The day I stopped singing in the shower

Chapter 48: Cracked

**Trigger warning: eating disorder**

It was hot but the breeze that came from the water calmed my nerves a little bit. My hands played with the sand, letting it run through my fingers.

I hated that my mom was so concerned about this subject, but a part of me also hated the fact that she wasn't completely wrong. Yes, I was hungover and I didn't feel like eating, but I couldn't forget all the comments from last night. Some part of me would've wanted to hear how skinny I looked and how I hadn't changed at all. So yeah, maybe I wasn't eating because of a whole other reasons.

I looked at my crossed legs and sighed. I remembered how they used to look and I knew it wasn't healthy, but I couldn't help to want them back. I sighed again and frowned glancing at the waves.

"Hi."

My heart almost jumped out of my chest at the sound of his voice. I turned my head around and saw Ace sitting down beside me. I gave him a tight smile and continued to stare at the water.

He kept his knees up and hugged his legs with his arms casually. "Your mom is worried." He said after a while.

"She's always worried." I muttered. "How did you find me?" I glanced at him.

He shrugged and bit the corner of his mouth. I could tell he was tense, like he was nervous. Uncertain of what to do. I knew these situations made him feel this way, he didn't want to upset me. "I kind of guessed you would be at the beach and searched it up on my phone."

I nodded slowly and looked at my fingers roaming around the sand. I heard him sigh.

"Martina-"

"I know." I frowned. "I owe her an apology, I know she's just worried about me and I don't blame her, her daughter is a fucking pain in the ass. I put her in so much trouble, I mean, she let her job because of me. She's always been there supporting me, even when I went to college instead of where she wanted me to go for recovery. I lied to her so many times, and here I am, running away, like I always do, and lying to her again."

He lowered his legs, crossing them and put a hand in my thigh. "You're not a pain in the ass, Martina. She did all those things because she loves you. You're better now, she just doesn't see you every day, she's used to your old habits, it's normal that she wo-"

I glanced up at him."I'm not any better Ace." I felt tears in the corner of my eyes burning. Threatening to fall. "Don't you see it? I'm not fine, I have the same thoughts I had three years ago. For God's sake, last night I was crying like an idiot because I felt fat. How ridiculous is that?" I scoffed and I felt a tear running down my cheek. "Joder, and here I am crying again, I didn't want to cry."

I glanced at the water again and felt a hand on my chin. I turned around to face Ace and he was staring at me with that intensity that his eyes held, with so much concern in his look. I hated to make him feel bad because of me. Another tear ran down my face and I threw my arms around Ace's neck, sobbing against his t-shirt. He wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me in a tight embrace. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and whispered things into my ear.

"It's okay. You're gonna be okay." He carresed my back. "You're not in this alone, I'm right here and I'm gonna help you."

The thing was, did I want that help?

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Ace drove this time, I was too tired to do it. We said goodbye to my family after I had a little chat with my mom. I apologized for leaving, and she told me I was smart enough to take care of myself and that she would truly trust me this time. She said she knew I would do the right thing.