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Review by Sunshine: Dragon Rider in the Modern World

Title: Dragon Rider in the Modern World

Author: ModernWaterRider

Summary: 3.5/5

There are some great things happening in your summary! You introduce the main character and the dilemma she faces in a fluent and engaging manner, and I love the way you finished your summary with a link to the title. Great work there! I did, however, catch a few things that I would try polishing:

First of all, tense. You start off in past tense, but then move into present tense as you introduce the egg. That's fine – that's a good choice. But there was one sentence that contained both past and present tense, and I advise against this. Make sure your sentences are either past tense or present tense – don't put both tenses into one sentence. The one I caught was:

"Valerie was perfectly happy being an innocent bystander, until the tables turn and she finds herself in the possession of a dragon egg."

"Valerie was perfectly happy..." [was = past tense]

"... until the tables turn..." [turn = present tense]

I would change 'turn' to 'turned'.

Secondly, I think you keep the readers more engaged by introducing some stakes. Why does she need to keep the egg a secret? What will go wrong if she doesn't? 

Grammar: 3/5

Your grammar wasn't too bad, for the most part. There were definitely some commas scattered throughout the story that didn't belong where you put them, and there were also some other minor punctuation errors I found.

One of these punctuation errors is dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"We're Valerie, Anne, Eric, Natalia, Hans, Elizabeth, Diana, Jin, Trixie, Adele and Padma." Valerie said.

"Valerie said" is a verbal tag. It should be:

"We're Valerie, Anne, Eric, Natalia, Hans, Elizabeth, Diana, Jin, Trixie, Adele and Padma," Valerie said. 

Character Building: 2.5/5

There were some nice things happening with characters. The dialogue was often realistic and engaging, and the speeches at the end were particularly heart-warming. I like the diversity you've included in your cast.

However, you do a lot of telling when it comes to characterisation. Your story is in first person, so you have the opportunity to make your voice conversation to help the reader connect with the character who is running the chapter. Let's look at some examples:

"I was shocked."

Don't tell us that! Show it to us. Did she feel her blood turn cold? Did her heart stop momentarily? Did her pulse race? Show us how she felt – and we, as the readers, will work it out. By showing it to us, we'll be able to connect to her more, and the tension and suspense will also be more drawn out. Let's look at another example:

"Id she did, it would be bad because she wasn't a morning person, on top of the fact that we weren't as close as we used to be before she got Firefly."

That is a LOT of telling that felt quite unnecessary at the time. You don't need to tell us this. You should show it to us when Valerie and Sarah talk to each other, and you can then show the tension between them through their dialogue and body language towards one another.

Even when you're just glossing over Valerie's day to day activities, let us really engage with her character. You need to let us live and breathe these characters – especially since it doesn't exactly stick to one character throughout. For example:

"I was thinking about my latest read, about what would happen next."

Take it one step further. What was she reading? What was she thinking would happen? If you gave us that, you would have automatically characterised her as someone who thinks hard and who questions what she reads by showing it to us. It was a perfect opportunity to let us delve into her character more. What types of books does she read? What does she want to happen net? Does she prefer sad endings over happy endings? Does she like romance?

You write your story in first person, which should allow the reader to easily access the thoughts of your character. Don't be afraid to use that! You don't need to italicise the characters' thoughts. You are already in first person – their thoughts should seamlessly be woven into the story. 

Writing Style: 2/5

From a professional point of view, writing "Valerie's POV" or "Raven's POV" at the start of chapters isn't very professional. I would suggest changing your chapter names and making the chapter titles represent the character who is speaking.

I found that your writing tended to gloss over details. For example, let's look at the very start, when Valerie trips over the egg. Don't gloss over that moment – rather, draw it out and help hype the moment. This is the moment that will change her life. When she trips, describe the feeling of it. Describe the pain, tell us about the mud and bracken stuck to her face, tell us about the grit on her hands and the crunch of the leaves as she landed on them.

Don't be afraid to use figurative language. Simile, metaphor, personification – they are all extremely useful devices to help enrich your writing. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

When you write a fantasy story of any sort – high fantasy, urban fantasy, dark fantasy – you need to be careful of worldbuilding. You have to assume the reader knows absolutely nothing about the world. When you introduce dragons, their species, and the little details about the world, you have to slow down the pace and make sure everything is clear.

Plot-wise, the story is quite smooth and cute. I'll admit that I am a little tired of the 'lucky find' trope, but that's very much a personal thing.

Just be careful: there are a lot of unnecessary "I did this, I did that" moments. Do we need to know what the colour of her shirt is? Do we need to know her hairstyle? Do we need to designate an entire paragraph to it? Will it influence the plot and direction of the story? If not, then leave it out. Just show us that, after breakfast, she threw on a shirt and a pair of jeans and found herself drawn back to the egg. That's all you need to show us – keep it all purposeful. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25

Overall, an interesting story with some heart-warming moments. Be careful when it comes to punctuation and telling (as opposed to showing), and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.