university | lrh

30 - tears

Elise Halder
————

It's not that I don't know where I'm going, but more so that I'm just not exactly sure where my feet are taking me.

I'm not a runner; never have been, never will be—but right now, I can't seem to do anything but run. It's distracting, I guess, but it's also making me think, in a way that completely contradicts the purpose of running away from something. Every new step of my feet adds another thought, a new harsh awakening from the worst depths of my subconscious.

You're a coward.

I know that.

Go back and face the rejection like a big girl.

But that, I can't do. It's much easier to run away and to avoid the inevitable. I don't know what happened after I ran, and I don't know what Cade could've said at that point, without me there to dispute him. He could've said anything he wanted, really, and I can't bare to think that it might've worked.

And I know, I know all too well that I'm not helping my case at this very moment. I'm aware that every step I run is taking me further away from my defense, and if I'd just stayed and stood up for myself I could've stopped this. But two out of the six people in that room knew I wouldn't. And we both know I haven't done my credibility any favors by leaving, but I feel a little less trapped being out of the building and away from the boy.

If I could apologize to my older self, the one who made the promise, I would, but I can't. And if my older self could come forward and slap me right across the cheek with some sense, I would let her, but I can't do that either.

So I just run. And I know that I'm not very far away, and I'm not all that fast, so I shouldn't be surprised when I hear a voice call out, but I am, and I slow down in a panic, thinking it might be the same boy I had to get away from in the first place.

But it's not, it's a girl's voice, one that I know all too well.

"Lisi, wait—"

I turn around, despite how much I want to keep going, because we're both out of breath, and my confusion grows because this girl willingly ran after me, and she doesn't run for anyone.

I stop fully, and my chest is heaving up and down as the running catches up with me. My mouth is dry and hoarse, so I don't even speak, just look at her as I catch my breath, waiting for her to continue.

She takes a deep breath in, blinking rapidly in concern as she comes to stand in front of me. "You have to—" another breath. "You have to go back."

My heart is pounding because I can't run to distract myself anymore so I shake my head slowly. "I can't go back there." I choke out.

She breathes out again, surprising me when she puts both hands on my shoulders, looking intently at me with slight desperation. "No, Lisi, you don't understand," my brows furrow. "It's Luke, he's—"

"Lisi!"

My nerves grow as Cassie is interrupted, both of us pausing to glance back at the boy currently running to us, his shaggy hair moving wildly in the wind without his usual bandana to tame it.

"Ashton! What the hell?" Cassie removes her hands from me to look at him in exasperation, my confusion only growing. "You should be—"

He interrupts, huffing out a breath as he waves his hand quickly to dismiss it. "I know, I know, Cal and Mike have it covered, I just needed to get—"