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Review by Sunshine: Crazy Rich Dragons

Title: Crazy Rich Dragons

Author: HellaCrazyAuthors

Summary: 4/5

You have a pretty fluent and engaging summary! I love your use of rhetorical question at the end, and I like the way you showed the context through the age of the protagonist. I also didn't spot any grammar issues, so it's definitely very polished and overall, a good summary of the story to come.

Just a note: whenever you do ask rhetorical questions, you need to ensure that it is impactful. For example, let's look at the following question:

"What happens when all the signs point to the loyal Eunuch Ryong Do-Yeon?"

The issue with this sentence is that the reader doesn't even know who Eunuch Ryong Do-Yeon is. This character hasn't been mentioned in the summary until now, so it's almost a bit alienating. We don't see the relevance this character has to anything, nor do we understand how it will complicate/thicken the plot.

I suggest you introduce Eunuch Ryong Do-Yeon in the summary before this rhetorical question so that we see why it is such a problem that all the signs are pointing to them. Otherwise, we don't feel the impact of the rhetorical question at all. 

Grammar: 2/5

While your story wasn't too hard to read, I definitely recommend going back and polishing up a few things. There were some typos here and there, such as writing 'sun' instead of 'son', and there were some instances where you mixed up the plural/singular tenses.

Another thing was run-on sentences. There were some sentences that needed commas. I recommend going back and reading your story aloud – every time you need to pause for the sentence to make sense, add some form of punctuation there. That's a nice little way to spot run-on sentences.

You also had sentences missing full-stops, and you kept switching between past tense and present tense. For example, in the very first chapter, you had:

"She glared at her captor." [glared = past tense]

And then, one paragraph later, you wrote:

"A woman is thrown roughly to the ground." [is thrown = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it.

And, lastly, punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"You have not failed me, Little Thunder Dragon" the Empress says softly.

You must have punctuation before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"You have not failed me, Little Thunder Dragon," the Empress says softly. 

Character Building: 3/5

You wrote the story in third person, but there was an awkward moment or two where it suddenly switched to a sentence of first-person. For example, the following sentence I found:

"I'm coming for you Niang Niang."

There was no italics or 'he thought' to indicate that the character was thinking it. I recommend putting that sentence in italics to make it clear that a character was thinking it. If not, it looks like you've changed from third person to first person.

Another thing I found was that you introduced quite a lot of characters. You have to remember: your reader is new to your world and your characters. They don't know your characters nearly as well as you do. You need to slow down the pace when you introduce so many characters, otherwise it becomes overwhelming for the reader to keep track of.

That being said, there were some very sweet moments of character interactions. I loved seeing the adorable banter between the Prince's mother and father – that made my heart melt a little because the dialogue was just so sweet. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Overall, your writing is quite balanced between dialogue, action and description – so good work there! There were, however, some instances where I thought your writing could have been more fleshed out. Let's look at your very first word of your story:

"Crack!"

We quickly find out that the crack was from the whip, but I would like you to consider fleshing this moment out a bit. Don't just say 'crack' to describe the sound – show it to us in a more visual, descriptive manner. For example, rather than just 'crack', write 'a blunt crack ripped through the air...' – something different, something captivating. Otherwise, it almost feels lazy.

Also, when you change setting, don't just write 'Emperor's Palace' to indicate the change. That feels rather unprofessional. Rather, have a line break and, when you introduce your new character, make sure they show, through their narrative, that the setting is different.

And since we are on setting, I am glad you described it for us a bit. But when you describe it, you have to ensure that you're not breaking away from the story. Show these descriptions through the narrative. Rather than saying "the house has been built with white stone and has fir decorations", include it into the narrative by saying, "her gaze ran over the white stone and fir decorations...". That way, we can still see some character movement and reaction, and we don't feel as if the narrative has been disrupted. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

I do love the concept – the idea of taking the rather famous movie, Crazy Rich Asians, and adapting it into a fantasy-adventure is something I just adore. Props to you for coming up with something that branches away from the cliché!

It's hard to judge plot when we're only four chapters into the story, but I will say that your worldbuilding could use a bit of polishing. It is unclear at times – you mention dragon scales here and there, and then we're thrown back into the action without much context. Again, I think this is a matter of pacing and slowing things down to help the reader understand more.

Overall, you've got a beautiful setting that is so culturally rich, so I encourage you to build on that even more and really show us the setting through some elaborate description! Take us there – show us the sounds and smells of the settings. I think it would make your story even more original. 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, an interesting premise with a culturally rich setting! I encourage you to polish your grammar and tenses, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps.