deep down I knew I was depressed too. He ended the communication with us, by not responding to my messages. After I constantly asked him was he still interested. He'd say yes, but wasn't acting like it. I mean I ain't gone lie, I was slightly hurt because I gave him a chance ... despite the fact that he was broke, he had a small dick and had an addiction to marijuana... but I took that L like a champ. Then I called myself tryna date outside of my race and homeboy said NIGGA. I just couldn't continue communicating with him, because y'all what if mad day come and he call me a nigga? I'd have to bat the fuck out of him. 😂😂😂 Nah, but fr though. The fucked up thing about it was that he was such a kind person, fine as hell and 6'5 too. Ugh, but the pro black in me couldn't do it y'all. Fucking around with him, I would've been in the sunken place. Truth be told it was a sink or swim situation.

Another thing I tend to question is my looks, like when people tell me I'm pretty.... do they mean that shit? Or is it just some type of compliment because they feel sorry for me??? I know that beauty is subjective, and the eye of the beholder and shit.... but do y'all ever wonder if the person or people who find you attractive ever mean it? Or if they just saying it to fuck? The reason I question this, is that in the process of growing, And glowing, I found that a lot of people who knew me in school... all of a sudden gain feelings for me. Like y'all hoes been knowing me and now all of a sudden y'all like. The fuck outta here, and don't get me started on these social media mfs who be all in my dms, but in real life NEVER give me the time of day. Dealing with that fuckery makes me question myself and my looks a lot . I also have to deal with people down playing my looks because I'm a plus sized girl. Can't even wear a crop top in peace without these mfs talking about me, but then at the same time dudes would look at me and never say anything. They friends would be quick to flirt with my smaller/ Normal sized friends though. The shit just confuses me.

Call me weird y'all , but everything in my life has been confusing as fuck. Some shit I just can't grasp... Like men , my life, my career choice options, my everything.... Please tell me I ain't the only one dealing with these issues, because in this fucked up mind of mine, I  feel like a lost soul.

If y'all read this , y'all real asf because honestly I'm just writing out my emotions and shit. Y'all don't even know me like that, but if you read this . Thank you. 😊♥️♥️

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