The Lonely God

6.

*Song above: Scientist by Coldplay

-HER-

After dinner, I come straight to my room and lock myself into it as usual. Since finals are next month, I decide to study or rather torture myself.

I pick up the bag from the floor and throw it on my bed before climbing on it myself. I open the chain and hold the bag upside down until everything has fallen on the bed and the bag is totally empty. I chose my English book to start off with.

As soon as I open the book and try to read the first sentence, my head starts to ache.

All the words pour out of the book and start to float in the air while some start to crawl around the mess on my bed like spiders. Everything seems jumbled, puzzled and the letters dance in front of my eyes, leaving their words, messing the sentences. They daunt me, they haunt me. They tease me because I can't catch them and put them on right places so that they could make sense to me.

The 'd's and the 'b's look so confusing. I can't tell them apart. To me, they appear the same. I see the words leave the book, leaving the page empty and run around for me to catch them.

The more I try to concentrate, more confusing it gets. Some words flutter in front of my eyes like bees, buzzing around my ears, annoying the hell out of me. They seem to be mocking me, laughing at me.

I don't even know what I am reading and what the chapter is all about. It's so confusing. I can hardly make the words out. It's like everything is written in a language I am not familiar with.

Frustrated, I slam the book shut and throw it across the room. It hits the wall across my room before landing on the floor with a loud thud as its pages bend and crumble, destroying half the book.

I clutch my head and sit in silence but my peace is cut short when the voices in my head start to play...

'You can't read!'
'Get out and never show your ugly ass face again.'
'You're just a worthless piece of shit!'
'Why are you even alive?'
'Mom wants to talk to you.'
'She doesn't have a mate.'
'And if you fail... you'll never see the sun again.'
'Look at her, how pathetic she is.'
'She'll die young.'
'You're lying, Nefret.'
'Why can't you be just like your sisters?'
'Stop it, Nefret!'
'Try harder, Nefret.'
'She'll never have a mate.'
'She'll die young.'
'It'll be a shame to get rid of you so easily.'
'Everyone hates you, Nefret.'
'I'll give you three tasks. If you....'

"ENOUGH!" I scream, clutching my hair with such force that it's hurting my scalp. These voices keep ringing in my head. What can I do to stop them? They hurt my head. They hurt me. It's like a constant reminder to me that I am a waste. I am just... just not worth anything.

Suddenly, I feel my cheeks wet but I wipe my tears away instantly. There was a time when I used to be in my room and cry for long hours. No matter what I did, my cheeks always used to be wet. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to find my cheeks wet with fresh tears.

But one day, I decided to stop crying because there's no use to rue over things that I can't control. My fate has already been decided and no matter how much I cry, it can't be changed.

I shake my head and get up from my bed before crossing my room and picking up the book. I straighten the crumbled pages as I walk back to my bed and climb back on it. I have to pass the tests this time to be promoted as a senior.