HYUN [ JJK ]

31

Hoseok had gotten used to see Jeongguk spacing out in the midst of lecture. Jeongguk was different from other students—no matter at what time he returned home the night before, no matter how long he stayed up to gamble like the cards were his source of oxygen, Jeongguk wasn't the kind of student who casually placed his head on the desk and slept, ignoring stares from people around him. Maybe his doe eyes did help to make him look like he's actually focusing on the lecture, the way those dark brown irises glued to the slides projected in front convinced his professors that Jeon Jeongguk was focusing on what they're talking about.

But the reality was, it was the other way around. The words went past him like thin air, like showers which didn't even wet the bare ground. Though Jeongguk had denied this for God knows how many times, Hoseok was the one who witnessed everything, saw every of Jeongguk's behaviour since they're always  sitting next to each other. Hoseok noticed that Jeongguk had a habit to space out, but his features and gestured managed to fool the professors. Made sense as to why other students and the professors always wondered if Jeongguk wasn't feeling well during the test because his result was far from their expectations—yes, his marks were way worser than they had expected.

But today, the last week of January 2019, Hoseok discovered something out of the abnormality.

Jeongguk wasn't spacing out. Instead, he moved around in his seat, jotting down notes on his notebook and checked his phone here and there. Maybe because it's their final semester so Jeongguk didn't have the gut to risk anything but to see the drastic change made Hoseok wonder if the guy sitting next to him at the moment was really Jeon Jeongguk he had known since their first lecture in the university.

When the professor left the lecture hall, Hoseok knew it was the right time to ask, didn't take much time to slap Jeongguk's back playfully.

"Do you have a class after this?" Hoseok said as he shoved his books into the bag. Jeongguk replied with a furious nod, hand moving to collect his phone before putting it inside the pocket of his jeans. "What class?"

"Korean history." Jeongguk muttered, not turning his head to look at Hoseok.

"At what time?" They slung their backpack over their shoulders as they made their way out of the lecture hall.

"Two hours from now. Wanna grab something?"

Hoseok nodded with a cheeky grin. "You're paying."

_______

The last time Jeongguk felt this restless was when his sister found out that he had been gambling. Jeongguk had tried doing so many things to distract himself from thinking about Hyun, even tried to concentrate on the lectures by taking notes to make himself feel occupied only to know that there's no way the little boy would leave his mind even for a split second. It felt weird, felt so unlikely to not see him for almost half of the day since Jeongguk had gotten used to be with Hyun for almost 24/7. It was crazy, everything was crazy. He didn't know that a creature who suddenly came into his life after an episode of losing a round of gambling would affect him that much, to the point he felt like running out of the lecture hall and went straight to his car, driving to the daycare centre at full speed and fetch Hyun.

A long sigh left his lips as he rubbed his face in exasperation, catching Hoseok off guard to see the change of his demeanour.

"What's wrong with you?" Hoseok asked before taking a sip of his drink. "Your sister again?" Hoseok's mocking laugh hit Jeongguk's eardrums, but unlike usual, Jeongguk didn't retort.

"Nothing." Jeongguk lied. No, he didn't want Hoseok to know that he had grown fond of Hyun, didn't want to let his friend see how much his soul was screaming to see Hyun at the moment. Sounds funny, but Jeongguk still wanted to take care of his image even at time like this.

Hoseok was with him when he met Jimin at the alley behind the casino. Hoseok saw how disgusted Jeongguk was the moment the little boy cried for Jimin, heard Jeongguk cussing under his breath when Hyun didn't want to shut up and kept on wailing to get Jimin's attention. Hoseok knew everything, and Jeongguk didn't want him to know that Jeongguk was starting to change his mind now.

Fuck. If possible, he didn't want to return Hyun to Jimin. Even if it meant losing his monthly allowances, Jeongguk wouldn't hesitate to purposely lose a round if that would make Jimin give Hyun to him again.

But fuck, that wouldn't happen. And it made Jeongguk want to laugh at himself for wishing for things that would never happen. Wanted to slam his very own head onto the wall for hoping way too much from a father who had heard his son's first wail, who had hold his son when he was still pink and fragile. Jeongguk had got himself into parenthood too deep that he understood how every father feels now—so he believed that no matter how satanic Jimin was, that blonde was still a father, and nothing could change the fact that Hyun was a part of him.

"How are you feeling now?" Hoseok suddenly asked, snapping Jeongguk out of his deep thoughts.

"What kind of answer do you want to hear?" Jeongguk replied, uninterested to talk about Hyun because God, he was too scared if Hoseok could read his emotions through his eyes.

"Umm... relieved? Excited? Happy?" Hoseok said quizzically. "The moment you have been waiting for is just around the corner. Then, we can start gambling like before again. Hanging out, and you can drink After Shock as much as you want." The orange haired guy winked, causing Jeongguk to let out a scoff. "Ten days, huh?"

"Yeah." Jeongguk wished his deepened voice could conceal the amount of despair he's feeling on the inside. "Ten days."

"Instead of thinking about your problem with Jaehwa, I think it's better for you to spend your time with Hyun. Like... a farewell party? Though you're unwilling to look after him all these while, it's better if Hyun remembers you even after you two separate. Doesn't it?"

'No, Jeongguk. Don't show him that you're not ready for that.'

"He calls you daddy, though." Hoseok continued.

Jeongguk bit his lower lip so hard that he didn't care if it would bleed. He had Hyun when the boy was 6 months old. Two months had passed and that made Hyun turn 8 months old this month. Jeongguk didn't know how to describe his feelings—maybe it was something close to devastated for not being able to see the boy he had raised making his first step, not being able to be the one who Hyun would wobble to once he finally could walk.

Jeongguk saw Hyun struggling to roll over, was there when Hyun cried every time he failed. He was there all along until the boy could crawl so fast, was the one who would cheer like a fool when Hyun reached his lap. Such a shame that he wouldn't be able to see Hyun making his first step, such a shame that he wouldn't be able to see Hyun falling after a series of wobbly steps, such a shame that he wouldn't be the one who would embrace the boy to whisper "it's okay, you can always try again."

Jeongguk knew, realised that he was being greedy to keep Hyun all to himself and made the boy his, but the main problem was, Hyun wasn't even his to begin with, and he would never be his.

"It's okay." Jeongguk breathed, looking down at his lap blankly. "I'm never his daddy anyway."