Inside Her Head S1

Entry #71 (12/16/18) For DC

12-16-18

Dear Crush,

I don't really want to tell you this, but I think you should know. I no longer have a crush on you. Maybe I never did. Maybe I just liked the thought of you, and not really you. Maybe in order to protect my heart, I placed you in there as a shield. I convinced myself I liked you, and used that as a reason so I won't fall for someone else.

Or maybe I did like you. The old you. Maybe it was the memory of you that I liked. The times when we were bickering. The times when I'd laugh at something you've said. The memory of holding your hands. The foolish memory of you smiling at me, saying "gwapa bitaw ka gonser."

Time stopped for me, but you already moved forward. You can no longer recall those days. I was not important enough for you to keep in your memory lane. But you, you have always been kept in mine.

As time keeps on ticking, I've managed to take a few steps onward. I've realized that the things I made a big deal of, aren't really that important. I've realized that I really don't know who you are. And how can I like someone I do not know?

If back then you used me to hide your feelings for Rachiel, these past few years I've used you to block my feelings for others. You've helped on making my feelings for Joel fade away. I made you an excuse so I could turn off a guy. You helped me save my friendship with a close friend. Before I had made my confession letter for you, I already made a confession message for a close friend. I couldn't imagine how it would have been, if I had confessed to him instead of you. But you helped me realize that what I was feeling for him was brotherly love. If I had confessed to him first, it would have ruined our friendship like it ruined ours. And I couldn't stand being awkward with someone I'd see often. Then at work, when people are bothering me and teasing me to a fellow workmate, I'd use my crush on you as an excuse. And when a guy would say things that are similar to what you've said, I'll be reminded that he is just fooling around like you. I'd wonder, "Do all men read the same textbooks?" The way you flirt are all the same. Even the words you use are similar. And I have to thank you for the heads up.

Besides being my shield, I've gained a lot of insights from you. Like the latest news, words of wisdom, a little bit of geography and politics. Though you political views are different with mine. Yes, I view your profile once in a while. It has become a habit that is difficult to stop. Most of the times I find it really boring. But I also learn from some pages that you share on your wall.

The thing I liked the most from what you had said was about how people have different timelines. I guess it will be stuck forever in my head. And that post you shared about waiting. I can wait. Not for you, but for the guy the God has prepared for me. I can wait. For the time when I am ready to take the risk and fall. I have been waiting for more than 5 years now. I can wait for a few more.

Whoever he is... I will wait for him.

Until then, I will keep on distracting myself with something else. It's about time I let the thought of you go.

Thank you for being my temporary distraction.

Truly yours,
Krizia

PS: I did not send this to him 😅