The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 39: Finally Settled?

~Eleanor~

At half past eleven, I wonder if I should go to bed. Did he tuck in early because he didn't want to spend the night with me, or was it simply because he was tired? Do I think too much? Anyway, I am not even that tired, so I let the countdown get to zero to start a new episode of my favorite TV show.

I watch two more episodes before wondering about going to bed again. It's one am. I know I should be tired, but I am not. I am not even paying attention to what is happening between Serena and Blair anymore, I am just replaying Ben and I's earlier conversation. I took off my leggings in the middle of the last episode, so I am just in my white shirt and panties, but the heavy blanket keeps me warm. I know the lack of sleep is probably not good for the baby, but what can I do? Even if I was in bed, I don't think I would be able to sleep.

As I am deep in thought about how to break the news to Ben about what I decided for the pregnancy, I hear a door open. It has to be our bedroom door, otherwise it means that someone is breaking in. Seconds later, my eyes meet Ben's half open ones. He was obviously sleeping. His outfit gives him away. Boxers and only boxers, gosh is that man hot. Even in the dark I can see the defined lines of his abs and the curves of his strong biceps.

"Hey, what are you doing on the couch?" he says sleepily, pulling me out of my gazing. I raise my shoulders. If I rely on his tone, he is not mad anymore.

"Couldn't sleep." I try to smile but I am sure it looks as fake as my aunt's chirurgical DD-size boobs.  

"I thought you hadn't come back yet. I was worried." He sits down beside me and steals a part of my blanket.

"What are we doing, Ben?" He shrugs, looking at the paused TV screen.

"We're watching whatever this is at the moment," he answers after a beat of silence, his tone playful. Is he really not mad anymore? Did a few hours alone in our apartment settle our fight?

I press play, and Blair's voice instantly fills the silence. I don't know about the rest of the population, but I never bought Blair and Dan's relationship. It always looked fake to me, just like how calm Ben is acting right now. It freaks me out. It's just so not like him to forgive and forget that easily. Did his head injury transform him completely? I know it wouldn't be funny if it had actually happened, and I don't know if it's the tiredness suddenly hitting me, but I find the possibility very amusing. The smile on my face is gone immediately when our bare thighs brush and he pulls away. Maybe it's not that settled afterwards. I pull away even more, one my legs getting out of under the warm blanket to hit the cold air. I am now at one end of the couch while he is at the opposite end. I try to focus back on Blair and Serena's one hundredth fight this season, but I just can't. I don't feel trapped like in the hospital, but I still have difficulties breathing. I just can't take this fake peace anymore, I have to say something before we both settle into this unreal state of "everything's okay."

"I went on a date with someone." It's the first thing that popped into my mind. I don't look at him, but I feel his head turning towards me. From the corner of my eye, I see him nod his head multiple times. He asks when and with who. His voice is still too calm for my liking. I explain it the best I can without letting my emotions get in the way again. When I am done, he stays quiet, his eyes focused on the TV.

"Why are you so quiet? It's not like you," I say finally turning around to face him. He turns around as well, opening and closing his mouth many times before actually saying something.

"I spent the night at Brittany's." I open my mouth to speak but he beats me to it. "She's the one who picked me up from the hospital. She drove me here, and when we saw that you weren't here, she proposed to have me over to keep an eye on me." I honestly don't know how to react to that. He spent the night at her place, what else happened once the lights were turned off? He is saying it so calmly, it confuses me even more.

"What happened?" I pause the TV, silence filling the room once more. As the seconds pass, my heart beats faster. The more he waits, the worse it will be once he opens his mouth again.

"Nothing, I slept on the couch. We made pancakes in the morning before she drove me to the arena just in time for me to catch the bus." He avoids eye contact as he mentions the pancakes.

It is weird that this is what hurts me the most? Ever since we moved in here, we have the tradition to bake pancakes together every Sunday morning he isn't on the road. Memories of those mornings flash through my mind, the intimacy, the fun we had. Him throwing flour everywhere, insisting on putting blueberries in the dough, it all comes back in flashes like streaming pictures on a digital photo frame. He didn't cheat physically but he cheated emotionally, and so did I when I brought Matthew to Tim Horton's. We both did something wrong. For the first time since his accident, I am truly sorry about everything that happened between us in the last few weeks. I am sorry about Matthew, I am sorry about not attending his game, I am sorry about my negative attitude regarding hockey, I am sorry about leaving him alone in the hospital, I am sorry to have put all our problems on him even if it was just in my mind, but I am mostly sorry for lying to the girls about him. I have nothing to be ashamed of and neither does he. If Blair and Vivienne can't see that, then they are the ones with a problem. 

"I'm sorry," I say while looking directly into his eyes.

"Me too. I am sorry." He extends his hand for me to grab it. I scout closer to him to be able to hold his hand better. We stay like this for a while before he reaches for the remote and presses play again.

We end up falling asleep on the couch, his hand still in mine our fingers interlocked.