Emotion and Color (Continued)

It's Hard To Maintain Relationships On Your Own

Nicole’s POV

I start to make my way up to Y/N and I’s dorm room. I slide the key card into the slot and take it out again to open the door. Y/N’s on her bed, hugging a pillow and crying into it. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but then again, crying into a pillow is really never a pretty sight. I put my suitcase and other stuff next to my bed. I walk to Y/N’s bed and sit at the opposite end of her. She pushes herself back even more into the corner of her bed, hugging her pillow tighter. I extend my hand out to her, not knowing what else to do. She just glares at me and I put my hand down. Y/N buries her face back into her pillow. I don’t think she knows what to do either.
Irene! Why is this so hard? I usually ask mom for advice when comes to stuff like this, but I can’t ask her. For obvious reasons. What else should I try to do? Maybe talk to her? It sounds like a good idea, but I don’t think she wants to talk to me. Ugh, I hate this. I hate what I said, what I did and how I reacted. I wish I could turn back time to avoid this mess.

I get up and start to put away my clothes. From the corner of my eye, I can see Y/N staring into the back of my head. I glance at her for a moment and go back to my clothes. It’s like she’s shooting invisible icicles into my back.

“Did you let me stay over your house over the summer because of the fact that I had nowhere else to go or did you actually want me there? I don’t understand, I thought I was your friend not your burden.” Y/N spat at me. I didn’t know how to respond to that.

“I… I… “
“Well? I’d love to know. Just to establish what our friendship means to you.” She seethed through her teeth, venom dripping with every word she spoke. I dropped my clothes and started to squeeze my wrist, which was something I would do when I was nervous, like right now.

“Whatever.” Y/N turned around, facing the wall and still hugging her pillow. I looked down and back up, a new anger bubbling up inside me and I had feeling it was about to be taken out on her. I wanted to stop it, but it was too much.

“No! It’s not ‘whatever’! You’re not a burden to me, so stop thinking that! I wanted you over my house because you’re my friend and I care about you! I care about our friendship! It’s just…”

“Just what? You said it yourself, I’m your replacement. I don’t know what’s going through your head to make you think that nobody cares about you or that everyone wants you gone, but it certainly isn’t me. You don’t have the right to say nobody cares about you. You don’t have the right because you’ve never had to go through the things I’ve had to go through. You can’t name a point in your life when you felt like the world was truly against you because you’ve always had people that love and care about you. You know your mom is right, how you act like the world is against you when it’s really not.” Y/N let go of her pillow and started to get up. She walked over to me and made direct eye contact with my eyes, which was something I was trying to avoid. “Even after I went inside the school, I could still hear everything you said. When you were fighting with your mom. You feel like I’m replacing you and you only invited me to stay with you because I had nowhere else to go. If you didn’t want me there, you should’ve said something. I could’ve made plans to stay somewhere else. It wouldn’t have been hard.” She crossed her arms and blew some hair out of her face.
“No.”
“No, what? What’s ‘no’?”
“No. Just, no. I wanted you there more than anything. I wanted you there to see the babies being born, to meet my family and just to spend time with me. Do you know how much begging it took me to convince my parents to let you stay with us? To welcome this girl that they know absolutely nothing about, into their home and let her live with them for the next two months. All because their daughter is on one knee and acting like she’s praying to Irene to let her stay. It’s just… Everything’s changing. Way too fast. Like, I knew my mom was having a baby, then I find out she’s having four and before I even have a chance to really comprehend that fact, the babies come almost two months early. The fact that suddenly, it’s not just Mom, Dad and I anymore, is overwhelming. Like, I’m an only child for seventeen years, my entire life, and now I have four siblings. How am I supposed to deal with that? I’m graduating high school this year, I’m leaving for college in June. I feel like the babies are my replacement now that I’m going to be gone soon. It’s too much, too soon and I don’t know how to react to it. I’m not sure if you’d even understand, you’ve probably never had to go through this.” I slump down on the wall. Y/N slumps down with me. She gives me a look of pity and and I can see a smile start to form on her face. I bury my head between my arms and legs in embarrassment.

“I actually do know what you’re going through. I have a brother, I’ve never told you about him, I know. But when he was born, I remember he got so much more attention than I was getting, more than I normally got in fact. I wasn’t used to it and I definitely didn’t like it at all. To put it simply, I was jealous. I was so jealous that I ran away from home, just for a way for my parents to pay attention to me.” Y/N chuckled at the memory while I stared at her in shock.

“You. You, of all people, ran away from home because you felt like nobody was paying attention to you? That sounds hard to believe considering the Y/N I know wants nothing to do with people paying attention to her.”

“Hey! It’s true! Ask the Phoenix Drop Police Department! They remember!”

“Your parents contacted the police?! How far did you get?!”

“Not far, I think a mile before a neighbor noticed a preschooler hitchhiking on the streets carrying a semi-full backpack. But still, my parents were obviously worried and called the police, just in case. Thankfully I was found, but I was grounded longer than I have ever been in my entire life.”

“You were in preschool when this happened?! How old were you?”

“I was three, if I remember correctly since my brother was a newborn at the time. I was a handful, but overtime, I gradually started to get used to the role of being a big sister. I loved being his big sister. No matter how young he was, he was always there for me. If I had a bad day at school or even just a bad day in general, he’d find any way he could to make me feel better. He’d even help take care of me when I was sick, though it usually resulted in him catching whatever I had the moment I got better. But anyways, what I’m trying to say is, having a brother was the best thing I could’ve asked for. They’ll drive you crazy, but keep a close relationship with them and they’ll always have your back. Trust me.” Y/N finished as she got up. The moment she was standing, I hugged her legs and squished the left side of my face into them.
“Thank you.” She looked down at me confused.
“For what?”
“For helping me with the baby-worrying-thing.” Y/N smiled and placed her hand on my head.
“Anytime, Nic’s. Now, can you let go of my legs? I need to put my clothes away and my pillow case in the dryer.” I blushed in embarrassment and let go.
“Sorry.” I said as I got up. I took a shirt from my pile and started to fold it. I thought to myself as I put the shirt away and pulled out a pair of pants.

“I’m going to be okay. But now I don’t know if I’m dreading or looking forward to Thanksgiving break.”