The Holt Conundrum

fifth june

               

It's June and Holt is absolutely impossible to sleep beside. Since he's figured out his feelings for me we've taken things slow. Reaaaaaaally slow. We haven't done anything more than kissing.

But since the first day he admitting his feelings, I didn't want him out of my sight, worried that he might change his mind, so that first night I had him come watch a movie in my bed on my computer. And then the next day another movie. And the other day I convinced him to come read the articles he needed to read for work in my bed too. So now we've sort of gotten into the habit of sleeping together. Nothing happens, not even a little hardy-weewee pressed against me as a good morning. We're little PG shits. The only thing that happens in bed is that Holt will hold my hand in his sleep, or rest it on my chest and he'll also hook his ankle to mine. It's like he always needs to have some slight form of physical contact to make sure I'm beside him.

I'm not complaining. I'm finding extreme contentment in simply having a sleeping Holt in my bed. If I'm being a hundred percent honest, I'm actually glad we're not doing anything. I've loved Holt for so long, and I never expected to ever have him liking me back that I'm still freaking out. I'm scared. I'm really scared that Holt is going to change his mind, or that things aren't going to work out. Things are good now, so I don't want to put anything in jeopardy.

We need to accustom ourselves with each other in a boyfriend context. We know how to act around each other as friends, but it's a totally different thing now. So there's nothing pressing.

Plus I have no idea how I'll not combust when I finally do get to press my naked skin against his. Just thinking about it makes me break in sweat.

But, here's the thing about sleeping with Holt. He's always fussing and turning and he's a nightmare. I love him but I don't think I can sleep with him, at least not tonight because I need to get up super early for a meeting tomorrow and I want to be rested.

So when Holt makes his way to my room that evening I say, "Holt, can you please go sleep in your bed tonight."

His shoulders sort of slump. "Oh... sorry."

I feel like I kicked a puppy. "Don't make that face, I love having you in my bed but you're a fusser and I can't fall asleep with you bouncing up and down all the time. I need to wake up early tomorrow. Just for tonight. You can keep me up tomorrow."

"I'm really sorry," he says, still looking like a hurt little bean.

I'm smiling at him, and feeling like an asshole. "Don't be, it's okay. I'll get used to it. Never thought you moved around that much before."

He shrugs one shoulder. "I don't really..."

"Holt."

"I just..." he sighs. "I can't get comfortable."

"Do I make you uncomfortable?"

He starts rambling. "No. I mean yes. Well, no, but yes a little. But no, that's not the problem."

I chuckle. "Holt. Your words."

"Well, for one thing, I don't usually wear ten layers of clothes, and it's like I'm in a cotton prison, but that's not really the problem. I'm not a good sleeper, so I always listen to ASMR videos before going to sleep. They calm me down."

I'm smiling, shaking my head a bit. It should be illegal to be this adorable. "Alright, there's a lot to talk about, but let's go with the clothing part first. Just wear what you normally wear."

"I just wear boxers."

"Well, perfect." Just thinking about Holt not wearing a hoodie and sweatpants and wool socks beside me in bed makes me feel all giddy. I'll get to look at his moles.

"But... you wear sweatpants and a tank top and I shouldn't be in boxers beside you in bed if I'm not letting you do anything. Look, I'm sorry I said anything."

Yeah, baby's got layers. It's really silly, the reason why I dress more to sleep. It's because if there was ever a fire in the apartment or someone came to rob the house, I don't want to be caught naked. It's a really stupid way to think, but hey, who am I to argue with my crazy brain?

"Holt, we seriously need to work on your rude skills. Stop apologizing for things you have no reason to apologize for. Just wear what you would normally wear. And just because you're in bed with me doesn't mean you need to do anything. It's not because you're sleeping beside me that I have a free pass at your body."

"But, won't I be kind of a tease?"

Gosh, I should really get out of bed and go hug him right now. "Smooches, there's no situation, with or without clothes where you're not a tease for me. I'm quite used to it. And don't you fucking dare apologize about it. You being blissfully ignorant about so many things is too adorable and don't you dare ever stop."

He's smiling a little now. That's right. "Alright Boo..."

"What about that ASMR thing, that's the whispering, lightly tapping on microphones videos right?"

"Yeah..." he nods a little.

"They calm you down?"

"Yeah." He starts looking uncomfortable again.

I frown just a little. "Well, then just watch them."

"Well, the thing is... I used to watch only like youtube people but..." He sighs. He can't look in my eyes. "Okay don't be mad."

What? Is he going to tell me he needs to watch an excessive amount of porn now? "What? You found yourself a callgirl with a nice whispering voice that you talk with every night?"

"No... I've actually been listening to your documentaries."

I blink very slowly. "Say what?"

"I listen to your documentaries and they calm me down and I can sleep better," he blurts.

"My voice calms you down?"

"Yes."

I can't help the next question. "How long have you been listening to my voice to fall asleep?"

"I don't now..." he shrugs a shoulder, "a year maybe?"

I'm covering my mouth with my hand and I can't believe him. I can't believe it. How in the world was I not notified of this earlier? I never would have had to waste more than a year of my life on Ben.

I laugh a little shaking my head, smiling at him. "What am I going to do with you Holt?"

I guess my smiling face gives him confidence because he finally looks up at me, biting his lip and with a little smile, asks, "Let me sleep with you tonight?

I should say no. I still need to wake up in the morning, and it won't mean that admitting any of this will make him fuss less. But he looks so hopeful that there's no way in hell I could ever say no to him. "Get in."