What He Had

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.:. Rating : NC-17 .:.

It starts happening again two weeks into the tour. Somewhere in the back of his mind Ryan thought that he was way past this problem, that it was somehow connected to the adrenalin rush of Panic shows specifically – the screaming, the energy, the sweat, Brendon. Definitely Brendon. And now he’s no longer on massive stages or technology loaded tour busses or in the presence of crying fan girls. He’s entered a world of tiny, half-empty venues, an old, beaten down van, and well, there are definitely fan girls, but they no longer cry. It’s like they see him on stage and swallow down bitter disappointment at the realisation that Ryan is not a god, and when they come talk to him after the shows, they manage to hold back the tears that used to flow so easily.

He’s not complaining. He wouldn’t want to go back to what he had before because even if the silences between songs are awkward, he feels comfortable on stage for the first time in his life.

That’s why he didn’t think it’d start happening again, but it does.

When Ryan realises that he’s got a problem, Jon is singing Everyone But You. It’s a good thing, really, that Jon is singing and that people’s eyes are on him, because Ryan gets to wander over to Nick playing the keyboards, away from the prying eyes of the audience, and since Nick is focused on playing, he doesn’t look at Ryan twice.

Ryan doesn’t get it. The atmosphere is completely different from the old shows: there is none of that overloaded buzz in the air and the room isn’t full of pent up sexual energy that is bound to radiate from a teenage audience. Despite the lack of these things, Ryan is still getting hard.

When he has to return to his microphone, he makes sure to keep his guitar in front of his crotch. It only makes it worse, the firm pressure against his erection, and he wishes he could grind against it, anything, stuff a hand down his pants and get it over and done with so that he can move on with his fucking life.

The rest of the show doesn’t go well. He can’t concentrate, torn between needing to get off and trying to cover up the boner that just won’t go away. It’s even worse on a tour like this – yes, there are a lot less people, but the people are closer, right in front of him, and there’s one woman in her late twenties in front row, and she looks like she’s noticed and would really like to cop a feel, and it’s making Ryan more than uncomfortable.

He thought he waved goodbye to this problem when he left Panic.

Ryan’s a nervous wreck by the time they finish, and he’s also horny out of his mind. The audience goes back to chatting amongst themselves as they wait for Foxy Shazam to come on, and Ryan knows that he needs to go on stage and gather up their gear, but instead he grabs Jon’s arm, his throat dry and hands sweaty, and says, “Look, I just need – Can you pack up without me? Really sorry, I just –”

“Okay. Sure.” Jon frowns. “Are you okay?”

Ryan walked off stage with his guitar still hanging around him, a protective barrier, and of course his bandmates haven’t noticed his problem because they were busy on stage and weren’t facing him. The problem is at the point where Ryan’s cock is throbbing for no obvious reason, and the tip feels a little wet, like he’s leaking pre-come, and his skin is prickling and the room is hot and he can’t fucking take it.

“I’m fine,” he says, voice rough, and rushes off.

He locks himself in a backstage toilet – the only backstage toilet – only now putting his guitar away. He looks down and fuck, fuck, there’s a wet spot on the brown fabric of his pants, right there on his right leg. He curses as he fumbles with the belt, unzipping himself and shoving a hand inside. He groans when he gets there, and with his other hand he’s getting his phone out. No, he’s not planning to do a Pete Wentz here, he’s planning to do something worse. And the terrifying thing is that it’s not a conscious decision, he never decided to do this, but there never was any other option. The second he started getting hard, this was exactly how it was going to end up.

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