(37) Don't look so shocked.

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Chapter 37- Don't look so shocked.

Opening the door was courage, it really was.

But Kyle's words echoed through the pits of my mind, no doubt spurring me on. I was a lucky girl, the luckiest to walk the planet, I knew.

I stepped foot onto the tiled flooring, the first thing my eyes followed to was the white washed walls; so plain and boring, definitely not my kind of thing.

My eyes then snapped to my mother, sat on a cushioned chair, she had made her self at home with a few pictures on a table beside her. Pictures of me, Tammy, my father and past relatives.

I walked slowly over to her, and she jumped up from her seat. I jumped and took a few steps back. My heart was pounding in my chest, but it didn't stop my mother, she made her way over to me quickly, almost desperate to hold me, but I didn't feel safe.

She took me into her arms and hugged me with a fierce pull. My arms stayed limp to the side of me, I couldn't bare myself to hug her back, after all that she had done? Why should I. I was still scared, the lonely, lost child wanting to come out of me again. I couldn't let it.

"I'm so sorry, I am so very sorry," I could feel her shaking while she hugged me, she was crying.

She was always so well put together, so strong and bleak, never letting anybody witness the emotions she felt inside. Here, in front of me crying and shaking, I felt some kind of sympathy towards her.

She wasn't the greatest mother, but she was my mother. She was flesh an blood at the end of the day and it didn't feel right to hate her, however much I tried, I just couldn't.

I wrapped my arms around her body too, welcoming the soft lavender smell she always gave out, and it took me back to how it used to be.

"Mom," I said. Tears welled up in my eyes but I didn't want to set them free.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered again. She pulled back, and her eyes told me everything I needed to know, she was sincere in what she was saying. But she seemed as if she was holding something back.

"What is it, mom?" I asked in a hoarse voice. She looked to the floor.

"I was so scared,"

"About what?" I asked confusingly. I hadn't expected that.

"About what I was capable of, I knew I wasn't quite right, I knew there must have been something wrong. I felt angered, all the time I saw red, I felt hatred over you and over many, many things. I was evil, and scared because I was capable of so much, and I proved myself right in the end," my mother stated as I felt her legs giving out. I grabbed her in time and sat her back down on the chair.

She pointed the the chair opposite, indicating for me to sit down and I knew her instructive nature wasn't lost in her.

Once I was seated, I took a full look at her appearance. She was looking okay, she was dressed immaculate, like she always was, and there was a little part of me which was glad she was doing okay. I didn't want to see any harm.

At the end of the day, I'm just a growing teenager, I still loved my mother, like a young girl should, whatever the circumstances, and even when I was really mad and in a whole lot of doubt, there was always that little part of me that never stopped loving my mother. I just wish she was there when I needed her. And I used to wish she loved me just as much as I her.

Feeling unloved and neglected was heart breaking enough.

"I'm not proud of what I did, and I wish it never went that far to really show me that I needed to get here," she said, "I'm just glad I'm here and I'm much better now, Cali,"

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