minnow // sirius black

fifteen

15 :  sicker

I had three less bobby-pins in my baggie by September first. I still wanted to bring some with me.

I had quietly snuck onto the back porch the night before we left, knowing that she'd be completely alone, and sat next to Mum. She turned her head towards me, raising an eyebrow when she saw the stupid smile on my face.

"I'm dying," I had said, still smiling. "We both know it. I likely won't make it to the New Year."

"That's what Arlo said," Mum said, nodding. "Why are you grinning?"

"I don't have a lot of time, you know?" Mum nodded slowly. "I love him, Mum."

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, Sirius. I love him so much," I looked at her. She smiled just the littlest bit. "It's not just... teenage stuff. It's not just two sixteen year old people who find each other cute."

"Okay?"

"If I tell you something, well, multiple things, will you promise not to freak out? Will you promise not to tell anyone what I told you, or that I told you?"

She nodded, slowly, then a bit more firmly. She extended her pinky.

"James, Sirius, and I became animagi for Remus, last year."

"I knew that," Mum snorted. I raised my eyebrows, shocked. "You may be amazing at keeping your stuff organized, but when James leaves for Hogwarts, I have to pick up his letters. I don't usually read them, but there was a letter from you, which was odd. It was one line, and it said your animagus was a white wolf-dog. Quite proud of you lot, though I wish you hadn't done it illegally. Can I ask what James' is?"

"Well," I said, drawing it out. "It is. A rather large, snow white, wolf-dog. James is a massive stag."

"Why'd you tell me?" She asked, fully turning in her seat, including her legs. She was fully facing me, as I stared out at the night sky.

"Because," I paused, thinking. "You know that an animagus is the embodiment of someone's soul. It is, just like your Patronus, your spirit animal."

"Yeah," Mum nodded. "It's the animal form of your soul, your spirit. It's the animal your soul most closely recognizes."

"Sirius' animagus is a black wolf-dog," I said, looking at her. Her eyebrows shot up, and her face pulled up into a smile. "He's quite a bit larger than I am, but it's so strange. I don't know about him, I assume he feels the same, but when we're wolf-dogs, there's this... pull, to one another. We could be running in the forest with Remus, or just together, and I know exactly where he is in relation to myself. When we sit beside each other in a clearing, as dogs, I forget that I'm sick. I sort of forget that I'm human. There's this... level, of connection that I can't comprehend. When he's next to me, and we're in our animagus form, I feel at home. I feel so safe, so complete. I feel as though I would never need anything, as though I could never be harmed."

I stopped for a moment, glancing at her as she wiped at her face. I smiled softly.

"I love him so much, Mum. I don't want to leave him. I don't think I could handle him leaving me like that, and it tears my heart in pieces to think of leaving him like that."

"So, what's the other thing?" She said, her voice a bit gravely.

"I'm down three bobby-pins," I half grumbled, half whispered, looking at my hands.

She started laughing, and I furrowed my brows, looking at her.

"Three?"

"What does that mean?" I said, straightening just the littlest bit and shaking my head in confusion.