Filthy Little Secret - Draco x reader

15 - Filthy little secret

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up. Both Hermione and Ginny are looking down at me with worry written on their faces. It does not help my emotional state. They sit next to me and hold me for a while. I feel like such a burden to them, all I do is cry about stupid Malfoy. It's been only 2 weeks since the date fiasco.

I hand them the letter and they read it. Ginny is completely confused, since she doesn't know about me and Draco yet.

"Can I tell her?" Hermione asks carefully and I nod. She quickly explains the situation to Ginny, who is slightly shocked and they read the letter again.

"So he does care", Hermione says after a while. I shrug. I've calmed down a bit by now.

"Y/N, I need to ask one thing", Ginny says. "How strong are your feelings for him?"

"I don't know Ginny. I just... care", I say.

"Y/N, I'm going to be real with you", Hermione says and stands up, forcing me to face her.

"I know you like him a lot and this does prove that he likes you too, but that doesn't change the situation. He's most likely never going to go against his parents and you can't let him use you like that. You have to make sure that you make it clear that he can't play you. You don't deserve that."

I look down. I know she's right. Even though I really want it, I know that it's probably never going to result into anything and I can't let him keep that control over me.

"Hermione is right, you have to tell him that's it's either one opposite or the other. You can't let him lead you on."

I rub my face and sigh.

"I don't want to lose him", I say and pull my legs up to my chest. That's one of the most crucial reasons to why I'm having such a hard time with this. I didn't just fancy him, he was my friend. I told him so much about my life, and he did the same. I could confide in him. He has a very different point of view than my other friends.

"Besides, if you cut him off completely, he might realise what he has lost and choose the one opposite anyway. It worked this time", Ginny says.

I nod, stand up and walk back towards the house, feeling defeated.

It didn't take long before the end of the holidays rolled around. It was now Sunday afternoon and we were all saying goodbye's at Platform 9 ¾. I thank the Weasleys one last time and jump on the train.

The last couple of days were fun, but my mood did drop a little ever since Draco's letter. I'm worried about what's to come and I don't trust myself around him. I can't think straight when he's close to me.

"Okay, Y/N, I've been reading this book about magic in America and I have a couple of questions", Hermione says as she sits in front of me. Harry and Ron are sitting next to us.

"Go ahead", I say.

"Well, the sorting ceremony is a lot different right? I read that you have to stand in the middle of 4 statues that represent each house and that the statue chooses whether they want you or not. Who did you get?" she asks.

I can still remember the sorting ceremony. I was so nervous that no one would want me.

"The Horned Serpent and the Thunderbird wanted me, but I decided to go for The Horned Serpents", I say.

"Horned Serpents? Is that like Slytherin?" Ron asks and I laugh.

"No. The Horned Serpent represents the mind of a wizard, the Thunderbird the soul, Pukwudgie the heart and Wampus the body", I say.

"The Horned Serpent just felt right to me in that moment." I can still remember the smell of wood and dust and fresh air. Red drapes and wooden furniture. It really is a great school

"What I don't get, is that the school is very democratic, allowing everyone to get in, the founder being married to a muggle, but America is so strict when it comes to magical creatures and relationships with muggles", she says, clearly fascinated.

"Well, not everyone agrees with MACUSA. They are very strict, but it has gotten better over the years. Ilvermorny is a very democratic school, which is why they often have disagreements with MACUSA. I never had Care for Magical Creatures though. Some wrong purebloods were in charge of the ministry once, which made it the way it is."

"Okay, and about your wand. I read that you have to leave them at school during breaks until you're 17, why is that and how did you get your wand when you were leaving?"

"It's to prevent under-age magic. I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. And they sent my wand to Dumbledore when I ended my year. He gave it to me at the beginning of the semester", I say.

She goes on a while longer about American wizardry, until Ron stops her, who was getting quite annoyed. I spent the rest of the ride staring out of the window, thinking about Ilvermorny and how I missed that school.

When we arrive at Hogwarts I greet Cho and Luna and go straight to bed. It has been an emotional week and I just want to let go of everything.

But that's not how he has planned it. A little before 11 PM, a black owl taps his beak on the window. Half sleeping I open the window and let it in. It holds a tiny little note.

Meet me at the Astronomy Tower at 11.

- D

I look on my watch. It was five minutes to 11. I shouldn't go, I really shouldn't, but before I realise what's going on I have put on my slippers and head outside. I sneak past the few kids that are still up and into the hallway. I quickly make my way to the tower. I really should't do this. I can still go back, standing him up. It would be fair, but then I remember the merry Christmas on the train and I'm back at square one.

As I open the door, he's already there, casually leaning against one of the walls.

"Hi", I say and walk in. He turns around and looks at me. I probably look like a mess. Just out of bed with my pajamas and slippers on, hair in a messy bun and tired looking eyes.

"Hey", he says and walks over to me. He hugs me tightly. I hug him back, but quickly let go as I realise what is going on. I push him back gently.

"Why did you want to meet up?" I ask him.

"I missed you", he says which annoys me a bit. What a change from two weeks ago.

"Cut the bullshit Malfoy, what do you want from me?" I ask and cross my arms. He seems taken back a bit.

"Did you get my letter?" he asks and rubs the back of his neck. He seems so insecure and I swear he wasn't this skinny two weeks ago. It really makes me worry.

I nod. "I get why you did it Draco, but I need to know what you want from me", I say and he sighs.

"I need to know if it's ever going to happen or not."

"Look, I don't know. They won't ever let me, but I really do like you and I don't want to lose you", he says and puts a strand of hair behind my ear. I force myself to be strong. Think about what Hermione and Ginny said.

"Then what do you propose?" I ask. Another sigh.

"Well maybe we just have to be more careful, make sure no one notices anything", he says and I look down. I expected this, but it still hurts.

"Sneaking around again?" I ask and bite my lip.

"Hey, that was kind of fun, wasn't it", he says and lays his hand on my waist.

"No", I say and look into his eyes. They look confused. Merlin's beard he really thinks that he can get everything he wants, doesn't he?

"You can't lead me on like that. I don't want to be your filthy little secret. I don't deserve that", I say. He removes his hand and I look down again.

"I know", he whispers. He does?

"I know you don't deserve that and I'm sorry. I just had to try. I'm just ... I'm ... I'm afraid of losing you", he says.

I quickly pull him into a hug.

"I wish things were different, but they're not. It is what it is. I hope you find someone that makes you happy and who your parents approve of. It's just not going to be me", I say and with that I leave the tower, tears forming in my eyes for the millionth time. It really is over I guess.