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❝ take me far away. someplace nice where the sun always shines and there are no goodbyes.❞
PONYBOY came bursting through the door, an angry look on his face. I flinched as he slammed the door, not only because he came in so suddenly, but also because I clearly remembered that I had locked it. However, then it hit me. I had given him a key to my room so that if I ever did something stupid, he'd be the first one to come and save me.
I looked over to him, and he seemed angrier than ever. "Pony, what's wrong?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to upset him even more. He stormed over to me, and I backed away slowly.
"Why did you have to come home so late?" he shouted at me, continuing shortly after, "We have already lost mom and dad, and we all thought we had lost you, too! Soda was so busy keeping Darry away from you that he's lying on the living room floor, with a busted lip and a bruised eye! All because of you! Maybe you should have gone with mom and dad." Ponyboy sneered, and I was in disbelief as I listened to him.
"Pony..." I tried to speak, but he cut me off.
"Save it, Logan. You're not wanted." he spat, heading out of my room and back into the living room, leaving me alone.
I woke up in a cold sweat as I shot up in bed. Ponyboy was up almost instantly, a concerned look on his face as he saw my face. I looked over to him, my blue eyes pale as ice. All of the color drained from my complexion, and I felt sick to my stomach.
"Logan, it's alright... calm down, I'm here." Ponyboy whispered as he sat up. His strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer to him, and I accepted it. All I wanted was to feel wanted, and in that moment, my twin made me feel that way.
We sat there in silence for a long time, I silently cried. Ponyboy laid down gently, taking me with him. He was lying on his back and I let my head rest on his chest, draping my right arm around him.
He didn't want me. I don't deserve him. I was just a bother.
My thoughts were killing me. I tried not to think, but the silence was a killer, too. I needed to be saved. I needed to be found and appreciated, for exactly who I was. Sure, I didn't love myself at all, but it would still be nice to have someone attempt to let me know that they would be there for me. Silence says a lot more than you think.
A lot of times I think to myself, 'I'm falling apart.' But then I think to myself, 'Have I ever been complete?' The answer was no, plain and simple. I was never complete, not even when mom was here. I felt terrible thinking that, but it was true.
Ponyboy just held me in his arms, rocking me back in forth. "Pony..." I choked out, grasping onto him even more tightly than I already was. I had to; it felt as if I didn't hold him tightly, he'd slip right out of my grip... just like mom and dad.
"Shhh... it's alright. You'll be alright." my brother cooed, stroking my hair gently. My mind drifted to my facade; sometimes all I could do is smile. Move on with my day, hold back the tears and pretend I'm okay. It killed me. I stayed quiet, even while a war was happening within me. I wasn't living... I was just existing in a sad, terrible and vicious world.
As Pony held me, I realized something else, too. I had built up my walls so high so that no one would ever be able to climb them, but as soon as Ponyboy took me into his arms, they all came crashing down. I just cried into his chest, still too scared to tell him my feelings.
I'm losing myself. I'm losing myself in the loss of my mother. It hurts to wait for someone who's never coming back again, but I do that every night because my mind still isn't comprehending that she's gone. She's gone, and I'll never again get to see her beautiful smile. I'm empty without her by my side. I'm not saying that I think of her constantly, but I can't deny the fact that each time my mind wanders, it always finds a way back to my mother. I do, however, constantly think of why everything happened. The thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.
Maybe I feel so empty because I leave pieces of myself in everything that I used to love. A lot of me was left in my mother, and she took that with me when I lost her.
Feelings make us sad, happy, and in love... we cannot control them even if we try. One day everything will eventually burst. It is what defines the human being. Feelings are a universal language in their manners. Yeah, feelings make us vulnerable. It would be so much easier not to feel at all, but it's not so easy for me.
My mind drifted back to Ponyboy, who was still there stroking my hair and holding me tightly against his chest. His white t-shirt was soaked with tears by now, but they wouldn't stop flowing out of my eyes. I tried to tell myself to stop crying... but I just couldn't. My salty tears, words that my heart could never say, rolled down my cheeks and onto his shirt.
I buried my head further into his chest, only wanting to be taken away from the world. I'll try my best to stop crying, but it may take a hundred, maybe even a thousand sleepless nights. After all, I thought a lost Sodapop and Ponyboy in addition to my mom and dad.
"Pony... I thought I lost you." I whispered, just loudly enough so he could hear me.
He kissed the top of my head softly, "I love you, Logan. I'm always going to be here. I won't leave you alone in this cruel world."
My eyes went wide open.
Those were the last words my mother had ever spoken to me.
so this absolutely sucked but i still hope you enjoy it!
a/n: you matter. please stay. i love you. remember there is a light at the end tunnel. if it's not okay, it's not the end. the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1800-273-8255.
