In My Sister's Shadow-Book II

9. Night of Revelations; Part II

"Do you remember that December?" He was smirking now looking away. "I hate winter. The nights are be long. The days deadly cold and work at the building sight equally as difficult. I returned from work and Zeenat planned to go on holiday in Benidorm. I refused, I didn't have the money. I told her to wait but she always had Bank of Daddy available. She wanted sunshine. I punched the mirror."
His breath clouded into the air. It was short gasps like he was controlling his rage. He recalled the day in snippets. Every argument was ingrained in my head. Zayn and Zeenat disrupted the peace in the house. I didn't know who was really to blame. I didn't care. I just wanted them to shut up.
"I didn't want to spend his money. She was my wife, I had to provide for her. I was seething with anger when your dad started on me-"
"I had to intervene."
"You came into my room." It felt like an accusation.
"You broke the mirror-" I explained my intention.
"Yes." He looked at his knuckles like he'd just punched a mirror. "I could have easily snapped your dad's neck. I was full energy ready to fight. You came to me, you had your large cream sweater on. Long sleeves, at that point I didn't know you were covering your scars. Large black glasses-"
It dawned on me that I erased this memory from my memory bank, but Zayn bought it to light like the sunrise. He stepped closer to me, like that night, forbidden as we were for each other. I swallowed hard. He memorised every detail.
"You told me to calm down, you sat me down and gave me a glass of water. You cared about me, no one else did, back then. You said-"
He paused.
"-To be patient, Zeenat is flighty she likes to travel you have to stop controlling her. That's right. You saw her flaws, not just mine."
Standing with Zayn, I could see that same mad man who was in love with a beautiful woman. A spoilt woman who was used to a lavish lifestyle and now struggling with a builder earning a meagre wage. A man who struggled to please her and I wanted to help Zayn understand his wife.
"It was then I saw Zoh'ra behind Zorro's mask; your glasses."
With his blood stained hands, he took off my glasses.
"Zayn, what are you doing?"
He brushed his thumb along my cheek. "You know me. You see me. You understand my needs. Why wasn't it you?" he said.
My heart thudded. I suddenly felt warm under the coat and shawl. Now I realised what he meant that night. Why wasn't it you?
"It was then it occurred to me, I married the wrong sister. I should have gone for the quiet one, the clever one who cared about me but didn't show it."
We stood still like that night, forbidden for each other. His feelings causing shockwaves through me. This was why I erased the illicit memory, I flirted with the possibility of, what if?
"I did the right thing Zoh'ra and moved out. I couldn't live there after that night."
That's why he left. It was sudden and strange, now it made sense.
"I couldn't live there with the doubts and feelings. We were happy in Walsall. We had the children and we were struggling, but coping. But that was taken from me, she died. I was broken and alone all over again."
He paused, looking down at the lights reflecting in the silence. I noticed how the view calmed him down, his breath were slow and long.
"I still remember that day, after Zeenat died, you were in my house for the first time. I was struggling at work, leaving the kids at home. I had debts and then you came. Holding peach flowers, you were there and somehow- I knew things would get better- now you were back in my life, in the kids life. ."
He'd harboured such deep feelings, that I was oblivious. Tears pooled in my eyes.
"Then your dad asked me to marry you-"
I dreaded him to complete the sentence. I wasn't sure what to expect. This would essentially make or break me. It would take our marriage into another dimension.
"When he asked me to marry the the clever one, the one who cared about me, I thought he was mental. He was handing me-the wild pathan-his most precious possession, the key to his safe, for me to loot." He cackled with a cruel laughter making his way towards me.
"I'd struck the jackpot. I wanted to say yes, there and then, but I would sound desperate. I was still grieving for Zeenat, God must have liked me to bring you into my life." The cold wind blew my wayward hair over my face. He brushed it aside. "I wanted you. Yes, I was recovering over your sister's death, but you-I wanted. I didn't understand how my mind worked. The marriage wasn't forced."
I gasped for air. Was I hearing right? I wanted to touch him, to hold his hand but he was processing his thoughts and I couldn't interrupt. I wanted to hear everything tonight. Everything in the night of revelations.
"You-" With his index finger he lowered my shawl exposing my mouth. "You made me want to be a better man, worthy of you. A decent man like Amjad." His thumb traced my lips. I could taste his salty blood.
"Yes, I am jealous of him. He's good man. The kind of man women bring home to introduce to their dads. Dressed well, speaks well. But you-" he traced the edge of my red cold nose.
"You doubted me and told the police I abused Zeenat. They interrogated me. I felt like a criminal." He stepped back.
"I'm sorry-" I reached out but he stopped me raising his hand.
"After that night we argued, I came here." He pointed at the ground. "I thought about it. You didn't want me, you wanted the children and take them back to your parents. That's why you married me."
"No Zayn-
"You never cared about me." He yelled his voice echoing in the hills. "Admit it!"
"Yes! Yes!" I cried out.
"I don't know how to show my emotions, no one ever taught me. My mum was murdered when I was six, dad ran off with his girlfriend and I was bought up in different care homes. I thought you'd understand me. I was wrong!"
Guilt twisted my stomach watching him sew the pieces of his damaged childhood together. He held me in high regard and I let him down. I broke his trust.
"I don't know how to tell a girl I like her, and she means the world to me." He walked towards me once again looking into my eyes. "I felt I was betraying Zeenat like that night in the bedroom when you came to me with your glasses on. Even when you were my wife, I couldn't touch you, I couldn't tell you, it was wrong. I couldn't look at you like you were my wife I didn't have Zeenat's permission. But now-" he shook his head. "-after everything, I know it was one sided and you were forced by your dad."
"Yes! I was. How do you think I felt?"I snatched his t-shirt. It was my time, I had to speak and he had to listen. I pulled off my shawl and let it dangle across my shoulder.
"Zeenat was a beautiful woman! She was pretty, fair, long silky hair and all the boys fancied her. I am the dark one. I had to step in her shadow, in her pretty shoes."
He turned away, but I hot footed around in front of him.
"I saw how happy she made you, I never could. Then the children, I'd never been a mother. Now, I have three. And you-I didn't know you well." I argued to push my point accross. 
"Zayn-" I shook his arm. "You were a mystery, angry and dangerous. I'd always saw you as my bother in law. I felt sorry for the way Zeenat talked down to you, mocked you in front of dad made you look like an idiot. I felt I was betraying her." He grabbed my wrist to a halt and held it tight.
"Dad forced me because he was worried about the kids. He didn't care about me, my feelings." I cried. Warm tears rolling down my cold cheeks.
"He sent me to your house to care for Zeenat's kids. It's always been her and her kids! He has never cared about me and my feelings. Why do you think I've always done this to myself?" I tugged my wrist that he held. He let my wrist free and I revealed old scars, running his finger along the mark as he couldn't see in the light.
"I can't control anything in my life, Zayn. But this, when I cut myself, I feel better. I'm in control. I can stop. I release the emotions and I feel  good and I don't care if anyone says it's bad ! I'm damaged Zayn-" I held onto him. "We're both damaged and only you understand me." I raised myself up onto my tiptoes leaning my head against his chest nestling in for warmth.
"Dad sent me to protect Zeenat's children and bring them home. I failed him and surrendered to your love when I saw the honest Zayn. The real man under the lies people told me." Holding his bristly chin in my cold hands, my thumb brushed his cheek. "Don't you see Zayn. I'm totally yours. I break without you, Zayn. Don't you see?"
He moved back. Cold. Aloof. Uncaring.
"You haven't failed. You won. They're yours." He chucked the van keys at me. Quickly, I grabbed them. "You've done a stellar job. You even slept with me to convince me. Well done Zorro!" He clapped my performance. "You deserve an Oscar. You've won. It was never real. Zara will be back with her beloved naani-"
He walked away from me disregarding my feelings and my tears. I chased him, refusing to give up on us.
"She's a child, Zayn. She wants her strong, tall daddy to protect her."
"This is the end of the road for us."
He made his way around the van and towards the main road.
"Zayn, please don't leave me here. I beg you. I need you. Let me prove to you that you can trust me."
He stopped and turned around, his white teeth seething.
"And what happened with that bastard?" he pointed referring to Suhel. "Did you lie? Did daddy plan something to get me arrested."
"No!" I shrieked. "He came into my room. I told you. I thought you believed me." I looked at his hands wondering why he beat him up if he didn't believe me.
"You could have killed him Zayn. We have to leave here. You could go to jail."
"Do you think I'm scared?" He grabbed my shoudlers tight shaking me, making me understand. "Prison doesn't scare me. You scare me." His grip tight, digging into me. "If I stay here the thought of trusting you, losing you, you betraying me again terrifies me. Just as you can ground me you can easily uproot and destroy me. You don't understand my insanity, I would kill him for you. That's what you do to me."
I reached out touching his arm.
He relased me and pushed me away like it was speck of dust.
"Any man who touches my wife, with or without my permission-will suffer the consequences. I'm not done with him. But me and you-we're finished."
"Zayn!" I implored running after him.
"Go home, to your parents. Take them-" he pointed to the van. "They don't deserve this. I can't make Zara happy."
I couldn't let him go. I ran after him. Wrapping my arms under his arms and holding him from behind, I stopped him. I needed him to breathe to live another day. But Zayn made up his mind. He peeled me off and walked away.
"Zayn! Where are you going? Zayn!" I gasped for breath.
"Zayn don't leave me! Zayn! I love you, Zayn. Please don't walk away! Let me prove myself."
He didn't stop and walked along the road. I looked back thinking of the little souls cuddling under a blanket. I had to stay with them. I held the keys in my hands shivering with shock and cold. I couldn't leave the children. It was dangerous. Anything could happen. Before I could call him for a third time, I couldn't see him. He'd turned the corner and disappeared. He was gone. How could he leave me? How could he leave us? How would I return home? I didn't know where I was. I didn't know where to go. How would I drive the van? I was lost.
In the middle of nowhere, with no one to call and alone I had no one to blame but myself. Even my tears froze against my cheek. I waited, holding back, hoping, staring at the sky and praying.
"Please bring Zayn back. I'll break without him." My breath cold and cloudy my fingers freezing and now numb.

In the first golden orange hues of dawn, looking along the empty road; he wasn't coming back. Frozen. Cold. Numb. I couldn't cry.  Zayn left me and the children. Dad sent me to marry Zayn, protect the children and return  home. I'd completed the task. I was a good obedient daughter. Dad would have Zeenat's children and Zayn would be a distant memory. Zayn hated me. I'd lost his trust.
However, the duty of marriage with Zayn ransacked my soul; I was empty. I'd lost my soul for dad. It was over.

This was end of the road for me and Zayn.

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So guys what did you think of the chapter? Zayn finally opened up about the past and present.

Was he wrong to walk away?

Should he trust Zoh'ra?

What should Zoh'ra do now?
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Author's note:

Many of you asked, what is a pathan? Zayn is a pathan; Pathans are an ethnic group from Afghanistan and now many live in Pakistan in Peshawar. Pathans speak Pushto and are known as pushthoons or Pakhstuns. Historically, Pathans have been noted as fierce fighters, and throughout history they have offered strong resistance to invaders.