Lovers in Tokyo | taegi

3

3. MATTERS OF THE HEART

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So Yoongi had gone on to Juilliard, lost himself in New York City only to find his own self again in Tokyo.

Here's a thing Yoongi soon found in his days in Juilliard school: a broken heart made for some pretty powerful music.

He would spend days after days just unfolding his thoughts and memories and feelings, one by one, like a crumpled paper smoothing out, faded ink and scrawled handwriting, soft kisses and warm home-cooked meals and low husky laughter. He'd try out melodies, harsh staccatos and lilting keys, takes them one by one, sifts them into the songs, lets the melody wrap itself around his memories until Yoongi can't tell which is which.

But even so - even as Yoongi excelled at his studies and soon becomes the talk of Juilliard's program, he still never quite feels like he belongs. He tries to remind himself that he's here, in his dream school that he worked his ass off for; that his childhood dream ever since his grandma had let him play on her piano had blossomed and coloured itself in and it's here, it's taking shape in front of him like an oasis in the desert.

But still he feels lost.

Not sad, really - just lost, like a boat unmoored. Like something's not slipping in place the way it should, the ground not really steady, and he's always missing a step whenever he tries to keep moving forward.

It just feels small, he thinks. He just feels compressed, almost like he's folded himself in too tight, too fast; crumpled into himself too quick after his relationship had burned out as if to protect himself from inevitable hurt.

As if by doing so, he could blink the year and a half spent loving Taehyung out of existence.

But try as he may, the hurt lingers behind his heart, pulls slow at his lungs when he doesn't expect it most.

Sometimes Yoongi would look at things and they'd remind him of what he used to have, would fill his chest with a sharp pang of wistful longing, things like a pair of home slippers and how Taehyung had insisted on having matching ones so they wouldn't dirty their apartment and Yoongi would feel a quiet warmth blossom across his chest when he comes home after a long day and sees his blue pair waiting to be slipped on, waiting for him like Taehyung does.

Or like how he'd came across an old camera in an antique store tucked in the corner on the Fifth, and he nearly had to look away because he'd boxed up all their Polaroids and pictures, the ones Taehyung always love to take because his ex-boyfriend was big on documenting moments he doesn't want to miss and I never want to forget you, Yoongi-ah, you are the one thing I would never want to miss out on.

(But things do not just fade the way Yoongi wished them to.

Matters of the heart do not disappear simply because you disregard them; they catch at your seams, unravel you apart inch by inch until you are brave enough to face them.)

So on a particularly cold night in January, only a few months after Yoongi landed in New York, he breaks.

It was supposed to be his and Taehyung's second anniversary, and it had been fine so far, the day passing by in a blur of fleeting aches and bearable sadness until he saw Taehyung on social media, in a picture, with his hand entwined with someone new.

And it hits Yoongi out of nowhere, and for some reason this blindsided him, red hot streaks zipping up and down his veins, a bit like being slapped in the face.

It's not that Yoongi had expected Taehyung to forgive him so fast, but he realized that somewhere in his mind he'd had this thought that maybe...maybe Taehyung would wait. Stupid as it sounds. That maybe Taehyung would keep a small part of his heart open for Yoongi to step back into when the timing is right again.

So Yoongi breaks, and it wasn't quiet anymore then, it was sobbing and messy screaming and the pressing sadness that he had packed up and pressed and folded into a small tiny piece like you would an origami, that he had forcefully folded and melded into his rib cages until it melts into his every heartbeat, had poured loose all of a sudden; and now everything was too much, too much, and the city is too big and people too unfriendly and god, he misses home, he misses Taehyung, and Yoongi slides down the kitchen counter until he's crouching on the floor and he barely manages to get into his bed before the tears start to fall.

That night he cries until he couldn't anymore.

And then, drained and tired, Yoongi lies down on his bed, lets the moonlight streaming into his room cast shadow plays across his face.

Gently, wordlessly, he rolls over to his side, presses his forehead against a spare pillow. He closes his eyes, lets himself imagine it to be Taehyung's curved back he's resting his head on, lets himself pretend Taehyung was lying next to him like he used to before. Something like a numbing ache hangs low in his chest, his eyes puffy, nose stinging with tears, and Yoongi curls his legs up, blinking slow and sleepy;

go to sleep, yoongi hyung, i'll be right here with you i promise

Yoongi shudders as he imagines Taehyung's voice, gentle like daybreak and soft cotton, and Yoongi breathes into the space between the pillows, a soft shaky whimper sounding from the back of his throat;

it's okay, close your eyes

until at last he starts to drift off, almost fooling himself that Taehyung's actually there, that Taehyung's still by his side with his kind eyes and honey-sweet smile, warm and safe and still his to hold, almost fools himself that it's Taehyung whispering these words as Yoongi finally tumbles off the edge into the waiting hands of sleep;

close your eyes, hyung, i'll chase away the monsters for you.

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i was too excited to wait until next saturday, and this is a story i'm actually looking forward to writing; yoongi is a fascinating character to write and i can't wait to show you why they broke up, i have it all planned out! :")

i hope you liked it, let me know what you think of it! and i'd like to thank you again and again for taking the time to read or vote or comment; it might not seem much to you, but it means a whole lot to me and makes me incredibly happy and god i appreciate you so, so much. ❤️