• TOMMY SHELBY IMAGINES •

lovely/lonely

Lovely

"To coexist, and be each other's lifetime partners." Grinning helplessly, Thomas holds my hands as we stand under the tall and mighty tree.

I recall the times we used to share under this very tree. Thomas and I running up it to share sweet innocent kisses. Or when he would meet me up here in the middle of the night.

And now, as he smiles so beautifully at me, do I imagine the life we'll share going forward. Lifetime partners, the words fill me with excitement. "That's what I want."

I can feel the cold on his fingertips against skin. I stare up into those baby blues, the same set of eyes I've expressed everything to. From shedding my secrets, to laughing until we were both in tears. Classmates turned into lovers.

I nod, burning to wrap my arms around his body. "I want nothing but the same Tommy."

"Do you want this?"

"Marriage. With you?" I scrunch up my face, as if to ponder the idea. "Hmmmm."

He nods, blushing.

"Yes. I want to be your missus. I want to be with you forever and ever." Snaking my arms around him, Tommy takes it upon himself to wrap his arms around my waist, he lift me. Twirling me around, getting a laugh out of me.

"What happens when we're old and boring?" He smirks. "You goin' to leave me for the young chap who comes your way."

"Never!" I exclaim, pressing my hand over his cheek. "You're my everything. My home, my safe haven, my bliss." I whisper each word. "My. Everything."

He has his hand in my hair, listening to my word. "You'll love me like this till the day you die?"

"Thomas, I promise, I'll love you like this till the day I die."

"Wow." He laughs, giving me a quick peck. "I'm the luckiest lad."

I break into giggles, shaking my head. "And you!" I lightly smack his cheek. "How will I know you'll love me till the day you fuckin' die!"

He gets carried away in my eyes before pulling back and frowning. "You have my heart." He whispers, "You have my heart."

Moments like that I wonder if I've died and went to heaven. Little things like that that really just mean the absolutely fucking world to me. Talk about making me feel like my entire body might just combust, "Jesus, Shelby you're quite the-"

He stops me by pressing his lips against mine, and thats when we saw the fighter jets soar over our heads. I had no idea as I stared into my lovers eyes that in a years time, I would lose everything.

Lonely

I stand with my head bowed as the small rock that has been built into a beautiful tomb reads his name. But I know, like any Gypsy, he was not buried like the conventional Brit. But rather, burned in a beautiful contraption, set on fire with all of his treasured items.

I recall going to Tom's mums funeral, it was a show. An outstanding show, one that made me really thankful to be immersed in a such a culture. For Uncle James, all we had was a day at church where dad drank too much wine and cried in mums arms. For Tom's mother, we watched her go up in these beautiful orangey-red flames.

I missed the funeral, a result of missing the train to Small Heath. Wish I didn't. I wish I could be there to celebrate the life John lived.

I swallow, feeling another trail of tears roll down my face. I can't really help myself as I sob, he was far too young. And when I received the news, I wasn't in the right climate to sob, so I held it all in.

Putting down my flowers, I rub my nose with a soiled tissue and look up to the horizon.

"You showed up a day too late." He says, his voice is far but manages to pierce through my heart.

I spin around and see Thomas standing there, but he doesn't look at all like how I'd recalled. No, Thomas looks extremely aged and tired. I swallow, trying to bring myself to speak. But I cannot.

"Thomas-" Tom. "-I, I'm so sorry for you loss."

He gives me a side smile, damn. "Your loss too. John was always fond of you. You were like his second mum"

My heart flutters. And its a feeling I missed tremendously. I take a step towards him, but he retracts.  He clears his throat, his eyes wandering off. "The Mafia is after us, you should go back to-"

No. No. No. No. "Is that why he's dead? Because of-"

"He got shot by one of them, yes." He takes the cigarette from between his fingers and takes a lengthy drag out of it. Thomas wasn't fond of smoking when we were lovers. He wasn't fond of a lot of things as he is now.

He frowns. "Christ, will you stop looking at me like I got him killed?"

"You did." I cross my hands over my chest, reliving the moments I pleaded with him after the war to not continue with this stupid gang. For goodness sake, John was nothing but a boy who was looking up to his big tough older brothers. How on Earth could Tommy have not assumed this would happen. And if not to Tom himself then one of his brothers. I loved that family, and I saw the way in which things were steering completely left. I had to leave, Thomas wasn't listening.

He rolls his eyes, maintaining his innocence. "He could have died behind the wheel of a car and you'd still blame me for his death."

"Yes I would, but only because you were the one who taught him how to drive!" I laugh, staring at him as if he's a stranger. And in some ways, I guess he has become quite estranged. All jokes aside, Thomas is ultimately the one who should be blamed for John's death. And I will never deny that.

Still, I get a smile out of him, Thomas makes me somehow relive all of these feelings I kept hidden for so long. I open my mouth, pressing my hand to my stomach, trying to get rid of the butterflies. "Tommy-"

"I need you to leave." He tells me. Strained. Hurt.

What have I done to you?

"Maybe if we just sit and talk." I know exactly what I've done to him. It's exactly what I'm doing to him. Opening up these wounds he's learned to allow to heal. He's right, I need to leave, before I am saying goodbye to my heart all over again.

"Do you know how much this hurts?!" He spits, and as he yells at me openly do I realize that we're in a graveyard.

I take an irresponsible step towards him. "Please." I just want to hold you.

He takes a step back, more than enough to tell me enough. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. It's too late.

"I'm walking away." He chokes, sniffling. "Go home, it'll rain or get dark soon."

"This is my home." You are my home. I whisper before blinking away a tear. "Tommy."

"You left me." He grits his teeth. He points right at me, wounding me. "You. Left me."

"I-" He's right. Again. He's fucking right. "I'm sorry." 

Another tear rolls down my cheek as he sniffles, this time a tear falls from his eyes. "Please." He looks ill, and that fact that I am the one to do this to him, hurts me even more.

"Ok." I whisper, putting my hands up defensively. "Ok. I'll go."