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Review by Sunshine: When Night Comes

Title: When Night Comes

Author: xohrats

Summary: [NO SCORE – WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN FINAL SCORE]

I actually found this summary really hard to score, so I didn't score it. It has all the right elements – it briefly introduces the two protagonists in an ambiguous light, it introduces the world and the aim of one of the protagonists. Your summary isn't exactly a traditional summary, but it is more of those aesthetically ambiguous ones that I often see on Wattpad. Some people like them, some people don't – it's very much subjective.

I will say, though, that there is one part that I would encourage you to revise. It's this part:

"...a girl will seduce a prince and take the throne for herself."

My issue with it is that it tells the audience what she does, but it tells it in a way that there is no question on whether she will do it or not. Perhaps consider framing it in a way that makes the reader wonder whether she will succeed or not, so they feel the urge to read on and find out for themselves. 

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar and punctuation are pretty much spot on! It was so nice to read through this story, because there were minimal errors. You clearly know your grammar rules, and you have edited your work very thoroughly. Well done!

There was only one mistake I repeatedly found, and that has to do with dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"My prince," I bowed respectfully.

That above example in incorrect. You can't bow your words. It should be:

"My prince." I bowed respectfully.

Or:

"My prince," I said, bowing respectfully.

Character Building: 4/5

Writing in first person was a bit of a risk, considering that you don't stay in one perspective throughout the entire story. That being said, I think you handled your perspective changes and character voices masterfully. From Thea to Hashim to Freyja, all voices were incredibly distinct, and their thoughts, motives and characteristics were transparent within the writing itself. Great work!

I wonder whether you could keep these perspective switches more consistent in terms of announcing it? Since it is in first person, the characters always refer to themselves as 'I', so it's good that you announced the character name at the start of the line break/chapter where there was a switch. There were times where you didn't do this, however, and I think that maybe you should keep these consistent and introduce all your chapters/line breaks with the name of the character who is driving the scene.

Another thing! While your characterisation was strong and transparent, I do think some moments felt rather clunky. For example, let's look at the following sentence:

"I only wanted the glory of war and the love of a woman that I could not have."

That is a big statement to make, especially since it's not even dialogue. Yes, it does introduce the characters intentions – but it is very much telling, not showing. Perhaps you can find a more subtle way to weave this in? The 'love for a woman' part is fine, but the 'I only wanted the glory of war' almost felt a little ridiculous. Maybe describe to us what this glory is – help us visualise it and show us what the character finds so glorifying. 

Writing Style: 5/5

I really, really enjoyed your writing. It was somewhat poetic every now and then, the descriptions were nice and vivid, and characterisation leaked out of every word. Your beginning and endings of chapters were either powerful or captivating, and you took time out to elaborate on the setting and descriptions every now and then – and that was incredibly refreshing to read.

I will say to be careful of overusing adverbs and adjectives, but for the most part, you did a great job. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4.5/5

I adore these types of stories. I love high fantasy, I love new worlds, I love the intriguing-and-hard-to-pronounce-names – it's every fantasy lover's dream. It was so nice to see you capture all of these elements and weave it into a story that is very much unique, very much character-driven, and very diverse, too. Do you have a map for your story? You totally should make a map for your story.

However, while I love it, I can see other people struggle with it. It isn't exactly the most accessible fantasy – it hits readers quite hard with the new, foreign names and the intricate worldbuilding. If you do plan on gearing this to a broader audience, I suggest going back and keeping the name-dropping as purposeful as possible.

Otherwise, fantastic job!

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/20

Overall, a fantastic and very otherworldly story with vivid descriptions and great characterisation. I hope this review helped!