The Deal

The Ringing Bells

TW: Suicide, Death

My mother killed herself.

The confession dives into the waves like my mother once did and I wait with bated breath for the universe to punish me for the revelation. To smite me for speaking that truth into existence.

I've never said that out loud before.

It's been the unspoken truth in my family that sits in the back of our minds slowly poisoning our brains and mocking our grief.

But, I could never confess it. Never admit to what I've known all along.

Until now. Until Harry, for some reason.

Harry's jaw goes slack as he struggles with how to respond or process what I've said, so while he decides how to comfort someone who's just said their parent committed suicide, I finish off the bottle between us.

"I don't... I'm so sorry, I never heard that version of events..."

I stop his rambling, "No one really knew except for my dad and I, though we never really said it flat out like that."

He nods his head like he understands where I'm coming from and I wait for the heavens to open up above me and strike me down for saying the words aloud. I wait for the ocean to rise up and swallow me whole or for my house upon the cliff to suddenly slide down into the waves.

It feels like a secret that was never meant to be confessed, a truth meant to live in the dark. And I wait for the universe to enact its revenge.

But... nothing happens.

The sea continues its gentle rocking, the sky remains serene, and my house remains firm and empty where it stands.

I don't know why I've been so scared to admit the truth. I don't feel sad after the admission. I don't feel regret or anger. I'm just numb.

Harry's voice travels over the waves, "What happened? I mean... If I can ask..."

I sigh, struggling to put into words how I knew it was a suicide. How, contrary to the coroner's report I knew in my heart what really happened that morning? How do you explain a feeling?

"She... She told us she was going out for a swim, on the note she left. But, the thing is, she didn't know how. She never learned how to swim and she always avoided the water because of that. I knew the moment I woke up what had happened, I could smell the ocean in my dreams that morning, could almost taste the salt. I woke up because I couldn't breathe and I just... I knew.

"The note just confirmed it for me... That was her secret way of telling us what she was doing...Her clue as to what she did. When they found her body, they ruled it an accidental drowning and we let them. But, we knew the truth. At least Dad and I did... Nan still denies the fact. She can't face the truth."

He lets out a big breath, face contorted in concern and lifts his feet from the water as if fearful it will swallow him whole too.

I see him struggling for the right words, the perfect condolences. But, the truth is, there is none. My mum is gone because she chose to be and nothing anyone can say or do will bring her back or lessen that agony.

There is no other pain like knowing someone you loved abandoned you willingly.

Harry's face is pale and his words are choked and it makes something heavy and aching shift inside of me, "I had no idea, Nova... I would never believe something so horrible happened to you. You're just... so warm and positive... I'm so sorry... I couldn't even imagine what you must be going through."