The Holt Conundrum

fourth august

It's August and Ben brings me to a party with his friends.

            It's at one of his friends' huge penthouse. He seems stressed out during the whole ride there. I don't really get it. It's not like we're boyfriends anyway.

I like Ben, I really really do, but I'm getting fed up with not admitting what this is. It's not because you don't call something what it is, that you're not doing it. For all intents and purposes, he's my boyfriend, so why is it so difficult for him to agree to it? And why do I need the confirmation so much?

When we get to the party, Ben introduces me to his friends. I've never met any of them. We've never gone out together. We always stay in. We have sex, we order food, we watch a TV show. He's never come to game night with my friends. He's never invited me to anything with his friends.

I know I should be taking this party as a big deal, but I'm just thinking took you long enough fam.

I always have this party fantasy, of making out in every corner of the room with my boyfriend and having everyone think we're cute and dancing together all night long, but this is not what happens.

Instead, I'm left alone most of the night, talking with people I don't really know.

Ben's friends are mostly old money people. They're stuck up but they also do blow on the glass table in the middle of the room.

I'm not in college anymore. I don't want this kind of life. I don't want this.

I don't want Ben to be talking with girls, his arm around their waist and joking with other people.

But once again, why would I be getting what I want?

Finally, Ben remembers that I'm here and he takes me to one of the rooms and out on its balcony.

"You having fun?" he asks me, his cheeks a little flush from the alcohol. I think he took something else too, not sure what though.

I shrug one shoulder. "Sure."

And then he pushed me against the railing and starts kissing me. "Let's do it on the balcony. Wouldn't it be exciting?" he says between two kisses.

I take him by the shoulders and keep him away. "No, no it wouldn't be Ben." He's frowning. He doesn't understand my mood. "Ben you've been ignoring me all evening long, you'll only introduce me as your friend. But you'll fuck me on the balcony? No thank you."

He runs a hand through his hair, tousling them. He looks hot doing it. I wonder if I would let him do half of the things he does if he wasn't this good looking. Being vain makes me so pathetic. "Look, there's just a couple of my exes here and I don't want to hurt them by saying I brought a guy here," he tells me.

Yeah, wrong answer dude. "But you did bring a guy," I remind him, huffing in annoyance, staring up at the dark night sky.  "You know what, I'll just go, stay with your friends. It's fine."

I don't even let him answer me and I just leave him there. When he'll sober up, we can talk again.

When I get home I head straight to my room.

Holt is sitting in the living room and when he sees me, he says, "Hey Eliah home sooo—woah."

I just rush past him. I can hear him following me. "Are you okay?"

I let myself fall on my bed, and then lie there and cover my eyes with my forearm. I don't want to talk to Holt, I don't want to think about my failing relationship with him beside me. "Yes, I'm fine."
And the bastard just lies down beside me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"What happened?" he presses. 

I sigh. "Nothing." I'm not exactly lying. Nothing literally happened. That's the problem. "Holt..." I turn my head to look at him while he's right there beside me, one arm behind his head, the other resting on his abdomen. 

He turns his head too. "What?" 

We look in each others eyes. I could kiss him right now. I could jump him. I could ravage him. He might try to stop me but I'd do it so right that he'd end up kissing me back. He'd finally realized that he's loved me all along and he's wanted me all along and we'd tear each other's clothes off and I could feel his naked skin against mine...

And I'm going fucking crazy. I'll never force myself on Holt. But I'll also never kiss Holt. And apparently I'll never be Ben's boyfriend either.

I turn away from him and close my eyes. "Nothing."