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Review by Sunshine: Of Suns and Spirits

Title: Of Suns and Spirits

Author: riyamcyriac

Summary: 4.5/5

Your summary is simply fantastic. You introduce the world, the concepts, the Blood Battles, and the stakes in a seamless but effective manner. I love that all three characters come from different backgrounds, and I love that you've ended the summary with a dramatic "Let the Blood Battles begin" – that was a powerful way to end the summary, and definitely makes readers yearn for more. I did, however, catch a few things that could use some brushing up.

Firstly, I think I found a typo in the following sentence:

"Varona is a famed street fighter with a secret that could take her life is ever leaked."

I think you mean 'if ever leaked' instead of 'is ever leaked'.

Secondly, let's look at the following sentence:

"...between the three Soul Realms, The Spirit, the Earth, and the Dark."

I think you should use a colon instead of a comma, since you then go on to list the three realms. Generally, a colon signifies the start of a list. So I recommend changing it to:

"... between the three Soul Realms: The Spirit, the Earth, and the Dark." 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your story is pretty polished with minimal errors – so well done! There were definitely moments that need polishing up, though. I found a sentence missing a capital letter, I found a few sentences missing their commas, and I found a little punctuation error as well. I'll break them down for you here:

"Salvador." he glanced at the stark ink tattoo on his hands.

The sentence after the dialogue needs to begin with a capital letter.

If they don't know my name if nobody knows my name, it's mine.

In the sentence above, you're missing punctuation. It's a run-on sentence. I think hyphens would be an effective punctuation choice. I would write:

If they don't know my name – if nobody knows my name – it's mine.

Another missing punctuation example I found was in the following sentence:

"My fists clenched she charged towards me like a bull."

The above sentence doesn't quite make sense. Do you mean, "My fists clenched as she charged..."?

Finally, another issue I saw (only once or twice, though) was punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Of course," he smiled, sticking out his pass.

That above sentence is incorrect. "He smiled" is not a verbal tag. It should be:

"Of course." He smiled, sticking out his pass. 

Character Building: 4.5/5

I am an absolute sucker for stories from multiple perspectives. I've mentioned this before in a previous review, but I absolutely love seeing characters start in different contexts and situations, and I love seeing the way their lives slowly begin to intertwine. You have executed this trope exceptionally well – the perspectives are engaging, distinct, and very clear. Wonderful work!

I absolutely adored delving into their very different backstories and worlds, and I liked seeing the way they are been drawn into the Blood Battles for different reasons and with different responses (from what I can see thus far). I adore Kardith and his family, Varona seems like an absolute badass with her power (I'll be mentioning powers more later in this review), and I found Akuru's voice particularly engaging because his purpose and desires very clearly underpin the writing.

There were very few moments where I felt you bordered into telling a bit more than showing, but these were very brief and weren't too distracting. But, take for example, the prologue:

"The boy was confused."

Don't tell us that – it'll be more effective to show that to us. Perhaps his eyebrows arch, or maybe he even repeats what someone just told him but inside his head to emphasise his confusion. But don't just give it to us. The readers can work it out for themselves. 

Writing Style: 5/5

I love your writing style. I love your use of showing rather than telling, your descriptions are fantastic, and you use figurative language effectively. Your use of rhetorical question was very effective in the prologue, and your chapters are very character-driven. Your writing was accessible and allowed the readers to feel the hunger Varona felt, which helped us understand her and engage with her.

Your manipulation of sentence structure was also excellent – especially when it came to the action-packed, fast-paced scenes. I love your use of one-sentence paragraphs, and the writing itself was always fluent and always compelling. Wonderful work! 

Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5

The worldbuilding in your story is handled fantastically. It's not too heavy, nor does it leave us alienated and confused. It's purposeful, clever, and introduces things only when they are necessary. Well done at not info-dumping!

It was also so nice to see the powers you implemented within your story! It's so refreshing to branch away from the typical elemental magic (fire, water, earth...). Well done – I can easily say that this is a very different, very unique world with wonderfully written characters and professional writing. I can't judge plot so much right now, with the limited number of chapters you have, but if you keep this up, I'm sure your plot will be great. 

OVERALL SCORE: 22.5/25

Overall, a great start to a story! Just work on your punctuation a little bit, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps.