Jungkook: The Friendly Ghost

39. Tokyo

Waking up alone feels wrong.

It feels wrong because I haven't woken up alone since the day I moved into this apartment. He was always there. Always, always there. Either sitting on the edge of the bed, doing something not so subtle to force me to wake up or simply laying down in silence next to me.

And these past few days, I would always wake up in his arms. But not today.

I knew he wouldn't be here, he warned me and now I realize why he did so, because the second I opened my eyes, I went into full on panic, only to realize that he isn't supposed to be here. I refuse to imagine what would have happened if he had not warned me, if this is painful.

And it's painful because this is exactly what awaits me. This is what my every day is going to be like from now on. Waking up without him and wishing he was here.

Feeling and probably looking like a zombie, I get up and stumble to my wardrobe. After rummaging for a few seconds, I laugh at the irony when I realize which shirt I grabbed – it's Namjoon's, one of the plenty I took hostage during our five years together.

Not only am I not with him, but I love another man with my entire heart and yet, I don't have his shirt to wear. I suppose I could go down to the garage and rummage through the boxes full of his stuff but without him with me, I'd feel like I am invading his privacy. No, I would be invading his privacy.

Falling in love with a ghost isn't exactly normal and now when I have the chance to fight the abnormal things my life has, I do it by acting normal.

That includes making coffee, giving GD his food and just... walk around the apartment aimlessly because for the last few weeks, Jungkook has been the very center of my life and without him, everything is weird. Knowing he'll be back makes it bearable but all I can think is... then what? What when we actually get to the point where he won't return? What the hell do I do then?

Something catches my eye and I do a double take when I see newspapers on the kitchen counter.

Newspapers.

The only time I ever bought newspapers was when my grandmother made me buy here when I was 10.

Where the hell did he even find newspapers?

I am not surprised when I see them open and a red marker next to it – I laugh when I see what he wrote.

I was bored lol

And right next, circled, a job add for a radio show host.

The idiot remembered when I randomly uttered that that's the only job I'd know how to do.

God, I really do love him, don't I?

I fold the newspapers and put them on the side but not away, knowing that job hunting isn't what I'm going to focus on the next few days. It has to be all about him. and afterwards... well, we'll see how long it will take me to pick up the pieces.

"What's wrong buddy?" I ask GD when he snuggles up next to me on the sofa, looking up at me like... well, like a sad puppy. "I haven't been paying that much attention to you, have I? I've been so busy with other things, with Kook... I'll take you out for a walk as soon as he comes back, okay?"

GD responds by laying his head on my thigh and just enjoying the little scratches I give him. I guess I should put giving my dog deserved attention also needs to go to my post-Jungkook list of stuff to do.

After a solid half an hour of cuddling with the pup, I am surprised when of all people, Hoseok calls me. Whenever we go back to our hometown, Hoseok disappears from the face of the world. He's one of those people that simply doesn't need his phone when he's around the those he loves. I was prepared for zero contact with him until he returns and in all honesty, I had other things on my mind.

"What's cooking good looking?"

"Hey, what's up?" he laughs. "I just wanted to check up on you, it's all."

"All is good," I sigh, knowing that he can probably tell I'm lying because nothing is even close to good. "I haven't started a fire in the apartment, we're all still standing. GD is doing okay. All is good."

"Good, good but... I was more worried about you."

"I'm okay Hobi," I sigh. "I'm... a little lost but I'm okay."

I won't be in a few days but that's future JJ's problem.

"It's weird without you here," he tells me. "Whenever I'd go back home, you'd be with me. It's weird not having you here, even with Jimin and Yoongi missing too. I don't know... I have a feeling things are not okay and I just want to tell you that I love you. You're... you're the closest thing I ever had to a sister."

"Hobi, why are you so emo suddenly?" I tease him, despite the fact that I myself had tears in my eyes when he talked like that. "It's all good. I'm okay. You're okay. We're okay. Things might have been jumbled and... I don't know. It's just okay. Shit will happen and things will change but we're gonna be okay. We always are. You know you're me only brother, right? I love 'em all but you're my brother."

"Just know I'm here, okay? Day or night."

Things like that are easier said than done. no one wants to admit the truth, and that is that sometimes, you simply won't be able to be there. The truth is that sometimes, people won't ask for help.

A lie sounds better. He lies and so I lie too. Just because we lie doesn't mean we love each other any less.

"I know. Right back at you."

We finish the conversation with a few more reassuring words and while I do have a smile on my face, the uneasy feeling in my belly starts to grow.

It starts to grow and it's spreading rapidly.

Because at 7 I was asleep.

At 8 I was awake and just registering things.

At 9 I was okay, minding my own business.

At 10 it started and I ignored it.

At 11 my legs was jumping up and down.

At noon I took GD out for a quick walk, rushing back home just in case.

At 1 I was pacing around the living room, uselessly trying to calm myself down.

At 2 I finally admitted to myself that he wouldn't do this. Not in this situation, not now, not when he knows what I would think and how I would feel.

At 3 I considered calling Taehyung.

At 4 I threw my phone at the wall, shattering it into pieces, ran to put on my sneakers while trying to see through tears because I finally accepted the truth and that's that he would never do this to me. Never, not in this situation, no way.

Not unless he's already dead.