The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 21: Are You? No, I Am Not.

~Eleanor~

The next day, when I meet the girls in front of our Advanced Poetry class, they look extremely worried. Blair is on her phone and Vivienne's face hovers over whatever page they are on. The second Vivienne sees me, she nudges Blair with her elbow and she immediately locks her phone. I always hated feeling like I am on the outside of anything, and it seems to happen often these past few years. I felt outside of my family who never understood my sudden passion for hockey. Outside of my friendship with Olive when she used to tell me all about the amazing time she was having with our friends from high school in UVic. Outside of my friendship with Blair and Vivienne every time they talk about their past adventures in high school or when they were children. Even outside of my relationship every time we go out with his friends, every time I have to spend my evening listening to a bunch of guys talking about their strategies for future games. And, now, outside of something they seemed to have discussed immensely behind my back and don't seem to want to share with me. I know that Blair hates everyone who shows any signs of sickness which is weird since both of her parents are doctors, but I am not sick. I fainted because I ran too fast during our cross-country class, I am not dying or anything. Maybe the fact that I didn't have breakfast that morning didn't help. I just couldn't eat anything, even the Nutella jar made me want to throw up. When I think about it, I should have just stayed at home yesterday.

I often feel like I am on the outside, but I rarely feel like I am on the inside. The last time when I felt like I truly belonged somewhere was when Olive, Ben and I were in high school together. It lasted for only a year, but I think it was the best of my life. It only degenerated after that with Ben dropping out, our move here, my friends who I can't seem to be fully honest with, and now with Matthew and his stupid socks. Ever since I met Ben, I never thought about any other guy in the way I seem to think about Matthew. I never flirted with anyone else, so why him?

Blair smiles at me the second her phone is back in her purse. She hands out her hand for me to take which I do after a small hesitation. She opens her mouth to speak, but Vivienne beats her to it. "Do you have any food aversions?" No hello, how are you, or anything? Just food aversion questions? Weird. Vivienne is usually the empathic one. I expected her to run to give me a hug asking me how I was. I didn't see the food aversion question coming. I shake my head, putting the Nutella thing on yesterday's nausea.

"But your boobs hurt, right? You told me so yesterday while we were running?" Now it's Blair's turn to ask weird questions. I nod, answering. "Yeah, like every month before I get my period. There's nothing weird about that." It's true. Ever since I turned fourteen, a week or so before my period begins, my boobs hurt. It's how I know when I will be on my period since I never met someone more irregular than me when it comes to periods. I can do anything between 35 and 80 days between my periods. Even taking the pill didn't regulate me. I know, weird. Blair and Vivienne exchange a look, and I can't take it anymore. I need to know what's going on, so I ask them directly. They exchange another look before telling me to come closer to them. Vivienne puts her hand on my arm and inches her face closer to mine.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" What? My heart starts beating faster when I hear the "p" word. I can't be pregnant. I have been on the pill ever since Ben and I started dating. It was one of my mother's conditions to let me have a boyfriend at, according to her, such a young age. I roll my eyes at the memory. I clearly remember my brother dating girls when he was much younger than I was when I started seeing Ben, and my mother never obligated him to wear condoms. Why are the rules always different if you're a guy? Guys can act out too, you know. And it's because of guys that girls can get pregnant. Of course, I know the whole "it takes two to tango" thing, but if there wouldn't be any guys, then girls wouldn't get pregnant. I also remember asking my mother if the rule would have been different if I was a lesbian. I remember her saying: "Yes, because girls can't get girls pregnant." As always, the burden fell on me. I had to be the responsible one. On that day, I promised myself that I would invent a pill for guys, so that we wouldn't have to be the only one setting alarms on our phone to remember taking a pill every day at the same exact time. I guess I never will, considering the path I decided to follow.