Ugh [Peter Parker]

Deserving

It took everything in him to be able to say those words to you. He wanted to let you say whatever it was you had to say, even though he was sure he didn't want to hear it. He wanted to say he was strong enough to just be friends with you- to get to know you and learn you but not be able to love you. It would be a lie, but he didn't have to tell you that. Still, it should be better this way, shouldn't it? He could keep you safe from a distance. No one would suspect that you knew he was Queens hero. He also wouldn't have to know you- so it wouldn't hurt so much, right? He'd be fine right?

Right.

At least he thought so. After he'd spoken to you, you stopped staring at him. You stopped looking for him and you stopped trying to reach him. He wasn't sure if this was better- it certainly didn't feel better, but then again that might just be the pull he was feeling. Regardless of what he felt or what he thought, that pull would always be there. He would always want to be with you- he would always want just you, exactly as you were. He couldn't say the same for you, however. He'd heard stories of people who'd had soulmates that didn't feel the pull like they did or could ignore it. For a long time he was sure that had to be some sort of myth or something but no, it was true and he was living it. It was his reality, and he was sure it hurt more than being alone. At least when you were alone you were numb. You could shut yourself away and ignore all reminders that you were alone- but this? He'd constantly be reminded of you, especially for the remainder of his High School years. He'd always feel you there, and when he didn't he know he'd worry.

He never imagined he'd find you, but he especially never imagined you wouldn't want him.

Life was cruel.

You thought so too. You were so ready to tell him- so prepared to start a friendship with him, one that would blossom into something beautiful down the road. You were ready to learn him, to be around him and grow to love him more than anything. However- now he probably wasn't ready anymore. How couldn't he be? You'd pushed him away- so much so you damn near let him die. You'd said that this was a mistake- you hurt him. Why would he want someone like that? Why should he let you in now? You didn't deserve it and you knew that- but it still didn't hurt any less. He had to understand though, he had to know you were just terrified. You had only thought of the negatives that could come from this, negatives that only affected you. You didn't think of the good that could come from this, didn't think for one second that someone as physically strong and capable as him, would need someone like you. It wasn't about physical strength, it was about mental strength, emotion strength. Two things he struggled with and you didn't even have to fully know him to be able to tell. His life was going to be hard. He was going to have to lose people- most of which he wouldn't even know. He'd have to watch people die- watch them mourn for their loved ones and scream out to the sky as if they were damning it for letting them lose their world.

He would have to see and feel so much heartache. It didn't matter how physically strong you were, those kinds of sights tore you down from the inside out. They were the kind of things that would haunt your dreams and waking thoughts. No matter who you were, you needed someone to keep you grounded properly- someone to help you bear the weight of your world. That was what soulmates were for. That was what he needed of you. He needed someone to come home to- someone to love him when he hated himself for things far beyond his control.

You were going to need him to- there were going to be days you'd be unable to handle. You were going to want to need him- and that was the best thing about soulmates. Yes, of course you could live without them. Yes, life would go on and yes, you were fine before them- but you didn't want to be. You wanted to need them- wanted to want them. Everyone wanted someone to share their life with, someone who would love them like no other and make their days brighter just by their very presence. Soulmates were a beautiful thing- and you'd lost it. You lost that beautiful thing by letting your own fears take ahold of it. You'd let your negative thoughts twist and turn this beautiful thing until nothing was left of it.

"Leave me alone, [Y/n]. Please. I've stopped hurting you- can you do the same for me?", he'd said.

He wanted to be left alone. He didn't want any part of you anymore- not when you hurt him so. You sighed heavily, playing with the lid of your coffee with your fingertips. You'd needed coffee desperately, and this time you made sure not to burn your tongue. He'd stopped causing you such awful pain, now it was your turn to do the same. Regardless of what you wanted, you had to just leave him be. High School went by quick, wouldn't it? In a few years time you could be done- you could flee the state and give him the distance he probably wanted. It would hurt, and you'd think of him every day, but you would live.

This was your own fault-

"Everybody, on the ground now!"

Your head snapped up, looking to the entrance of your favorite café. It was your favorite because it was little and locally run- because it was safe. They hadn't had any run ins with petty robbers or even rowdy customers- so what the hell was this? Who seriously wanted to rob this place? It was run by a sweet old lady and her grandson who was in College! Sometimes they barely made ends meet, but they still kept their prices reasonable and-

"You! I said get on the ground now!", the man had his attention on you, you were the only one still sitting in your seat. Everyone else was on the ground, hands up and faces scared. There weren't many people in here, so he probably thought this would be easy. Especially since he was only pointing a knife at you. Really though? A knife? That was only good close up- so why was everyone so petrified? Hell- his hands were shaking! He was probably more scared than they were.

You swallowed hard, staring the masked man down, "Do you really want to rob this sweet elderly lady's café? With a small knife?"

"Don't make me tell you again!"

"Just put the knife away and go home. Leave this place alone.", you puffed, not the slightest bit scared of the man. He was only holding a knife, what could he possibly do? Anyone could wrestle it away from him- so why wasn't anyone doing it? It was a small blade! It looked cheap too.

You made a mistake though. He wasn't only carrying a knife, and his hands weren't shaking because he was scared. It was because he was angry and frustrated. You didn't realize this until you felt something cold and hard against your forehead. It didn't feel familiar- it shouldn't for anyone, yet somehow your brain still managed to register what it was.

"Get on the ground, now. Otherwise I blow your fucking brains out.", he hissed quietly, tone very serious and threatening.

Ah. There it went- that fear that you were supposed to feel when his voice first rang out. It shot straight down your spine and pooled up deep in the pit of your gut. Before you knew it your hands were shaking- your whole body felt like it was shaking as you stared at the masked man- eyes bouncing from his mask to the gun he pointed at your skull.

"Yeah, not so tough now huh? Now get down.", he was smirking, you could tell with the way his eyes bore into yours.

You just did as he said, shakily clambering to the floor. There were so many times that you'd told yourself you wouldn't be one of those compliant victims. That you'd fight and fight- but your body betrayed your thoughts. Survival was the only thing on your mind, and if you had to get on the floor to live, you would. There was no fight in you- not now, not with a gun pressed against your head by a person with their finger just mere centimeters from pulling on the trigger. All it would take was one squeeze and you'd be done for. One simple little action and you'd be dead. Maybe you deserved this- especially now that all you could think of was him. You'd been so scared of his alter-ego putting you in danger- of having to constantly fear for his life and be worried, and now here you were. You had the cold barrel of a gun pressed harshly against your skull- all because of your own mouth and misjudgment.

He wasn't going to come save you, was he?

"On your stomach, completely, and don't even think about getting up again- or maybe I should just make an example of you? Show everyone else that I'm not playing any fucking games-"

"Please don't..", you whispered, unable to stop yourself. You didn't want to die-

"Don't talk back! On your stomach!", he was angry again, kicking your side harshly so you'd fall to your stomach with a hiss of pain. Fear continued to course through you as he let out a dark little chuckle. It was obvious this man wasn't here for just money. He was crazy and he wanted to prove it. He was going to kill you, wasn't he?

Was this what you deserved?