It All Started In Rehab ✓

[Chapter Fifty-Eight] The Final Entry

NO THIS IS NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER. It's the chapter when she reads the last part of his journal! Two more chapters and a bonus one in Lacey's Pov

Chapter Fifty-Eight – The Final Entry
Bailey's Pov

As the days went from seven to six to five to four I was absolutely freaking out almost to the point of making myself sick because the knots that seemed to be forming in my stomach, they almost called Julian to come in but Kylie came and talked to me, she was right, I needed to calm down and be able to do this without him.

But that was kind of stupid since I was there helping him through it when he left and had a hard time with it but I knew it balanced, he was going on his own and I was going to him.

I was just so worried that I would fail and I would hurt everyone around me when I did. I didn't want to bring Julian down, I didn't want my brother to hate me again, I wanted to be a good Aunt to this baby and I wanted to be a good sister to Kenna.

I wanted to meet Julian's family and I wanted them to like me and I wanted my parents to stay the hell away from me and not give them the satisfaction of seeing me relapse.

It seemed so easy, just remember all that and don't do drugs, but it wasn't that easy.

I still will crave them because of my choices, my whole life will be a fight and what if I just get tired of fighting, what if I don't want to try anymore, what if I just want to give in?

Then you lose everything.

Stupid voice in my head.

I would lose everything, I would lose not just the people in my life, I would lose myself again and become the girl who let everyone walk all over her because she was too afraid and insecure to stand up for herself. I would be weak again and I didn't want to be weak, the only way to prove I was strong would be to stay clean.

I put my hands over my face and screamed in frustration.

I was so fucking tired of this! I was tired of going back and forth and thinking the same damn things and having the same damn problems, I've had this conversation like fifty thousand times and it was annoying the hell out of me, why can't my emotions just settle on one place.

Preferably positive but if it was negative I could work with that too, I just wanted to know what I was feeling, to be able to place them and know where I stand so maybe it would be easier when I left in three days now. I just wanted to be happy and I wanted life to be easy.

For once in my life I just wanted things to be easy, just for a little bit.

I got up and went to my appointment with Robert, maybe he could help me figure something out.

"Hey Bailey." He said when I opened the door

"Hey." I sat down

"How are you feeling today?" he asked

"I don't know. I'm happy and excited but worried and afraid and I want to leave but I don't want to leave. I feel weak but I think I may be strong and I want a better life but I don't want it to be hard, I just want to give up and stop fighting but I know I can't. I just want things to be better, I want to know what I'm feeling and I just want it all to stop!" I spilled out and he just nodded as he listened.

"Everything you're feeling is normal Bailey, you don't know what it's going to be like so it's okay to be confused and it's okay to have conflicting emotions. It will be hard and you know that, which is good."

"My brother will be here in two months." I said

"Are you excited?" he asked and I smiled and nodded