'Life should go jump off a Parachute'

im happy but also not

news flash: i am sad

i'm writing this at 23:45 haha.
it's dark and so silent here in the house but i don't feel at home. okay that sounds daramtic.

i think i'm sick. it's probably because i keep leaving my window open and my room goes cold. i have bags under my eyes, my neck feels warm and everytime i stand up my head pulses and i feel slightly dizzy. it's probably a fever. i guess i did this to myself.

why do i feel so alone?
i was fine just hours ago but then i get hit with this wave of loneliness and blue.
why can't i be like my classmates? they are all spending their summer going to parties and having fun and living their best life and i'm in my own house feeling afraid that i will never be good enough like everyone.

even when i was away i felt like my own cousins didn't want to talk to me because they have different interests than me, but i know it's not true. but why does it feel like it is.

it's quiet and lonely and cold and dark and i want this to go away. i want to leave my own house but my parents think i'll get taken away. i stay in this place and only take care of my brothers and clean the house and it repeats until school arrives.

i feel like a bird whose wings got ripped off.
i want to go outside and socialise but i can't speak without stuttering and overthink. but even if i do manage to stumble upon people my age, they certainly won't like me because no one has the same interests as i do. nobody here likes learning languages and reading and the youtubers i watch.
everyone loves rap and sports and losing their virginity.

i don't know what to do or to think it's all just mangled.

i'm tired and sick. i want summer to be over.

please help jace.