matty healy, falling in love over night

is this the end

14th of may - 16 days until tour

i'm not saying it all got better after that. the next two days were perfect. we cuddled, we laughed, george and matty were back to normal. on the third day (today) the shivers came. i was holding his curls back while he threw up into the toilet. i was mopping him up and changing his t-shirts constantly. george was running out to get more paracetamol because we'd run out
"sorry" he muttered
"it's okay matty you're getting sober"
"it hurts"
"it will" i said. he looked at with glossy eyes and spit gathering around his mouth. even like this i loved him.
"you're so strong" i whispered, playing with the curls that gathered around his face
"that's you grace" i half smiled, i was strong. but i had to be here for my boyfriend.
"i'm back" george said slamming the door open,
"here mate" he said handing matty a smart water and paracetamol.
"thanks" he said taking them both. i looked at george and saw his eyes were red
"george?" i asked
"it's fine" he said turning on his heel to walk out.
"go" matty said
"you sure?"
"yeah he needs someone"
"so do you matty"
"i have you. but he's my bestfriend, he has to be okay" i smiled, the old matty was retuning. i kissed him on the head
"i love you"
"i love you" he said. i got up and walked out of the door to see george sat on the sofa
"hey kid" he said sniffling
"you okay?"
"he's getting better isn't he? i mean he's clean"
"yeah, he's gonna puke for hours and have the shakes but he's clean"
"okay good" george sighed
"what's wrong?" i asked
"i saw lia's mum"
"oh"
"yeah" he said. lia's mum never liked george, in-fact she blamed him for her death. even though i saw her weekly until a while ago i never forgave her for that.
"oh georgie" i said
"i'm just done crying now but it was the way she looked at me grace, she hates me"
"she's one person georgie, everyone else loves you. lia loved you and that's all that matters" he smiled
"you're right"
"you should get some sleep george"
"so should you"
"i'm gonna stay with matty"
"you sure?"
"yes" he looked at me, wanting to argue better he let it go
"okay kid love you"
"love you" i replied before he went off to his room. i went into the kitchen and poured myself a vodka and coke, i knew i couldn't do tonight sober. half a bottle of vodka and a bottle of coke later i went back to matty
"hey" he said
"you okay?" i asked
"yeah are you?"
"i'm fine matty. worried about you" he wouldn't meet my eye
"i didn't mean to make you feel bad"
"no i'm glad you did. you could have walked away from me, why didn't you?"
"i love you matty"
"but the writing?"
"you explained it and i believe you"
"i do love you"
"i love you matty" an hour later we walked back to our room, bringing a bucket incase he needed to be sick again.

2am

i felt like i couldnt breathe. i was in bed with matty and it was so stuffy. the air was thick and everything around be was floating. i swung my legs out of bed and headed back to the balcony. the only place i could go in times like this. i leaned against the black iron bars and looked down. cars everywhere. i wasn't scared of heights but this was giving me heart palpitations. taking deep breathes i looked out into the sky, it was deep purple. beautiful. that's when i started to cry. because it wasn't okay, any of it. it's not that i regretted the sex, i didn't. at all. it's not i thought it would fix us. i don't think anything could fix us.
i pulled out my phone and called lia's number like i always did in my lowest points and started to leave a voice mail

* voicemail to lia *
hey lia, i'm- i'm lost? i'm on george and mattys balcony ... again. and i'm starting to doubt everything. mattys coming down off cocaine and it's bad. these past few days have been rough. the world feels against me and i don't have my bestfriend to tackle it anymore.
me and george are close again, that's nice. it's another way to cling to you and i know he feels the same way.
me and matty had sex and it was perfect but i still don't think he loves me the same way. his eyes don't light up anymore and he doesn't do stupid little things for me. i wish you were here to tell me what to do"

i said with a final sob. i then went to check my texts from kian

*5 new texts from kian*

kian: you okay?
kian: how are you?
kian: hope it's all okay
kian: love you

i hated myself for shutting him out. i threw my phone back into the apartment where it landed with a bang. that was definitely broken. i slid down the wall of the balcony, covering my mouth with my hand so i didn't make any noise. i was screaming, the tears came hot and faster than ever. i was alone. and now i knew.
"grace?"
"GRACE?" mattys voice yelled as he cane stumbling onto the balcony
"oh grace"
"i- can't- breathe-" i said between big breathes
"you need to take deep breathes grace"
"i-i-i- can't"
"you can, in and out in and out" he said, rocking me in his arms. my legs wanted to kick and fight but i couldn't. i wrapped my arms around his waist
"don't leave"
"i'm not"
"don't ever leave"
"grace i won't i promise"
i realised we weren't broken, but both of us were hurting. hurting very badly but in our own ways. we stayed on the balcony into sunrise, watching clouds and being more open with one another
"why did you do it?" i finally plucked up the courage to ask
"george told you that my mum use to be an addict? well i always worry i can't face her, like i'll disappoint her. i could t do it sober i just couldn't. and then it spiralled, i went back to being 16 and addicted to it"
"why didn't you tell me?"
"you're hurting too, i couldn't burden you"
"matty-"
"don't say i'm not because i am"
"but i'm burdening you too"
"i think we need to be more honest grace. tell me when you're falling"
"tell me when YOURE falling" i said back
"deal"
"deal" we said as our lips locked slowly, he brushed the hair out of my eyes and it felt like the first time. i felt 17 again