Azure Saviour | dark h.s.

thirty four | 34

Screaming bc GIF!!!!!

Hiya lovelies! So I wanted to clarify a few things, just in case anyone was a tad confused from the last update. Let's recap, shall we?

For the longest time (which you've read many times), Céline has always told herself that she can't get close to Harry, for reasons that she never knew. She just had a feeling that getting close to him (in a deeper/emotional way), would cause problems. When Harry told her about Amber, that was the confirmation of why she felt the way she did.

Then, there's Harry himself, who started to feel the same way. It took much longer for him to realise his feelings, but he constantly pushed them away, because he felt guilty. He still feels like the closer he gets to Céline, that he's cheating on his deceased wife. This wouldn't be an H story if he doesn't fall in love (so that's no spoiler, it'll obvershhly happen eventually). So hang on tight, until his heart truly opens up. There still are things that he will lie about, to try and escape from his feelings, but those are yet to come up, since I can't tell you what they are.

So, these chapters are emotional and I break for both Harry, and Céline, it's impossible not to.

Anyway, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's one of my favourites for certain reasoning, and you'll figure out why when you come to it. I love you all for sticking with me and thank you much for all of the support! 14K yay!!!

S x

sen·sa·tion

Harry.

Pain. Hurt. Agony.

Content. Comfort. Care.

Those were the emotions I felt before, and after, I released months of intense thoughts and main parts of my past that caused me to be the way I am today. Never would I thought I'd ever actually verbalise what happened and how I was feeling about everything. I started with one thing and everything else cascaded, heavily dropping down as if it were waterfall.

Céline, she made me feel wanted. She made me believe that I still have meaning and a presence in this world. I thought I lost all hope of ever feeling some sort of true happiness again; and that I wasn't just a lost cause, who couldn't ever be fixed. I knew that's what I needed - an entire lifestyle change to attempt to go back to the way I used to be. The problem was, I still wasn't sure if that were physically and mentally possibly again.

Each of my friends had told me the same thing, and I just thought that they were saying it for the sake of friendship; but it wasn't. I loved them all and always believed that they were looking out for me. Never once when I did something wrong, were they never there for me. All of the reckless things I've done, they've always been my backbone. The many cushions that would protect me if I fell. They never left me be alone; but nonetheless, why did I always feel lonely? Forever isolated and in solitary.

I truly had no idea. That was a lie.

The problem was, I did. I knew the exact reason: Amber.

My wife had left me, along with our unborn child. One minute they were alive and coming back to me; the next, they were instantly gone. I knew that they didn't purposefully leave me; but it felt like they did. It was how I wanted to feel.

The pain was too much to handle and I dealt with it the wrong way. I couldn't lie to myself and say that I was going to stop cold turkey with what I was doing, because I had no idea if I could. That was something that I didn't know if I had it in me. Just as C told me, the alcohol, the smoking, and the drugs - they were all things that came with the territory of wanting to ruin my soul, inside and out.