The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 38: Childhood Ramblings

~Eleanor~

To be honest, I don't know if his revelation angers or rejoices me. The action in itself was very selfless, even if there were probably many advantages for him in Windsor also, and the fact that he thought about me when making this decision makes me happy, but the fact that he threw it at me out of anger upsets me very deeply. I don't care that he hid it from me, even though maybe I should. I care that it feels like he hid it from me to use it as a very powerful weapon when he felt like he needed it. Did I do the same when I brought up London and the writing contest? Are we really at the point where we keep secrets to use them against the other when we are in a fight? If we are, then I don't like what our relationship has become. All those questions make my head spin. All of our recent fights make me reconsider our relationship. Almost automatically, my hands place themselves on my lower stomach.

I think about what I wanted to announce him today when I saw him walk through the door. Will this announcement scare him away or will it secure our faith? This fight didn't make me reconsider my decision. No matter what he says, my mind is made up. The only question is will he be in with me or will he let me do it on my own? I am afraid of doing it without him because he is, and he will always be the most important person in my life.

I think about what happened in the last few weeks. I wonder what was inevitable and what we forced on ourselves. Was Matthew inevitable? Him being my teacher probably not, but our "date" definitely was. Was Ben's injury? Of course, if I wouldn't have been so selfish. Was the pregnancy inevitable? I like to think it was, but I know I had a big part in it. I am the one who didn't take the pill as regularly as I should have, no one but me can take that blame. But, as my mother says, it takes two to tango, and making babies is definitely like tango, everyone knows that. I didn't do my part with the contraception and neither did he. He's the one who takes off the condoms, he should have noticed the break in it. I don't like to put blame, but this is what it is. We both played a role in me becoming pregnant, I should not be the only one assuming it. Was our latest fight inevitable? I think this fight was a long time coming. I was mad about those things for a long time and so was he.

What scares me isn't what has been said, it's what still needs to be said. I know I have to tell him about Matthew, it wouldn't be fair to hide this from him. I also have to tell him about going to see Will and my decision about this baby. Am I being a coward for wanting to push this moment as far away as I can? I keep taking deep breaths to calm down my nerves. I get dressed in a pair of leggings and a white long-sleeve shirt. I am done fighting with him in my pink pajamas. When I finally feel ready to continue our fight, that I am hoping will be more of a conversation, I open the bedroom door. As soon as I step in the hallway, I hear the water running. He went into the shower. Great. In the kitchen, the mess I made this morning is all cleaned up. He put the dishes in the dishwasher, the coffee maker is clean, and even the toaster is in its usual cabinet. I think that, in our three years of living together, he has never cleaned up after me. It was always the other way around.

I have to go through the process of calming myself down again, this time while sitting at the kitchen table. I think our "conversation" will have to wait a little longer. We both need more time to gather our thoughts to, hopefully, be able to talk like adults. Plus, I feel okay enough to attend this afternoon's lecture. Missing too much school this late in the semester isn't good for my grades anyway. I leave him a note on the kitchen table, telling him where I am going. I won't do the same mistake twice.

I stop at Tim Horton's before making my way to school. I order an Apple Fritter and a hot chocolate, hoping the baked good will comfort me like it used to when I was a child. As soon as the taste of apples and cinnamon fills up my mouth, I am instantly brought bake to much simpler times when the only thing I had to worry about was which stuffed animal I would spend the night with. I think about Mr. Snuggle, the teddy bear I would carry around everywhere until I was eight. I think about Jade, my baby doll, that is probably still in a box in my parents' basement. I loved that doll. Every year for Christmas and my birthday I would ask for accessories. I ended up with being fully equipped with the crib, stroller, car seat, changing table, and more clothes than even a real baby would need. I had named her Jade after one of my friends' little sister. I was so jealous of her. Why was I stuck with an older brother? I wanted a baby sister too. The thought makes my chuckle. I am about to have my very own baby. How ironic?

The poem I have to write in my afternoon lecture is tainted with those childhood memories. Both Mr. Snuggle and Jade are mentioned along with my deep desire to have a sister.

***   

I get home at seven pm after stopping by the store to run a few errands. I am surprised to find all the lights turned off except the one we always leave on in case one of us has to get up in the middle of the night. The bedroom door is closed, and I can't hear anything meaning that Ben is probably already asleep. It's something that happens often after he is back from a long trip. The hotels are not the most comfortable and the fact that they have to share rooms doesn't help improve the sleep quality. I should have thought that it would happen even if he didn't play at all this week.

I settle down on the couch, my favorite spot this last few days, and turn on Netflix again. Riverdale or Gossip Girl? Or maybe a movie, yes, a movie would be nice. Which one though? I always end up giving up when I search for a movie to watch on Netflix. Nothing ever satisfies me, so I end up watching series again. Tonight is no exception. After twenty minutes of scrolling through every category of movies available, I click on Gossip Girl, hoping that Serena and Blair's drama will distract me from my own.

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What do you think will happen? 😱 please vote and comment;)