Runner

Chapter 17

Unedited

Photo of nursery 😍
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Darkness it's everywhere, I reach out and try and touch something but I meet only air. Its cold and dark but I can hear him and another women. They are against the door or a wall making love. She keeps screaming his name and he keeps pounding. He wants to punish me. He wants to hurt me. He wants me to see how replaceable I am.

After they finish and she cleans herself off of him in loud slurps I hear the gun go off and her body thump against the door. I killed her, I am responsible for another death. I messed up again and this is his favorite punishment for me.

After a couple days he will let me out. The body will have sat there the entire time waiting for me to clean her up waiting for me to repent for my sins. Waiting for me to give it the proper burial in the woods where I will one day be.

"I am coming for you Lilly, you and that baby are mine." His voice chants.

Screams I wake up to them filling the room, bouncing off the walls, before assaulting my ears. They are my screams. My heart hammers in my chest and I have sweat through my shirt. Zaylee is kicking like crazy.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry baby." I coo to my tummy while slowly running my hand across it.

Great I am already upsetting my child with my messed up past and she is not even here yet! I am going to be a horrible mother maybe I really should call the adoption company back.

I have been so sleep deprived since the nightmares started and it's made me wonder if I can do this at all. It makes me question if I will ever be able to be a Mom. If I will ever be able to create a future. I am so selfish. It's not fair for me to be this selfish but Lord knows I want her. I want her so much and I am a horrible person. A loving parent would give their child up. If I could just sleep maybe I could think clearly.

I have been having nightmares since the attack, since he left.

It has been four weeks. Four weeks of heart break and me moping around. Four weeks of me doubting myself and my self worth. Four weeks of me considering adoption but quickly shooting it down because I am too selfish. I want this baby.

I want her so much so today I am done always being so weak, of always crumbling. Today is Sunday and the bakery is closed. So I am going to set the nursery up and wipe away all thoughts of giving her away.

I have had the things sitting in boxes since he left I have not been sure if there would be a reason to open them. A part of me also wanted Texas to come back, to prove me wrong. To help me set up the nursery. That part of me has to accept that it's been a month and he is not coming back to me. That part of me is stupid.

He had tried to call a handful of times in the beginning but I never answered. I did not want to hear the apology in his voice, or the coldness. I have heard it a hundred times but never from him. I never want to hear it from him. The "It's not you it's me" speech the "one day you will find someone who can really love you, and be in your life." I have heard it all. I have been broken up with (in a no romantic way) by so many people it's unreal.

He is just another person to add to the list of people Lilly liked too much so they had to leave.

Walking into the soon to be nursery my eyes fill with tears. I will be rocking my Zaylee to sleep in here. I will be changing her diapers, playing with her, reading to her, loving her in here. I will be making the memories that I never had in this room with her. I will be giving her everything that money can't buy.

Setting up the nursery is therapeutic by the time I was finished I finally feel ready to have this baby (although I know I am no where close!)

The girls are throwing me a baby shower with the other Old Ladies from the MC tonight and honestly I can't wait. I'm hoping after the shower I will actually be ready for my Zaylee to enter the world!

The girls are coming over soon to help me get ready. Kelsey even bought me a special dress for today! It's pink with a matching flower crown. Totally not my normal choice in clothing but I love it.

I know that Kelsey is irritated with me for not talking to her brother. But true to her word she has refused to allow it to get in the way of our friendship.

The only thing she has said is "Please answer your fucking phone Texas won't stop blowing mine up! It's driving me MAD! He really wants to talk to you."

I had told her that I needed space which is true I am not handling his breakup well. Hell I have hardly left the building since he left!

All I do is go down to the bakery and work all day, and then come back home to sleep. The only time I have left is for my weekly doctor's appointments.

But today that ends, today I am going to celebrate this little life that I am growing. Because life isn't about me and my feelings anymore it's about Zaylee. And becoming friends with these women is only benefiting my baby. Because she will grow up surrounded by strong independent women, women that I will never be like. She needs these role models because Lord knows I am no one to look up to.

Ugh the last line makes me want to cry 😭 Comment and vote to let me know what you think! ❤️