Thursday 30th November

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I'm losing myself

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I'm losing myself.

I can't eat, can't sleep, can't cheer... can't even work without thinking about the huge decision I have to make about Finch.

I spent the whole of Tuesday's chemistry lesson daydreaming about what life would be like if I really do give in and become Finch's girlfriend. I completely missed the homework assignment and had to beg Mr Favro for extra credit work to make up for it. That only made the situation worse. I can't risk losing my head now. Not when the Oxford application starts in less than 10 months.

To top it off, Finch has been distant and cold since the drive. We've barely spoken since Monday, and it makes the decision all the harder. He makes out like it's easy, but he doesn't get it. People won't gossip about him, or whisper when he passes in the corridors. He won't have pitying looks from people wondering when I'll break his heart. And if I say yes, I'll have to tell James what we've been for the past month. And my parents. All of them would disapprove.

Most of all, saying yes to him is saying yes to Tennessee. It's giving up on going home.

Reasons to say yes:

- I want him
- When I am with him, I don't feel homesick anymore
- He hasn't given me a reason not to trust him since the pep rally
- He makes me feel wanted
- He is so much more than I thought. Deep down, he is sweet and funny. I like that side of him.

Reasons to say no:

- I want Oxford more
- When I am with him, I forget about my priorities
- I know 100 reasons and stories not to trust him
- I don't want to be another heartbroken girl on Finch's list
- I need to focus on my studies
- James would be hurt
- My parents don't approve of him
- I'm scared

December goals

1. Ensure a perfect report card

2. Make Honor Roll for 2nd quarter

3. Research college choices for Oxford - St Hilda's, Balliol or Exeter?

4. Make a decision about Finch by tomorrow's game

5. Tell James the truth - he deserves to know either way

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