Finding myself

Chapter 50

My grandmother was nothing like I remembered.

She lay so still, as if she was already gone. Transparent tubes were wrapped around her.

Through her nose, connected to her wrist and other places.

It was unsightly. Painful. I couldn't remember the last time I felt like this for a family member. Yet she was living proof of someone who didn't hurt me. Unlike Amelia who was always afraid, grandma always stood up for me. I remember her standing up for me in front of dad. She even got almost killed by me, when she ran out to save me from my aunt- her evil daughter and got an asthma attack.

Werewolves immune systems fall after a while. She was a beautiful and capable luna once.

Now, I could hardly see the woman I called grandma in the woman who lay before me. Her wrinkles were deeper and saggier. She was thin and frail. Her hair was now pure white from the grey it used to be.

It is all because of dad. Because of the stress, she went through. I didn't want this woman to die. She was the only person worth saving in this godforsaken werewolf species. And how ironic it was that it was her that was dying.

I help my breath as he swollen eyes fluttered open.

She took a deep breath and my mom held her hand.

"Mom..." she called out.

"Zara is here mom."

That seemed to give new energy to my grandma, she tried to move. But soon stopped.

Slowly her eyes settled on me. And her mouth formed a toothless yet sweet and innocent smile. She extended a bony hand towards me.

Now I could see the resemblance. That smile...

This is indeed my grandma.

And that realization... made me want to run away and never face her again.

"Z-Z-Zara" she called out.

Tears ran down her cheeks and she did that slow wheezing slash laughing thing that old people do.

Why couldn't she have just died earlier and not let me see this? It would have been easier.

I realized what I was thinking and felt the heat on my face. No, I didn't want her to die.

I knew my wolf was accessing my memories to see why the old lady gave me so much emotional turmoil.

"Zara," my dad's voice broke me out of the reverie. My grandmother still had that hopeful smile on her face with her arm extended towards me. Her eyes fighting to stay awake. She was fighting death. Fighting falling into that trap. Fighting it for me.

My dad and mom looked at me with anticipation as to how I will react.

"You need to be heartless, are you strong enough for this?"

Sam's voice ran out in my mind.

"I am not asking an easy task, Zara. You need to be cruel, you need to be vindictive, you need to be forward-looking and understand that this is for the common good. A much better civilization will take its place. But we will need to get our hands dirty first. We will have to make a big sacrifice first. I am asking you to kill your entire pack. The entire werewolf species, can you do it?"

The anger simmering inside me made me answer.

"Yes," I said without hesitation.

"You need to think through this again sweetheart."

I clenched my fist.

"I am not just asking you to kill one or two people in the werewolf community who you may personally have a grudge against. I am asking you to kill an entire species. With innocents, children and all. Once you give me your word, I would take you up for it. There will be no going back. You will have to follow through it with me. I will give you one week to think about this."

I wanted to be regarded strong by him and everyone else. No matter at what price. Maybe it was just my hatred towards them or my anger at him underestimating me that forced me to say

"Not everyone is innocent in this world Sam. If they are, they either die an early death or they stay long enough to become a monster. The more innocent they were, the more heartless they become." I sneer.

"As for the children, if they grow up to become the werewolves, why would it matter whether they were children once or not. At the end, they are all the same. The are all primal werewolves no matter how you look at it. It wouldn't make a difference whether I kill them when they are children or when they are grown up."

Sam had looked at me so fondly at my answer. And that had encouraged me to say yes, not only on that day. But even a week after 'thinking about it,' as he wanted and even weeks after that.

I told myself I wanted this yesterday, I told myself I wanted it today, I told myself I wanted this until a moment before.

So, why wasn't I so sure anymore?

My grandmother's hand didn't lower from its position even after the prolonged period of staying up. I knew she badly wanted to. I knew she was fighting it. I knew she wanted to give up and rest. I knew she wanted to sleep and never open her eyes again. I knew it would happen if she just let go.

So why wasn't she? Because she was still fighting for me? Like she did when I left. She fought my dad then. She is fighting my death now.

She is the most capable luna ever. Period.

I could have stayed and made her happy. I could have shaken her hand or at least smiled for her hopeful eyes. I could have done anything but run away. Yet I was cowardly. And I ran. Because she confused me.

There was strength in her. A strength I couldn't match. That I was yet to master. I didn't know what it was. And more than scaring me as usual, it confused me.

I know I said that no one stays alive if they are innocent for too long. Yet, why was she still...

Maybe what Nova said is true, maybe strength is changing minimally to the requirement and staying true to yourself.

I hated it, hated that she was right. But my grandma was living proof of it.

But... what does that make me?

Hey Lovelies, so what do you think?

Zara is really confused now. This is a milestone for her. Who knows, maybe she will change after this. 

Tell me what you think. I know you want me to write longer chapters. But with my uni work, this is all I can do. I am sorry.

You know the drill- comment, vote and follow.

Some of you have been confused about the absence of memes. Well, as you know that was Lexi's job. So you will have to wait until Zara activates her again.

It will start flowing again once Lexi is back. That and also after I get a good meme database again. I bought a new laptop and I lost all my memes with the other one. Hehe. 😜 

Anyways, I will see you on Friday.

Bye lovelies.