Mates of a Human

Part One. Chapter Six. Alex.

I moved away after my rehabilitation, I had to. Although when I looked at Marcus and Jenny and the others and felt nothing, I could no longer stand the repeated questions. Who rejected me? Who put me in that coma? I refused to answer anyone. I did not care if they knew, really, but I also no longer cared to think about it either. It was over. I was done.

I spent a year in that coma. That ruined all my plans for my own future and even then I found I felt nothing, as if it did not matter to me. I could have reentered education, taken my A-Levels, gotten myself a degree, but with my vision altered, I didn't feel qualified to continue pursuit of my dream. Just like a person with red and green colourblindness should probably think twice before becoming an electrician, how could I diagnose people if I could not see the tone of their skin, the difference between a graze beneath the skin or a bruise and then what age was that bruise? Everything was in shades of grey, not a drop of colour existed in my new universe.

The doctors could not explain this and after my initial panic, I decided that it did not actually bother me.

I moved at least three towns over, anonymous, no one knew who I was here and I found I preferred it that way. I no longer needed people to surround me. I no longer felt that imagined link to a pack. I felt... nothing.

And I moved on with my life. I tried several jobs, but working in a cafe did not work out, I couldn't smile warmly at all of the patrons and make small talk. And working in retail shop with clothing also was a fail, when I mixed up the black and 'brown' jumpers of the same knit because I really could not tell the difference. In the end, I turned to my roots; a hospital. I was just a cleaner there, mopping the corridors and cleaning toilets until they sparkled, but I felt comfortable there.

I lived in a small apartment in a high rise, I was on the fourth floor. My parents bought the place for me, they would have preferred to find something bigger, something in a better area, but I didn't want to stand out, I wanted to hide and mediocrity was perfect for that. Not that it was a flawless solution. I was solicited upon the street a couple of times, something about having the looks and height to become a model. I wasn't interested.

My home had two bedrooms, in case my parents came to visit, and a small bathroom, kitchen and living area. It was warm and cosy and would have been more so, if everything was not so grey. I left decorating to my mother, otherwise the place could have ended up a hot mess and I never would have been able to tell. I already had to label all of my clothes as 'blue' 'red' 'actually black' so I looked somewhat presentable when I left the place.

Not that I had anywhere to go. I went to work, stayed at home or visited the library. Books were already printed in black and white, I didn't have to worry about colour when reading them. Admittedly, I tended to read medical texts. I couldn't summon the emotional capacity required of me for fictional books and I wasn't interested in the lives of others.

I am painting my life as being very dull and frankly it was. I can only describe it as it was if a part of my soul was missing, that part that had loved Marcus and felt as if it was a part of the pack. That part that would have let the arsehole David become my mate, had he not rejected me. That part that he killed or stole away with his rejection. I was empty without it, the rest of my soul was frozen, unable to even flounder as it tried to figure out what to do.

And now I am waffling.

Sorry.

I did sometimes smile without it being fake and I did sometimes feel warmth within me no matter that it was muted. At the hospital, just before my shift began, I would often sneak down to the renal unit and say hello to Jemima, a feisty old biddy, who would tell me that flirting with me made her day. She was on dialysis. She would not receive a kidney, her age and the fact that her body had rejected her first implant after ten years had ended that chance. However, she was so full of life despite everything. In her presence, I would actually feel shame, but it would fade the moment I left her room and began my rounds.