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❝some past flashes are so effective that they can literally kill your sense to feel the present.❞
"Hey, mom." I whispered, looking down at the fresh mound of dirt under her gray, cracked tombstone. I ran my hand over the dying flowers in my shaking hand, a few tears swelling up in my ocean eyes. I gently placed the flowers down by her tombstone, sighing slightly, "I'm sorry that these flowers look so broken. I decided that I'd bring you these so they'd remind you of me. I'm shattered without you."
I ran a hand through my firey hair, trying to calm myself down, trying to think of words to say to my mother, who I missed dearly. It's already been eight months without my parents, and just as I feel myself finally getting over their death, I'm bumped right back to the beginning, like the emotional wreck I was the first two months that they were gone.
"Darry's doing an amazing job taking care of us. He's grown up a lot in the past eight months. Soda, on the other hand, hasn't grown up at all, and I don't think he ever will. I don't know which is better; I guess I'll find out soon. Ponyboy... Ponyboy's been getting really good grades. He's trying to make you proud, and I know he is." I choked back tears, staring up at the moon. "I-I have late night conversations with the moon. I just hope you're on the other side, talking to me too. I-I miss you so much, and even though I'm trying to figure out how to live without you, I just can't find a way. I cry myself to sleep every night, but the boys don't know. I act like everything's fine, always smiling fake smiles and forcing laughs. I'm keeping up a real good facade for you."
Suddenly, tears began streaming down my face, but I did my best to hold them back, "There are so many words that I wish I could say to you. I wish that I could hear your laugh, and see your smile. I'd do anything just to tell you I love you one last time. I love you, but the amount of love I have for you can't even amount to how much I fucking miss you. I'm faking my happiness, mom, but no one can tell. I... I guess Pony can sense something is up, but he doesn't know exactly what. Some sort of twin telepathy, I guess." I laughed, wiping away a few stray tears that had made their way down my cheeks.
I sat there in silence for awhile, tracing my fingers along the letters engraved in her tombstone. I desperately wished that she would come back, even for a little bit. I just wanted to throw my arms around her and tell her that I love her with all my heart one last time. I wished for my father too, but that's a hard story to tell.
After awhile of quietly sitting there, wishing she would come back, I finally decided to head home. I shivered as a cold breeze ruffled through the quiet night, pulling Sodapop's oversized flannel around my body.
Before I left, however, I turned to speak to her one last time, "I want to let you know that the boys are doing a great job taking care of me. Darry's pushing me to do my best, and Soda's always understanding. Pony is amazing for comfort. Whenever I have a bad night or a horrible day, he's always there. You and Dad raised us well. Thank you, I love you." I finished, reaching out to touch her gravestone one last time.
After leaving the cemetery, I decided to stop into a grocery store, not only to check the time but to also see if anything there interested me. It was 2:30 in the morning, and I knew my brothers were worried sick. I didn't want to go home tonight, because they would ask too many questions and I wasn't in the mood for an interrogation.
After awhile of pondering around, I began walking to the DX. I knew that Steve slept there when he didn't feel like crashing at our house. I mean, if his father didn't kick him out that night.
Nearing the DX, I prayed that Steve would be there. I knew for a fact that Soda wouldn't be there. Not only was it about 2:30 AM, but I knew Ponyboy would need him if he had any more nightmares. Besides, Soda had a nice home. I would know, I lived there myself.
Suddenly, it started pouring down rain. Sodapop's flannel wasn't warm enough; it was a cold rain. Even though I was getting closer to the DX, I was a still a solid 15 minutes away. It was beginning to get hard to see, but I did my best to make it to the DX.
"Steve!" I yelled through the rain as I reached his and Soda's workplace. I was shivering.
He came up behind me, "Logan? What the fuck are you doing here?" Steve questioned, taking a good look at me. I shivered and my red hair was soaking wet. Steve's expression immediately softened up as he pulled me inside and out of the rain.
"T-Thank you," I muttered through my chattering teeth, shivering even more than I already was.
"For God's sake, take the flannel off! What are you doing here?"
"I-I was visiting m-my mom at the cemetery, a-and I lost track of time. I-I knew D-Darry was gonna get mad and I-I... I wasn't in the mood for an i-interrogation." I explained, taking off Soda's flannel. That left me my soaking jeans and a soaking Paul Newman shirt I had taken from Ponyboy.
"Alright," Soda's best friend started, tossing me his DX shirt, "Dry off, you're gonna get sick. I'll phone your house and tell your brothers that you're safe." he explained, and I thanked him, quickly taking off my shirt without him looking. I threw on his shirt and buttoned it quickly while he was calling my brothers.
"Darry's pissed, so Sodapop was the one doing the talking. He was worried sick about you. Pony was locked away in his room, he was so worried. You ain't gonna be let off easy." Steve told me, and I nodded my head.
"At least I know they care," I muttered, still shivering. My lower body was still soaking.
"Logan, let me get you some pants or you'll get sick." Steve rushed around, grabbing a pair of gray sweatpants and throwing them to me, "They're gonna be big, but they'll work for tonight. It ain't too bad. I'll drive you home tomorrow."
"Thank you." I whispered, "Thank you for looking out for me, Stevie." I pulled on the sweatpants and took off my jeans.
"It ain't a problem. Your brothers would kill me if I let anything happen to you." he laughed, and I laughed with him.
I always knew I could count on Steve Jacob Randle.
a/n: you matter. please stay. i love you. remember there is a light at the end tunnel. if it's not okay, it's not the end. the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1800-273-8255.
