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❝fake happiness is the worst sadness.❞
SOMETIMES it would be easier for us just not to feel anything. I sat against my bedroom door, my blue eyes tinted red from crying. Darry, Soda and Steve were at work. Ponyboy, Johnny and Two-Bit were all at school (I'm enrolled in school, but Darry made me take a little break because of my injuries), and Dallas was sleeping off a hangover from last night.
I needed somebody, I truly did. I didn't want to call Dallas because he needed to get better, and Darry was suppling most of the money for us. Pony, Two and Johnny were all in the middle of a school day, and I knew that if I called for them Darry would get mad at me. I didn't want to bother Steve or Soda, but I needed someone before I did something I would regret.
I wiped a few tears from my cheeks and slowly got up, readjusting the crescent moon necklace that Dallas had given me. He bought it for me after my parents had died, and told me that if I ever needed the reassurance of my parents, they'd be there.
I made my way out of the bedroom that Pony and I shared, and headed to the telephone in the living room. My shaking fingers gripped the black phone so hard that my knuckles turned white. I let out a loud sob, dialing the number of the DX. It felt like forever, but in reality it had been around 20 seconds before Sodapop had picked up.
"Hello?" my middle brother asked, and I could hear Steve shouting in the background. I sighed shakily, and quickly spoke back to him.
"S-Soda, p-please get here before I-I do something s-stupid." I whimpered out, staring at my feet. Salty tears were still running down my cheeks, and even though I tried my hardest to stop them, I couldn't.
"Logan, what's wrong? Are you okay?" my brother asked in concern, and I could hear Steve go silent in the back. I sobbed harder, only wanting some comfort.
"S-Soda, I-I need you. Please." I whispered, my voice cracking. I felt terrible; I wasn't okay.
"Steve and I will be right there! Hang on, we're coming!" he shouted frantically, and I whispered an 'okay' before hanging up. When I did hang up, I couldn't believe what I had done. All at once, my facade had come crashing down.
I ran to the bathroom and locked the door, sliding down the plaster wall. When I was down on the ground, I let out a heartbreaking wail. It was my cry for help, to put it simply. My shaking hands immediately made their way up to my red hair, and I tugged at it so hard that I thought some would come out.
Less than 10 minutes later, I could hear the front door slam open. "Logan!" my brother yelled frantically, his voice shaky.
"Logan, please! We're here!" Steve joined in on the yelling, a deep pain in his voice. I let out a sob for them to hear, and within five seconds the bathroom door opened. There was Sodapop, his eyes gazing down at me as he made his way towards me.
"Logan," he whispered out, dropping to his knees next to me. Soda caressed my face and wiped away a few of my tears, his own face displaying concern and worry. "Shhh, princess, what's wrong?"
I stayed silent for awhile, shaking for a long time in my brother's arms. Steve Randle stood in the doorway, his arms crossed as he looked down upon us. Sodapop stroked my hair calmingly until I was ready to speak.
"I can't do this anymore." I whispered, refusing to look at the two boys. I made a funny noise as I started to cry again, feeling worse than ever. Soda just hugged me tighter, afraid that I would slip out of his grip.
"You can't do what anymore, Log? You're worrying us." Steve commented, and I cried harder.
"I can't do anything anymore! I'm full of hate. I'm full of disgust. I'm full of fear. I'm full of tears. I'm full of sadness, and I'm full of pain! I'm sick and tired of everything! Mom and Dad's death destroyed me! I can't live knowing that I was in the car with them yet God chose to take them instead of me! I'm sick and tired of being strong when I'm not. I need help!" I burst out, crying harder than I ever thought I could. I glanced down at my necklace through blurry tears.
"Logan, I know it's hard. We're going to get you help, okay? Every single one of us loves you to pieces, and we'll always have your back." Soda placed a soft kiss to the top of my head. Steve nodded.
"I just wish people would notice that there is a difference between who I am and what I show." I choked out, my words becoming muffled by my brother's shirt. He held me, cradling me close to my chest.
"I'm sorry." Steve spoke up, his voice cracking. "I'm sorry for not noticing that every time you said that you were fine, you meant 'Please look through my facade, I'm really needing somebody.' I'm sorry that every time you smiled, I didn't notice the pain in your eyes and how fake they were. I'm sorry that I didn't notice that all your laughs were fake. I'm so fucking sorry for everything, Logan. I failed you, and I apologize."
By now, Steve Jacob Randle was holding back tears, and that scared me. I had never, ever seen him that vulnerable, and I was terrified.
"We all failed you." Sodapop muttered, close to tears as well. I hated it; I didn't want to make them cry. I didn't want to break my facade, but I finally broke. I needed someone besides Ponyboy who would listen to all my problems. I needed to know that I had people who were willing to lose sleep just to help me out, and at that moment, I realized I did.
"I love you guys." I whispered, closing my eyes gently.
I wanted to know if that was enough to maybe keep me alive.
hey so this was a shitty chapter so sorry about that but i hope you enjoyed! ♡
a/n: you matter. please stay. i love you. remember there is a light at the end tunnel. if it's not okay, it's not the end. the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1800-273-8255.
