The Last Card

Strength

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

I shrugged. "And you never thought that I might be in the place where we first met?"

"Well, the store is closed today and you're supposed to be at your very New Age wedding."

The querent walked over to join me. I was sitting on the table and he sat down next to me. We were quiet for a minute.

"You look beautiful," he finally said. "You make that hippie wedding dress look beautiful."

I rolled my eyes―even as his words made my heart leap. He would have been happier with a formal wedding and dress. But it wasn't me. I could only see myself getting married in this sleeveless, eyelet dress with a crown of flowers in my long dark hair.

Sometimes I think that he didn't realize that we were too different. He was too focused on getting what he wanted.

He was the Chariot―speeding toward his goal.

I was the Eight of Swords―blindfolded, tied up and trapped by blades.

"So you don't want to do this?" he asked. "You don't want to marry me."

"Not you..." I hedged. "I'm not sure about anyone."

I was lying―and he knew it.

"The other night...you kept going through your deck. I saw which card kept coming up."

"Don't you believe in privacy?"

He ignored my jab. "You always told me not to be afraid of that future...and now you're running away from our present."

"You don't understand."

"No―I've never been as insightful as you. I'm the moron who needs to pay you for eight years to explain my own screwed up life."

"I don't think you are going to die," I said quietly. "But the Hanged Man? That could be betrayal. What if...you know I haven't had good luck with relationships."

"I'm not Tony."

"No―but Meadow loves you like you are her dad." I traced the peace sign henna tattoo on my left hand. "I don't think...it would shatter her if you ever left."

"Why do you think I'd leave?"

I reached over to where the Hanged Man was concealed by his sleeve. "I don't think this means you'll die―but it could mean that you'll feel stuck. Maybe you'll want to leave."

"You used to get mad at me for worrying about a future that will never happen," he said quietly.

"That was different." I played with the fabric of my dress. "Now...now I'm worried about losing you. And I just want a sign―one sign that it will be different."

He took a deep breath and pulled something out of his pocket.

My tarot deck.

"Give me a reading," the querent requested.

"Now?"

He gave me his beautifully familiar sardonic smile. "It's not like we're taking hands and getting married in a ceremony that I can only describe as my mother's worst nightmare."

As if in a trance, I began shuffling the cards. We didn't leave our position on the table. I just set the cards in my lap. "Past." I turned the card over. "Four of Wands. This could indicate an engagement."

"I'm shocked," he said playfully. "Huh. Is this card where you got the inspiration for our wedding? Getting married under all those flowers?"

I sighed. "I do not get inspired by cards. Our ceremony dates back..."

He clapped his hands together. "I've heard the history a billion times. If we go through it again, we might be late for that ceremony."

If we had the ceremony.

I turned the next card. "Strength..."

"Look at that white dress―looks like someone I know," he teased. "And the lion? Does that make us Beauty and the Beast?"

I fought a smile. "You're getting better at understanding these cards."

"Yeah, I'd be an utter moron if I didn't pick up some of these things after almost ten years."

I ran my finger on the familiar picture. "This is what worried me. The lion? That's you. Your dangerous desires and urges. The girl? She is self-control―the purity of the white dress is symbolic of self-control. I think that I'm the girl in this situation. I'm supposed to save you from yourself. And...I don't know if I can do it."

He touched the symbol over her head. "I've seen this before," he mentioned.

"The infinity symbol. It's also over the head of the Magician." I leaned against his warm body. "This symbol can stand for an eternal union."

"Like we should be doing today?"

"I don't know if I can," I said. "I can't be the person holding you back from self-destruction forever. I use our computer too, you know. I know you keep searching for answers to your vision. You haven't let go of it."

"You make me want to let it go."

Tears stung my eyes. "I don't want that responsibility. Do you know how many times I tried to stop Tony from shooting up? I couldn't save him from that shit."

"This is different."

"It's still an addiction."

I handed him the Strength card. "This infinity symbol? It's an Ouroboros. You are a snake eating yourself in an endless quest to save yourself. That means there will never be an end to it."

I got off the table and so did the querent. I held the future card to my chest; unable to look and unable to let it go.

"Is there anything else the card means?"

"You will find trouble in your relationship and you have to be strong enough to take your partner's feelings into consideration."

"Did you ever notice these cards always seem to work the way you want?"

"I can't control the meaning."

He took the future card from me and threw it onto the table without even looking. "But you can control what you do in the present―that's what you taught me. I can only promise to try to do better. God knows I'm not perfect. But are you willing to throw away your present―our present?"

The querent held the Strength card out to me and I took it.

I had a choice―hold the present to my heart or throw it down with his future card.

What was the right thing to do?