matty healy, falling in love over night

21 st april, an ode

6:30 am

i woke up at half six, an hours sleep. great. i really re considered going but i knew lia would want me to.
i walked over to my wardrobe catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror i looked how much weight i had lost. my hair needed re-dying and my skin looked awful. i didn't care. i picked out a denim skirt, tights, old school vans and a long sleeve off the shoulder top.
i paired it with mattys leather jacket because it made me feel safe, i did my makeup, false lashes, brows and some concealer. and i was ready. i texted kian to let him know. matty and george lived together, just in town. that's where we were having the memorial, nothing too special

new message to: kian

grace: i'm ready
kian: you sure kid?
grace: yh i think i got it

the ride was short and consisted of me staring out of the window, shutting my eyes. i KNEW my boys were the same because we spoke daily, but i haven't seen them in a year. they could look like anything. last time i saw them, they were nineteen years old, skinny and pale. now they were twenty, had been touring for a year straight and had released an album. it terrified me. but deep down i knew they couldn't have changed too much.

"we are here"
"thanks ki"
"love you"
"love you"

i walked up to the apartment and pressed he buzzer
"hi it's grace"
"buzzing you in" the doorman said. posh.

i walked up to 102, their apartment number and knocked quietly. matty came to the door. taller, his hair more out of control, still deep black, skinny jeans, doc martins and a black shirt. not much changed.
"hey" he breathed
"hey matty"
"you look ... good"
"as do you" i said
"please come in" i ducked under his arm, in the room sat my boys. ross, adam, george. i missed their faces. suddenly i was bombarded with hugs from ross and cuddles from adam. george rose up to hug me swiftly
"hey kid" he croaked
"heya georgie" i said sadly
i took my place in the edge of the sofa
"nice place" matty and george both nodded. it was awkward alright. i turned to adam to ask about carly
"she's perfect grace, you'll love her"
"i bet i will" i laughed. ross was telling me how his mum flew out to five shows in a row because she missed him
"how could anyone not miss you rossy?"
george got up and muttered at us to excuse him. i felt that.
"so why haven't we seen you in a year?" matty asked
"you toured you idiot"
"you know what i mean"
"i love you all, but i couldn't, not in the state i was in. it's a bit better now but it hurts and i needed to be alone" matty nodded, as did ross and adam
"i understand grace, but let us in" he said.
george came back, red eyed and messy haired.
"can i say something?" george said
"of course" i replied
"i really, really fucking miss her" the room stopped, everything went quiet,
"i do too georgie"
"and i miss you, i miss what we use to be as a whole, lia would like that we still ... still did this" he motioned with his hands. i nodded, she would want us to still be friends.
"it doesn't seem to get any easier does it?" i asked george. he shook his head.
"me, ross and adam are gonna go get some booze, we celebrate for lia tonight. you two talk" matty said leaving with the boys. george moves next to me,

"i keep replaying that night, if i'd drove to her house, if i never asked her to come over" he said putting his head in his hands, i held him while he cried.
"sh georgie, it was not your fault"
"i thought she was gonna be okay"
"i did too george"
"fuck the world, i miss her so bad"
"i do too"
he looked at me, his eyelashes clung together with tears
"i'm glad you're here, i'm glad you're back"
"i am too george"

two hours later we were all drunk, i texted kian to let him know id be staying over. it was nice to be back.
"ey ey ey" ross chanted at george's dancing
"fuck me STOP" matty yelled
"wooo dance it baby" i egged him on
"george george george" adam screamed
"let's say a few words" george stated, he picked up a bottle of wine, lia's favourite, and took a swig
"lia, i l-l-love you and i-i-i hope you're having a party up there for me baby" tears gathered but he continued
"you deserved more but i promise none of us, will ever forget you" i smiled at him,
"matty your go" he said hanging him the wine
"lia, thankyou because you gave me grace. you helped me figure out how to help her and i love you for that. if it weren't for you none of this would be happening. live long" he passed the wine to adam
"you liked that i was quiet and i liked that le, thankyou for buying me that yellow pic for my guitar i fucking love it" he then passed the wine to ross,
"lia even though you hated my veganess i loved you and i always will. you were like a sister to me and you better be fucking it up, up there" finally it was my go
"lia, you are my best friend, my sister and you always will be. i already gave a speech at your funeral but it was the pg version, i know you would have wanted me to say you were a bad bitch who could handle her alcohol" the boys laughed at this, cheering on
"and i know you would want me to say how your ass looked good in everything. but i didn't, i kept all that for myself. but that's not fair because people deserve to know who you really were. because you were my sister, my bestfriend, a fucking amazing girlfriend, the best of friends to the rest of the boys. you were a partier, a feminist an activist and you were a good fucking person. so fucking remember me, remember how we lived. and i promise you, your memory will NEVER die" as i finished i chugged the last of the wine before looking at the boys, they clapped. everyone was crying before long.

happy birthday lia

we all changed before we passed out. matty carried me to his bed, this i know because he kissed my forehead, george slept on the sofa with adam and ross. matty curled up in the chair in his room. i was back where i belonged