More Than A Miracle

1. Empty promises

Akshita

I have always believed in second chances. A person gets a second chance at something at least once in his life. I was given a second chance at life itself. When I was born, I was declared a stillborn but after a few seconds, the doctors resuscitated me. It was my second chance at life but I didn't do justice to it. I should have used this chance wisely and should have proved my worth to everyone, to my parents even though I shouldn't be required to prove my worth. My biggest failure in life is that I couldn't make myself worthy for my parents because there has never been a day that they showed any sort of respect or love to me. 

I was never the child my parents wanted to have because I am not a boy. I have been continuously told since childhood that I am the biggest disappointment of my parent's life. My parents always wanted a male child. Even in this modern era, where girls can do anything, my parents didn't find me worthy of their love, support and respect. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be the child they wanted. My birth brought complications to my mother because of which she couldn't conceive again and I was subjected to all the hatred and loathing from them.

I have known these things since childhood, they hated me so much that they couldn't keep these things to themselves. I was told about these things repeatedly. I have always been undesirable - undesirable to my parents, to friends, to family, to everyone around me.

I still remember every intricate detail of the day my parents told me for the first time that I was a kid that made them feel ashamed because I am a girl. The day it all began, the day I realised how undesirable and unloved I am. I was just ten years old and I had accidentally broken a very expensive showpiece of my mother. When my parents saw it, they hurled abuses at me, called me things a ten-year-old should never have to listen to. It was not like I never noticed before that how indifferent they were to me but after that day, everything was crystal clear.

What are the most important things in life? Family, friends, love?

I don't have any of these. I am a disgrace for my family, I have zero friends and I don't even know what love is. So what do I have? I have a pity story wherein I have not seen a single happy day in my life.

I liked to consider myself a strong woman, a very strong one. Although some people might disagree because I behaved like a mute and frightened lamb in front of people, especially my parents. I am afraid of my parents, very much so. I have always been, since the age, I knew what fear was, they have instilled it in me badly.

As I was growing up, I realised that my parents' aim in life was to see me suffer. So much so, that now they were going to marry me off to a guy who could make my life as miserable as they did or maybe worse than they did. This was the only way they would have the peace they desired for themselves in life. I had stopped pitying myself a long time ago. I was prepared for everything bad that could happen. Nothing could be as bad as living with my parents because for me it had been the worst experience of my life.

I would be lying if I said that I never cried because of their indifference. I did, so many times that I forgot the count but not in their presence. I couldn't give them the satisfaction that they broke me, never have and never will. They should always think of me as stubborn.

There will never be anyone who could make me break down my walls. No one would ever be able to make me lay down my emotions openly. No one would ever be that special because living with my parents for the past 23 years of my life, I have learnt one thing, that people are extremely selfish and evil and there is no such thing as trust in this world.

I remember that as a child I always had this dream of having a happy family and a loving husband. I was a foolish little girl who was dreaming too big. My younger self was trying to be optimistic about life but my older self has seen so much disappointment that it isn't sure anymore if love even exists.