matty healy, falling in love over night

asking for relief

4 days after that, the 21st lia passed. her eighteenth.
after that i spent a lot of time drunk and isolated. she was alone in the car, she was driving to george's house. she was alone and scared. a drunk driver hit her head on. she held on for four days, she was getting better. then suddenly she got an infection and died quickly. i held her hand while it happened. i told her it was okay and to let go. we spent her last days together, laughing and joking about how she broke her leg. she had always wanted a cast. george slept by her bed day and night. her parents even visited. kian saw her a lot and the boys always brought her food and movies. she showed no signs. nothing. george was heartbroken, completely devastated, matty spent a lot of time with him, pulling him back. i saw him in the first few days but after that i faded. i started to lock myself away and only come out at night. the vodka reappeared and the depressants stopped working completely. my parents worried about me and sent me back to therapy, where i would sit for an hour every week.

the boys still went to america, george was hurting but being away from england and everything helped him. i didn't go. i couldn't face it. they sent me gifts and letters, birthday presents with cards attached, but nothing could heal me. i lost my bestfriend. i lost the person i loved the most.

me and matty stayed together for a while but in the end, when he came back from america, i told him i couldn't do it. that i needed to be completely alone. he tried to fight me on it. saying i shouldnt be alone. he still came over for a while, but then the album took off and he went on tour again, this time for a year. i haven't seen any of them in a year.

tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of her death. everyone's getting together. me, matty, george, adam and ross. to celebrate her life. it's what she would have wanted. i'm terrified, of course i am. they're all strangers now. and my bestfriend will always be gone. despite my ache and pain, i can't get her back.

for the last year i've spent most of it in my room, crying to kian. i dropped out of college, didn't go back in september. i threw my phone into the back of my wardrobe for months. i saw lia's parents every day for a year, is still see them, every week for a meal. kian took me to portugal for a holiday to try and cheer me up. didn't work. matty messages me every day. ross always sends me recipes, and adam sends me beautiful riffs. me and george don't talk at all, maybe that hurts the most? he was my second bestfriend and i truly loved him.

i know matty got back with gabby for a short while, he's single again now though as it didn't work out. i know adams in a relationship with a lovely girl named carly and ross and george remain single. i know they all continued to live despite the fact lia stopped. they all make sure i'm okay, but it isn't the same. and how can it be.

i cant believe it's been a year since she left. the funeral was the saddest thing i'd ever attended. she was so full of life, but now she say still and lifeless in a coffin at the front. i spoke, she always said she would want me to if anything happened. i wrote her a speech she would have loved.

"lia, you always said you wanted to die old, and you should have. i've known you all my life, we've grown up together. i want to thank you for kicking sand at me that day in nursery, because without that i would have lived a very empty life. i want to thankyou for always pushing me, to write, to party and to live. you always did believe in the after life, and god do i hope you're enjoying it up there. i hope you're raising a glass of wine and smiling at us. and i know you would love this speech because you loved to hear things about yourself. so hear me now, lia you are beautiful, and your soul is the softest i've ever met. the way you loved and how you chose to love wasn't perfect but you taught me and so many other so much. i hope i do you justice in life and live in a way you would want. we grew up together, but now i have to grow old alone"

me and matty were still together at this point, i spent the whole "after party" in his arms, unable to cry unable to speak. just being held by him was enough to calm everything within me. he took me home and stayed at my house until he left for america. every night he would help me wash, change my clothes, pick me up and put me to bed. my parents don't have any hate towards him anymore. how could they? he kept asking me if he should cancel the trip, of course i said no. and he came back time after time to make sure i was okay. the last night we had together before i broke up with him was beautiful. the way we should have ended. we spent the whole night talking about pain and what it meant to love someone through it. he told me he would always be here and that nothing else mattered but me. that's why i broke up with him. to save him form me. to save him from saving me. just because i couldn't live didn't mean he had to stop.

and i was right to do so. but god it hurt, and i want to take it back sometimes. i couldn't have loved without him. and seeing him again is going to take everything up.  but i will do it. because lia would have wanted me to love and to live after her. lia would want me to be happy