Blackbird

You Ain't Got No One To Hold You

I wanted to feel better but I just couldn't get happy, I mean who could if they were in my shoes? Ms.Eden prescribed me so medication for my severe depression and anxiety, my happy pills. When I take them I can't feel anything, no anger, no sadness....nothing. It may surprise people but I'd rather feel pain than be numb like a robot. One downside to not taking the medication is the nightmares. It never fails it's different each time but a nightmare nonetheless.

The one that freaked me out the most was of Tara's funeral, everyone was seated in the pews weeping and I was alone to walk to her casket. When I made it to the front it was her she didn't look how she looked that day she was still beaten and bruised. She was also dressed differently in colorful tights and a matching shirt, it was what she was wearing the day it happened.

The tights were ripped in the crotch area and bloody I wanted to cry but my screams were silent, nothing came out. The people's sobs got louder and louder, I couldn't even think. Just when I felt like I couldn't stand the noise any longer, Tara's eyes opened and she grabbed my arm instantly silencing the cries of the people. She looked directly at me with her cold, lifeless eyes and whispered "Why?"

That was the night Evan told me I should make sure going to visit my mom in prison is what I wanted to do. So after that dream I made my decision, I felt like it was a sign from beyond. Tara wanted me to find out why and I wanted to know too. So as I stood in front of the prison building hesitating to go in I could hear her voice ringing out in my head over and over.

why

why

why

I took a huge deep breath and followed Vanessa inside. We had to sign in and wait for my name to be called, as time went by my palms began to sweat and my heart began to race. In my mind I knew I'd be going in there alone, and I was dreading it but I needed to do this on my own.

"Rena Klein" the guard called. Vanessa gave me a reassuring smile and patted my hand, I stood up and walked through the doors. The guard escort me down a hallway then we stopped at a door and she pat me down. She cleared me and then let me in the room full of other visitors here to see inmates. The guard pointed to a table and there she was, the woman who was supposed to protect and love us unconditionally, Teresa, my mother. She looked horrible but better than her usual crackhead appearance. Which I'm surprised she didn't start using the low grade stuff they deal in here. When I got closer to the table her eyes fell on me and smiled, when I was in arms reach she tried to give me a hug.

"Don't touch me" I said lowly but loud enough for her to hear me. Her smile faltered a little but she regained her composure and started to smile again. I sat down across from her, trying to figure out what to say first.

"You so pretty, healthy I remember when you was born, looking just like your daddy but as you grew up you were the spitting image of me, my mini me. The proudest days of my life is when I had you and Tara" she beamed. It stung to hear her talk about my sister like nothing had ever happened.

"If that was the proudest then I'm sure the worst day of your life is when she was raped and murdered, because I know it was mine" I blurted out. She looked taken aback, I know she wasn't expecting that but I'm not going to sit and converse with her like she's a mother not a monster.

"Rena listen, things aren't just so black and white there is always a grey area-"

"Are you trying to justify letting someone defile and kill your daughter?" I snapped. Before she could say anything else I spoke sternly " Let's not even get started on how you let men rape me and you tried to say I was doing a favor for the family, but fuck that I don't care about me. I just want to know why? Why did you not love us? Why would you let someone hurt her?" I asked, tears forming in my eyes. I sniffled and wiped my face on my sleeve, I saw a single tear fall down her cheek then she shook her head.

"First of all young lady watch ya mouth, I'm still your mama" she scolded.

"Bitch you are not my mother, just because you had the ability to lie on your back and get knocked up with me does not make you my mother. A mother is someone who loves, nurtures, and protects her children. A real mother would die to protect her own from any harm but you, you fed us to the wolves and fucking watched. I was Tara's mother and I had no mother. So now I'm going to ask one more time, why?" I stated. She was silent for a moment but I looked her right in the eye my demeanor never faltering.

"It wasn't my fault, it wasn't supposed to happen. I told him to be gentle and not to hurt her....he took her in my room and locked the door. When I heard her screams I tried to get the door opened I banged and yelled as hard as I could, I tried. I know I'm a sorry excuse of a mother and nothing can ever make up for what I did to you two, and if there is a hell I know that's where I will spend eternity. You have to believe me Rena I loved you two the best way I knew how to, I will never forgive myself for what happened to your sister, or to you for that matter."

"I think I'll sleep a little more peacefully at night knowing you'll never forgive yourself. I hurt every single day Teresa, its like a bottomless pit of pain and even though I know it isn't my fault I feel guilty. To know that one of the people actually at fault feels guilty makes me feel so good, I hope it eats you alive. I hope her screams ring out in your mind when you try to sleep and I hope in every waking moment you see her lifeless face in every single thing you do. I hope the guilt drives you mad until you die and as for him, the other monster. I pray that everything that he did to us someone in prison does to him and when they murder him, I want him choke on his own blood trying to scream for the help that never comes." I let it sink in for a moment and once I realized she had nothing more to say I got up and exited the room.