Unforgettable

39.

"Can't you see
You're everything I hope for
You're every, everything I need
You are so beautiful to me"

***

December 31st -

I have graduated to a black belt in hand to hand combat with Bigfoot after last night.

I honestly think I've given myself a slight case of carpal tunnel.

I've become that familiar with Harrys fingers I honestly think I could draw them with my eyes closed, just from muscle memory.

I mean that literally, memories from my vagina's muscles because I didn't see his fingers all night.

I don't know if this is normal with guys, or if this is just Harry, or just because it's us, but I have never been so fucking exhausted.

We didn't go to sleep until the sun was well and truly up, and I told Harry that I would literally punch him in the dick if he didn't let me get some sleep.

We didn't wake up until 1pm, and frankly, I was still fucking wrecked.

However, being woken up next to Harry, having him pull me against him stealing kisses through my arguments and shoving about morning breath was a pleasant sobering realisation that my life was completely different to when I woke up yesterday.

I'm waiting for it all to come crashing down, this high that I'm on. So much has happened in such a short amount of time, but I'm just so...happy.

I know that it will catch up with me, there's been too many massive life changes for it to go this smoothly, well, for me any way.

I don't want to just rush head fist into things with Harry, I'm happy to move past being friends but he matters so much to me, I want to do things right and make sure I'm completely figured out with myself - he deserves the best from me, I want to give that to him, he doesn't deserve doubts from me.

I don't think any of my doubts are in Harry, but I'm so muddled in the head with everything that has happened that I don't know for sure yet.

I know deep down his age still scares me, I know how quickly and recklessly I fell in love at 22, and my nagging insecurities worry he will eventually get bored, however that's not a reflection on him, it's just my opinion of me.

I know that upsets him, the way I see myself, and I'm willing to work on it and trust him but I can't just switch it off overnight, you can't undo 30 years in a week.

It's such a bizarre situation, and completely ass backwards.

We already live together, just with separate rooms - which is becoming pointless when he sneaks into my room every night.

We spend every single day together, as well as work together and I have no fucking idea why we don't want to murder each other yet.

I knew things like this would hit me in the light of the next day, but even though it's in the back of my mind, I just can't seem to focus on anything else other than the fact I can't stop staring at that green-eyed boy walking around our apartment looking like he has some kind of cartoon character bounce in his step.

I think the thing I didn't realise, was that I may have been terrified of losing Harry as a friend, but that's nothing compared to the agony that jolted through me at the thought of losing this feeling now that I know what its like.