We Started Out Like a Song | Seaycee Short Stories

Keep Breathing

Based off of my own experiences with anxiety, and dedicated to anyone who has ever dealt with anxiety. 

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All that I know is I'm breathing/
All I can do is keep breathing/
All we can do is keep breathing/
 Now.

*****

Fact: Anxiety is a little bitch.

I gasp loudly as my body jolts itself awake and I am drenched in a cold sweat. I can feel my heart practically pounding out of my chest, and it takes a few minutes before my breathing finally begins to even out. It was just a dream, I'm gonna be okay.

I repeat it like a mantra until the apprehension fades away.

I'm not the type to have anxiety-induced nightmares or panic attacks, but I'm only human. There are moments when my mind goes into overdrive, especially when I'm alone.

Normally, I would call my fiance to talk through the panic. Even if it's the middle of the night, Sean usually ends up coming and sleeping over, insisting that I shouldn't be left alone when I'm feeling so anxious. But this time, I don't want him to know why I'm having these sudden, recurring anxiety-induced nightmares; he had just committed to a weekly teaching spot at TMilly that begins at the same that I was set to leave for Australia for two weeks to tour with Tricia.

I also didn't want him, or anyone, to worry about me anymore - these past few months, I've finally been feeling a lot better.

I assured him that I was ready to fly by myself again, but I guess not. I used to love to travel. I must have said a thousand times that my dream destination has always been Australia.

But ever since my brother Devon died almost two years ago, I've developed this irrational fear of flying. While he was away on deployment, his helicopter was shot down. There were no survivors.

*****

One Year Ago

We were walking on the boarding bridge on to the plane when I was hit with this sudden wave of intense uneasiness and I suddenly couldn't find the oxygen to breathe.

"Sean." I said suddenly, grabbing his arm. "We need to turn around now."

"What?" He turned around to look at me, a neutral look in his eyes quickly morphing into panic. He moves us to side to let others pass. He sees my body shaking, gasping for air. "Kayc! Kaycee, what's happening?!"

"I-I don't know! Sean, I'm scared! I feel like m-my chest is going to e-explode!" I try to calm myself down by hugging myself, but nothing is working. "Sean..." I whimper out to him for help, but I know that he doesn't know how to.

He reached out to hold me tightly, not knowing what else to do. "Can someone please help?!" He yelled out.

Luckily, a flight attendant nearby had heard us and rushes over. "What's going on? How can I help?"

"I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't feel anything, I can't breathe." I managed to choke out in a tearless sob. I was hugging my body, trying my best to elicit any sort of sensation but I felt numb everywhere. The only things I was aware of was the feeling of my heart painfully pounding in my chest and my lungs begging for air. "I think I'm going to die. P-please take me to the hospital."

Poor Sean was panicking and had no idea what to do. He broke down crying the moment they took me out of his arms and had me lay on the gurney. We were both terrified, but Sean did his best to comfort me during the entire ambulance ride to the emergency room.