Short Stories | Sean x Kaycee

Eight Letters

Angst.
(please don't kill me)

*********

S: i miss you, kayc.

I could feel my heart change its pace as I read those four words, my breathing slowing as a smile tug on my lips. He has always been good with words, and even with just this simple ones, my heart jumped as it recognizes what it always wanted, what it always craved.

My thumbs fidget as I contemplate what to reply. Unlike him, I am bad with words, bad at every medium there is to convey my emotions,  except for dancing. And even if I do try to express and show everything that is on my mind and heart, the ugly monster named Fear within me rears its ugly head and roars, consuming me, paralyzing me, and the courage I have been building shrinks back. And my usual smiles and giggles appear in autopilot.

I redirect my attention back to his message, and just because I am not in his presence that would always affect my nerves, I took the little courage I have as I type.

K: I miss you, too, Sean.

Last year, he had been away for months, teaching almost around the world. Yes I missed him, but not the way I miss him now. We’ve spent almost waking moment together when he got back, and even if we aren’t, he would always call and Facetime me just to know what I’m doing. Going online at the same time and sharing posts were our thing, and it feels like he was just beside me, laughing crazily with the million inside jokes that we share.

But now, his absence left a void within me. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and as serious as it sounds, my other half. So when he left again to teach overseas, it felt like he carried half of my heart with him.

Because unknown to our friends, to our fans, and to him — I am utterly, irrevocably in love with Sean Lew.

Yes, my friends tease, our fans even suspect, that I grew feelings for him overtime last year after World of Dance with the way I grew comfortable with him. But that’s where they’re wrong.

I didn’t know exactly when — maybe it was one of the times he gently held me against him, or when he said his soft, sleepy sweet dreams through the phone one night. Or maybe it was when I thought he was going to kiss me as he set me down carefully after a failed lift. Maybe it was just the way he softly gazes at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I don’t know.

I just knew, that if ever I would decide to open my heart to someone, to tell those eight letters to, it would be him.

I didn’t realize I typed those words in the midst of my reverie, and I drew a shaky breath as I read it.

I love you.

If only I could get away from the monster inside of me, then I would have told him that a long time ago.

But it roared again, and I took a deep breath as I clicked the backspace in sorrow.

*****

Our reunion was sweet; it always has been. I was met with raised eyebrows, knowing looks and silent teases by friends and family. Sean and I had always used the generic “we’re friends” answer every time that it had probably lost its meaning. My other best friends were convinced that we we’re already trolling them and that Sean and I had made it official a long time ago.